To want to call family members by their real relationship?

[Scaredycat3000]

My BIL had his first child a few months ago, their step-couison just had her first child last week. They keep calling the two babies couisons. Thay arn't in my book. Will I then have to call their step-couison Auntie? When we have our first child in a few weeks I don't want to go along with this silliness. I have always got annoyed with this sort of thing, but don't want to cause trouble, so, am I being unreasonable?

I have over 42 first cousins and a couple of family friends that we called aunty/uncle - I wasn't confused. We now refer to all cousins' DC as 'cousin' - ds is not confused.
As for the 'step' part I think you are being a bit mean. I have a 'step' Mil but would never refer to her as such because it would make her feel like she isn't a real part of the family.
Maybe this is what your Bil is doing, trying to help the kids to feel the importance of family YABVU

the child of a cousin is a second cousin

i have a few of them, though rarely seen

My kids don't call my cousins' children cousins, they just call their real cousins cousins. The others are just known by their names as I couldn't remember if they were second cousins or cousins once removed.
If they did call them cousins if referring to them it wouldn't bother me as they know the definition of a real cousin, just as I sometimes call my great uncle, uncle although I know he isn't. I also know his daughter isn't my cousin, she was my mum's cousin, but I just call her by her name as I was never sure exactly what relationship she was to me.
I'd just make sure they know who their "real cousins" are and not worry if they call all the others cousins for simplicities sake.
I think clarifying who is who can be helpful to young children though as my husband's ex insisted my husbands kids called her new husband's sons "brothers" and didn't like the word stepbrothers. When their mum then fell out with the brotheres when they became teenagers and wouldn't speak to them again they found it odd that these "brothers" just vanished from their lives.

I think the word "step" can reasonably be used to qualify and clarify a relationship where the individuals are "first degree" relatives i.e. (step)mother/father, (step)sister/brother, (step)son/daughter.

If the relationship is more distant than that, using the word "step", to me, just sounds picky and unnecessary.

Just as we never routinely use the "2nd" or "3rd" or "removed" tags to the word "cousin" in normal conversation (unless the conversation is about genealogy), if you described someone as a "step-cousin", I'd be inclined to wonder what you were trying to say between the lines.

Agree the term cousin is usually used to cover both first cousins and more distant cousins too. The 'closeness' of any such bond is determined more by how often you keep in contact than by degree of relationship. You may well be closer to a second cousin than a first due to circumstances, but they are all cousins.

YABU and very mean-spirited!

My and brother and i share the same mother but have different fathers. He is 12 years older than me, we have never lived in the same house but he is still my brother. I have and never and never will call him my half brother because it doesn't matter.

YABU and petty.

Well I have feck all family (parents both only children- grandparents all dead etc) and I welcome my kids calling non- relatives by the name Auntie or Uncle or cousin. I grew up with no-one and think that you should be glad you have all these people in your life and not be so mean spirited.

YABU

It is so irrelevant! My mum has half brothers but I don't think or call them step-uncles....
Ds has uncles and aunts who are not blood relatives, just very close friends.

YABU and obviously have too much time on your hands to worry about nothing, why does it matter. surely the more playmates and cousins your child has the better!

shootfrom the hip.... i agree totally! i have no family to rely on either, the little family i have are crap! its really hard work bringing up children without any support, no time to yourself, i read your profile.
i would be grateful for anyone wanting to help and become an extended family.

My mother and father were both only children.

My mother's mother later remarried meaning my mum got two stepsisters.

I feel really blessed that one of her stepsisters is my auntie. We never refer to her as a step auntie. She is "real" in every way that it matters.

In fact, we have been known to comment about ffamily likeness etc, almost forgetting that we are not officially related in anyway.

She is closer to me than many of my "real" relatives.

oh for HEAVENS sake!!!! What the hell does it matter?????? YABVU and im not really even sure why you posted.

My cousins are my cousins! My uncles and aunts childrens are quite a bit older than me - they have children my age. When i was younger i called my cousins Auntie and uncle - then when i got older i called them by there real names!!! The children of my cousins, i call by their real names - however i describe them as my cousins. I have quite a lot of cousins - in fact, too many to count, all over the world - some i daresay ive not even heard of, about 20 times removed. I'm not confused (well not about that anyway)

OMG????? There is a step relation? And HALF SISTER HOOD going on?? And that child/mother hasn't been sent to a convent for devil children?? My DDs are half sisters, my DD1 knows my DP is not her dad, i met him when she was 2, moved in together when she was 7. My DD2 is now three, the eldest is 18 and actually doesn't live at home anymore. But they are SISTERS!!!! They are not half sisters- how fucking ridiculous. I mean, would that make her a step-half sister? What do i tell her about her "cousins". I mean, they are only related to her via her dads brother - the mother is nothing to do with the family!! You know, just an incubator really - fecking pathetic.

OP - maybe you should call Jeremy Kyle, he is clearly more able to sort out all these "family issues" better than us "normal" people.

Oh - i suppose i will have to sit DD2 down one day and say, oh sorry DD but DD1 isn't your whole sister - wanker

YAB silly

But your baby is due in a few weeks, so you will be a great deal more adult this time in July.

even more and about calling them THERE real names!! Using mnet has seriously damaged my command of the english language, you know, my first and only language

Oh FGS how pathetic. It's far easier to call them cousins than to tart about with "second cousin once removed". You can call them cousins and still know what the real relationship is.

I have about 14 cousins. The fact that they are all actually second cousins matters not one bit. I know what the real relationship is but don't feel the need to brand them with a mouthful of a name just to be word perfect.

YABU

I have about 3dozen first cousins (genuinely first cousins); I have 6 sets of Uncles and Aunts. That's just on my mum's side.

I also have a number of 'pretend' aunts, who aren't really, but are close friends of one or other parent, or even of an aunt/uncle.

I have rather a lot of second cousins, first cousins once removed, second cousins once (and sometimes twice) removed.

For dd all these people have different relationships to her. We can't be bothered to work them out. They are all aunts, uncles or cousins. No great-aunts, no second cousins etc. She knows the difference between MY uncles and her uncles etc, but who cares? What matters is how they treat her and how she feels about them.

I called all my parents' close friends auntie and uncle when I was little, as well as the real ones, until about 14 I think, because it was considered cheeky for children to address adults by their first names. It made me feel close to people who were very present in my childhood.

I don't remember any trauma when I found out. I just felt quite grown up using their first name.

I've read the whole thread and still have no idea what the OP's problem is with these kids being called cousins. OK it's wrong a sister did not know she was a half-sister till late, but I don't really see why past issues should be pounded out in the present. Surely you could just explain there are different sorts of cousins?

YABU

First DH has a half sister (he did not know growing up that she was not his dads child only found out when I put my foot in it_) anyhoo... our kids call her auntie and her children cousin.

Our children call DH1s cousins Auntie and uncle as I feel it very rude for a child to address an adult by their first name, (unless told to do so by the adult) they call their 2nd cousins cousin.

I have a new DP and my children call his family by their names not auntie, or so on, I think it is up to each person.

I know DPs friend trys to get his kids to call me auntie and I hate it, Mrs kimi will do thank you

about the cousing thing:

The awkwardness lies in the English language which uses the word "cousin" to refer both to first and second cousins. Much easier if you speak a language that differentiates between first and second and third cousins, and between paternal aunts and maternal aunts and paternal grandparents and maternal grandparents too for that matter. But as English doesn't, surely correct usage is to call a second cousin "cousin"? Since that is the correct term, it can hardly be thought of as fibbing.

About the step thing: sounds just a bit much to introduce at this stage.

I wouldn't have an issue with it myself - my dd calls my cousins, cousin although they're second cousins (or some such). My aunt's (married to my blood uncle) brother's daughter was known as our cousin when we were all children although she is no blood relative. Now I'd call her by her name.

If everyone is happy about it there's no reason/problem calling each other cousin, auntie or whatever, when DCs are old enough to ask q's re: who is whose brother/sister etc they will work it out for themselves anyway. It's nice for DCs to feel part of an extended family!

However, it sounds like there's something in your background that has made you sensitive to correct family titles:

By Scaredycat3000 on Wed 25-Mar-09 22:37:43:

'The step thing has led to alot of covering up and lies within the family and don't want to continue with fibs'.

Sometimes there ARE problems with step families when a member of the family has behaved badly and as a result loses touch with the rest. In some families this member will be "tipp-ex'd" out and nobody mentions them.

Children are shush'd if they ask too many questions and made to feel bad by asking about their original blood relation whilst being forced to refer to the replacement family member and their DCs as Auntie, Uncle or Cousin etc when they have a Blood Auntie, Uncle or Cousins they aren't encouraged to have a relationship with.

This will be hard for any right minded person who has open and honest ties in their family to understand, but it does happen (I have personal experience of it) and it does leave you with a bit of a about how adults can fool themselves and try to fool you as children, and you kind of make up your mind that YOUR DC's won't be forced into such trickery and fibbery.