AIBU to have issues with fil new girlfriend?

[g4grapes]

Ohhh where to start? DH mum died 4 years ago, and fil found new love after a year. Got engaged after six months. She lives other side of the country so we have only met her a handfull of times despite her visiting him several times. The last instance we were informed that we came somewhere below the Tower of London on their list of things to visit whilst up here.

I keep trying to extend the olive branch, but have been shunned - we have to give three days notice, and then....she doesn't want to be seen in restaurant with DD (who is 3) as she interrupts their meal!!

When confronted fil informed me that at a family gathering DH didn't fall on the floor at her feet when he saw her so she was offended and upset.

Now my twins christening approaches and I am expected to include her despite their on/off off again/on again relationship! I pointed out that there would be children and food in a public setting!

DH is getting very upset as this woman seems to be actively barricading our access to fil, and we did have a good relationship previously. My mil never really liked me, but we tolerated each other and even, dare I say it, ended up in a place of mutual respect.

There is obviously much more back story to this, but rant over....thoughts appreciated!

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Am not expecting everyone to like us, I am iffy about DD at times!
DHs family are not best known for their communcation skills, which coming from a family where you wear your heart on your sleeve is very frustrating!
One (haha) of my issues is that fil moans (and she moans via fil) that people have made judgements about her before anyone knows her. We have asked to get to know her, and she shuns us. No one has had any "proper" contact with her at all. We had never made a judgement, and even offered to support fil and his new lady at the expense of relationships with other family members, but I don't think the gesture is appreciated.
There is also a distinct lack of perception on their part (maybe love blinkers?) that after a year DH might still be getting over his mother going and being introduced to the new focus of his father's life is a bit of a spanner at the head.
I have been delegated by DH to discuss all this with FIL which I am happy to do, but am worried about coming across as the badgering, interferring DIL! Oh for a quiet life!!!

its his chance to get on with his life - his children are grown, his first wife dead - if its complicated for him and he accenpts it - so be it - its non of your business.

i would be gracious enough to extend the invitation, even though she probably won't come - and even if she did - erm...so what.

let him get his willy wet and be involved in some love drama - why not

Drama is certainly what their relationship is all about! Its like having a 17 year old in the family!
Should be live and let live, I know, but its hard to watch the effect it is having on the relationship between FIL and DH. It is almost as though FIL feels he can't speak to/see us if she is around. The impression is either she has said he can't have her and us or he feels that way.
It wouldn't be so be if DD didn't keep asking when she was going to see Grandpa......

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It's not much help, but I think it's one of those situations where even if no one is really doing anything wrong it's still going to cause friction. I don't think it's something you can solve, but just accept that things are different now.

FIL is bound to see his new love as the center of everything. New love is bound to be more interested in him than you. DH is bound to feel hurt by this new person's presence and you are bound to feel mistreated and stuck in the middle.

also i think ins ome situations we as parents can project the depth of feeling we expect grandparents to have - and in some cases , well...they just don't

your daughter will get over it, your son will get used to it. but it is his life - you have your beautiful family - let him run amuck for a while.

Ok, but it's now 4 years since his mother died isn't it? So even though it may have been tough for him the first year, perhaps he (and you) are not being fair to be still mentioning the fact that they only got together a year after her death? Is your OH basically still smarting from the fact that his dad fell in love with someone else 3 years ago? Does he perhaps need to let go of that and move on?

That's how it reads to me.

I think she is being a bit unreasonable about babies in public eating places but maybe you are being a bit unreasonable to pointedly mention that there will be food and babies at the christening?

I think it's only right that you include her if your FIL is serious about her, to not include her would be quite mean. Why wouldn't you want to include her?

We are desperately short on space for the party and they have had two relationship "finishing" arguments in the last two months, but always manage to make up before she gets a trip away - that he pays for! At my bil party to celebrate his wedding she wasn't going to come, then she was, then she wasn't, and we were left in suspense until the day of the party to see whether she would come (she did, that's the instance that my husband was expected to stand and salute the moment he saw her. What actually happened was that he was busy entertaining DD as I was 7 months pregnant with DTs and could bearly walk!) This was OK at bils event as it was a casual do held at a friends. Unfortunately due to the restricted numbers there are many people I can't invite as it is. We could invite her, but with her diving backwards and forwards as to whether she comes or not, I could offer that space to someone I know would want to attend.
I mentioned the food and kids as it was put to me in exactly that way as to why she didn't want to come for a meal with us, DD would interrupt her meal, which she wants to eat in peace, and "lets face it she hasn't the best table manners, has she?" DD was 18 months old last time she sat at the same table as her!
Its difficult to know whether they are together most of the time or not. It was lucky I spoke to him on Sunday, as the last we knew their relationship was over, and his invite would have been sent on Monday with just his name on it if I hadn't phoned to speak to him about a different matter.

Families!!!!!

The posts are a bit confusing. You start by referrring to her as a "new" girlfriend, then say they have been together for 3 years! That's quite a well established girlfriend. It sounds as though they don't live together and recently the relationship has been on and off, but then you say that she is preventing aceess to FIL. If they don't live together why can't you just visit FIL, invite FIL over on his own, go out to dinner with FIL, maybe inviting the girlfriend if she's around, but if she doesn't like eating out she doesn't have to go.
I think FIL could make more of an effort if he wished. My mum is dead, but if my dad got a new partner and stopped coming to see me/ wanting me and kids to come and visit me I would not blame his new partner. Men don't have to be spineless!
If they are together again and as she is an old, not a new girlfriend I think not inviting her would be very rude to your FIL. She's his partner whether you and your husband like her or not. I'd invite them both if now together, but send the invite to your FIL. Hopefully you'll be so busy on the day that her presence will seem irrelevent.

but.... do you think maybe your husband is holding on to some bitterness towards his father's girlfriend from 3 years ago and that perhaps if he sorted out these issues and tried to be more accepting of his dad's girlfriend things might be better?

if he's madly in love he certainly won't want to be spending a lot of time with dull family members, their spouses and tiny children. he'lkl want to be in bed with her or taking her out to nice places and showing her off. Just put yourself in his shoes. They probably don't want to spend loads of time with you. Why shoudl they? He's done his childrearing daeys and now he's found new love again, lucky him. Be pleased for him.

Certainly invite her. If she doesn't like children then she can stay away if they will put her off. Is she of child bearing age? May be they'll give your husband a half sibling!

PMSL @ Custardo "let him get his willy wet". I just choked on my coffee
I'd say invite them both, if they go then grin and bear it if they don't its their problem.

Invite them and be very nice to her. That is all you can do. His relationship if her problem and up to him to sort our.

Tis a shame that your DH has so little contact with his father though. If I were in her shoes I'd be keen to make myself as agreable as possible to my chap's DCs. On the face of it she sounds a little bit odd.

Xenia - fab post.

Of course the OPs father is allowed to find new love, i would be over the moon for him. But she is behaving badly towards his family and i don't care if he has "done the child rearing thing" If this were me, she would have had the elbow the minute she upset my son! Of course there are two sides to every story and maybe there is some resentment on behalf of the son that he can't get past?

If I were you though, id invite the witch and evolve the table plan that she sits on a table full of toddlers!! she sounds horrible! BUT she is your FILs GF and i guess you will just have to suck it up - send RSVP, and if she says yes - assume she is coming, he she dithers about it just be blunt and say look, if you say now you dont want to come, you wont be able to change your mind as i will invite someone in your place - easily done. But if you DON'T invite her in the first instance then you run the risk of FIL boycotting, which would be childish and pathetic, but possible as he is clearly thinking with his cock at the moment.

We had the same sort of thing, when Dad met somebody after Mom died.

She refused to have anything to do with us, would walk out if we went to their house (in fact it took her 4 years to meet DH)

She has never been to any Family gathering, although she is always invited, (said that there was to many of us all together at DS's wedding!)

But luckily enough Dad, just comes on his own and let her get on with it, although he has to put up with her not speaking for days, when he gets back.

Unfortunaltly this has been going on for 16 years, and i cant ever see it changing.

I am dreading when Pops dis (he is 15 years older than her) God knows what she will be like then !

sorry, this is up to DH not you imo.

Not fair on you to have to broker it. If father and son reach an understanding over time than that's fine. Nothing will work unless it comes genuinely from the two of them.

I really hate the way men of all ages delegate this stuff to their womenfolk.

I would say to your dh - you sort it out.

Or invite them and then leave them alone to stabilise their relationship and let them come to you.

I've spent years taking on my dh's family stuff until a very wise friend said leave him to do it and I have and it works much much better even if you can't believe it will.. It's his family after all, you've only married into it.

Good luck. Life's too short for this kind of stress for you imo!

This woman obviously does not want anything to do with FIL's family.
FIL is not strong enough to see his own family if she does not want to come.
Yes, there is an imbalance of "power" within that relationship.
FIL needs to stand up to her and tell her to bloody come OR come on his own and your DH can ask him why he feels his family is second to his girlfriend, and tell him how hurtful it is.

In the end if your FIL has no backbone and is with a woman who thinks his family is a threat/rival to her or just a nuisance, there is not a lot you can do.
Your DH will either have to discuss it with his father or stop getting upset...he probably is wondering why his dad has replaced his nice mum with a woman who won't acknowledge his existence. I also suspect issues about HIS mum never got to see his child while the new girlfriend acts as though the child is an irrelevance/embarassment.

I think some posters have been a bit harsh, I have a family where one person is controlled by their spouse in this way and it ruins all gatherings. We ended up with a "sod it" technique and just carry on. They get invites...

My dad is a widower and has a lovely girlfriend who adores DD (whom my mother never saw) and I think I would be gutted if suddenly my dad never visited, or only visited with conditions and spent all his time with someone who treated me like dirt.

After all, if they have been together 3 years he still shouldn't be panting to get up her dress all the time.

Invite both with a clear RSVP - and get an answer one way or another.

"If I were you though, id invite the witch and evolve the table plan that she sits on a table full of toddlers!! " that's just a really awful thing to suggest IMO.

Hopefull the OP doesn't call her the Witch!

Well, I can't bear high-maintenance people, which is what she sounds like. But, I think you have to invite her, if she's FIL's partner and it's all back on again. Just pray she doesn't turn up. I know that means sacrificing a space for someone you do want there, but I think you're just stuck with that, sorry.

Thanks for your input, DH told me last night that he only wants his Dad there, I have discussed it with him and will support him, but have told him that he breaks it to his father, and hopefully FIL might have the back bone to stand up to her and come.

No the battle axe will not be providing any half siblings as she is well past child bearing days! As noted before there is an extreme power imbalance in their relationship, but DH is worried for his Dad, I think. This is his first and only relationship since MIL died and DH is concerned that FIL is holding onto a "toxic" relationship with both hands as he doesn't want to be alone. She seems to be taking full advantage and if she throws her toys around FIL will spend a huge amount of time, money and energy trying to make things right, although he isn't always clear what is wrong!

I just hope my own Dad learns from this if (god forbid) anything happens to my Mum!!!