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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call family members by their real relationship?

73 replies

Scaredycat3000 · 25/03/2009 22:20

My BIL had his first child a few months ago, their step-couison just had her first child last week. They keep calling the two babies couisons. Thay arn't in my book. Will I then have to call their step-couison Auntie? When we have our first child in a few weeks I don't want to go along with this silliness. I have always got annoyed with this sort of thing, but don't want to cause trouble, so, am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Flibbertyjibbet · 25/03/2009 22:47

I'm just trying to work out whether the children of cousins are 2nd cousins, or 1st cousins once removed....

bil has a dsd. mil and fil very much look on her as their eldest grandchild and she is treated very much as a cousin along with her little brother. Come to think of it the occasion has never arisen when we have needed to actually call her our childrens cousin. We just call her by her name and refer to her as bils dsd.

Now I'm on the spot about it I suppose we do refer to her as our niece, which makes her our childrens cousin.

So yabu - or at least until you reveal by stealth the fibs thing then I can give a definite yabu or yanbu. (Think it will still be yabu)

purpleduck · 25/03/2009 22:48

Why would it confuse them?
Some people have NO family here and you are drawing lines in the sand over "step".

Honestly.
I believe people should be WELCOMED into a family, and insisting on the "Step" is just divisive.
My DH and his sister have different fathers. Dh'd mum is now divorced from FIL. SIL has known her (and dh's) grandparents since she was tiny. She has always treated them with love and respect - ALWAYS remembered birthdays etc, even when others didn't.
Then one day the Grandfather started calling her "The daughter of the woman that our son married"

It was so hurtful that THAT was how they thought of her - not as family, but assome sort of visitor.

harleyd · 25/03/2009 22:48

chegirl, thats just pickled my head

op, you are being silly

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 25/03/2009 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

purpleduck · 25/03/2009 22:49

BTW, whatever the adults did, and whatever "fibs" they told -its not the children's fault. They should not be made to feel like an outsider just because their parents made mistakes. Or whatever.

KatyMac · 25/03/2009 22:49

That is so true Chegirl

DD understands that is DH's family adults are 'Auntie' & 'Uncle' and all children are cousins & there are hundreds - when she was young she assumed all 'black' people she saw were family

Whereas in my family most adults are 'Auntie X' or 'Uncle Y' but cousins can be adult or child & that there are far less family on my side

She doesn't get confused - she just accepts

RockinSockBunnies · 25/03/2009 22:49

I have at least 16 first cousins, most of them have children who I also call cousins. DD calls all these relatives 'cousins' in a general sense and since she has no actual first cousins of her own, since I'm an only child, she quite likes the fact that my cousins are also her cousins.

Why on earth would you want to start splitting hairs as to the precise genetic, family relationship going on? Surely telling your DC - "no, that's not your cousin. That's your step-second-cousin-twice-removed" would be a tad more confusing?

Original poster
Scaredycat3000 · 25/03/2009 22:50

I have a huge family, I just want to keep things straight, thats all.
Closeness is not shown in what you call each other, it's taking time to listen, giving time to each other, etc.
Step thing not bothering me, really. Seperate issue. Never liked the fact that the half-sister didn't know she was half-sister untill late teens, but we all knew.

OP posts:
TrillianAstra · 25/03/2009 22:55

No, children of cousins are second cousins.

'Removed' means they are in a different generation to you.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cousin

bloss · 25/03/2009 22:57

Message withdrawn

chegirl · 25/03/2009 22:58

OP - I think I get what you mean about fibs. I feel v.strongly that children should know about their family and who is who, parentage, siblings etc. V.v.important IMO. But I dont think this is the same issue. Its not lying, its accepting IYSWIM.

I hate the way some kids grow up with no clue who their dad is or that the girl down the street is their half sister etc. It causes such distress.

But I really dont think you LO would be confused by your new 'cousins'.

Harley If you think your brain is pickled

Katy my kids would often ask 'is that my cousin' if we stopped to talk to anyone brown/black/beige . Family is so hoooge they often were!

g4grapes · 25/03/2009 23:02

purpleduck, know what you mean about feeling like a visitor. My family always refer to everyone as auntie, uncle or cousin. Found out not that long ago that we aren't blood related to some of them! Doesn't mean to say I don't regard them that way.

In the end its between you and your H to decide, whatever BIL may do, there is no harm in them being referred to in two different ways.

Original poster
Scaredycat3000 · 25/03/2009 23:02

Just to clarify the child in question, step or not, could only be second cousin.

OP posts:
g4grapes · 25/03/2009 23:05

Just read my message back (hit post instead of preview).

Maybe there will be confusion if they are referred to in different ways. I always refer to DH as Andrew or Drew if necessary, but when I first met his mates I had no idea who the "Andy" the kept referring to was! I had to ask, you can imagine how embarrassed I was when they pointed to DH!

Basically ignore my advice, apparently I can't come down on either side of the fence!

nancy75 · 25/03/2009 23:06

i think if you see these people regularly and regard them as your family its best to just call them cousin/aunt or what ever to save confusion when your child is small. i have 63 proper first cousins, and god knows how many kids they have between them, my dd calls all my cousins aunt or uncle and all the kids are her cousins, it just gets too confusing otherwise.

purpleduck · 25/03/2009 23:10

My kids have almost no family here - most of it is the "step" variety.
I always call them Aunty/Cousin etc. I'm not sure they are so keen on accepting us into THEIR family - but the thing is, if I didn't insist on it, my kids would have 1 "proper" aunty and 1 "proper" cousin here.

How sad is that?

Pawslikepaddington · 25/03/2009 23:11

Dd has uncles that are younger than her, but she doesn't call them Uncle, whereas she does call friends of my mum "auntie".She also has cousins that I am unsure if they really are cousins (her father's cousin's first wife's children from a previous marriage-they have now split but she still sees them as his mum is their grandma). V complicated but great fun when explaining to strangers! Does it matter that much as long as the child has fun in their company?

nancy75 · 25/03/2009 23:11

purpleduck, have some of mine, there are so many of us nobody would notice a few extra!

mrsbabookaloo · 25/03/2009 23:11

Ponce alert - I think in shakespearean English, cousin just meant anyone related to you. Though someone even poncier will no doubt come along with a more precise Shakespearean usage.

I'm close to my cousin, and he's close to my dd: we did look up the real relationship, and he's a cousin once removed I think, but really, it's fine if she calls him uncle, because the role he fills in her life is much more that of uncle than of cousin.

In Turkey, any older male person, related or not, is an "amca" or uncle and older female is a "teyze" or auntie...I think it's lovely.

purpleduck · 25/03/2009 23:15

Thanks Nancy!
I promise to look after them, buy them nice christmas pressies, invite them over for celebrations...

edam · 25/03/2009 23:15

mrsbabook, sounds like Up North during my own childhood - every adult was 'Uncle' or 'Aunty'. Apart from passing strangers.

One thing I miss, living down South - ds only calls actual blood relatives Auntie. Such a shame.

nancy75 · 25/03/2009 23:16

invite them over - all at once you must be mad, they dont all fit in one house!

Quattrocento · 25/03/2009 23:16

I think I get the problem

Your BIL (presume your DH's brother as opposed to your sister's husband) has a baby. You are due to have a baby. Your baby and your BIL's baby will be real cousins. Whereas you think that their step cousin isn't their real cousin, and by calling the stepcousin cousin, this will somehow devalue the blood tie relationship of your own child.

But really you know, life's too short.

g4grapes · 25/03/2009 23:18

If we are sharing family, does anyone want some of mine?

All my Mum and Dads Uncles and Aunts are mine as well, not great-uncle etc. If we followed that tradition DD would now have great-great uncles and aunts and she hasn't got round to calling my grandparents "great" yet! Makes family gatherings enormous!
I agree with Pawslike the most important thing for a child is they feel loved by these people, not what they call them!

There I have picked my side, although would that make it a three-sided fence?

purpleduck · 25/03/2009 23:23

I LOVE that sort of thing! And I have very few opportunity to entertain on a large scale much. We have giant parties with friends, and everyone thinks I'm mad!!!
They all have a lovely time though

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