AIBU to have issues with fil new girlfriend?

[g4grapes]

Ohhh where to start? DH mum died 4 years ago, and fil found new love after a year. Got engaged after six months. She lives other side of the country so we have only met her a handfull of times despite her visiting him several times. The last instance we were informed that we came somewhere below the Tower of London on their list of things to visit whilst up here.

I keep trying to extend the olive branch, but have been shunned - we have to give three days notice, and then....she doesn't want to be seen in restaurant with DD (who is 3) as she interrupts their meal!!

When confronted fil informed me that at a family gathering DH didn't fall on the floor at her feet when he saw her so she was offended and upset.

Now my twins christening approaches and I am expected to include her despite their on/off off again/on again relationship! I pointed out that there would be children and food in a public setting!

DH is getting very upset as this woman seems to be actively barricading our access to fil, and we did have a good relationship previously. My mil never really liked me, but we tolerated each other and even, dare I say it, ended up in a place of mutual respect.

There is obviously much more back story to this, but rant over....thoughts appreciated!

I think sometimes men aren't good at recognising manipulative women. As a woman I'm often amazed by how many men stay in relationships where they are emotionally manipulated.
We got concerned after my mum died about my dad's relationship with a younger woman who seemed to be manipulating him. I think he just wasn't used to it as my mum wasn't manipulative and never did emotional blackmail. Thankfully he has distanced himself from her. If he cut down contact because of a woman I would discuss it with him though and not invove her or my husband. I agree with those who say your husband and FIL need to discuss this. Perhaps your husband could discuss his concerns about your FILs relationship with him? It may help FIL to get another point of view on things. Some men are very rubbish at being on their own though. Can FIL go to some adult ed classes to give him new interests and meet other people?

The manipulative part is certainly true, she plays him like a hand of cards, knows what buttons to push etc. I have pointed out that MIL took 40 years to get to know him, and yet he is prepared to give this woman full power after a few turbulent years. FIL is very trusting, and never thinks bad of anyone really. She is also younger by about 10 years and doesn't appear to understand that he may not have the energy to trawl around shops, following her and carrying bags!

Did suggest some sort of classes or a group soon after MIL died, but he felt it was too soon, he wasn't really a group person etc. I think it was the thought of breaking into other interests on his own that was scary. If the relationship doesn't work out I will suggest them again though.

I have pointed out recently that if his future does lie with her, we just want him to try to make some space for DDs. If we didn't have kids I think we would have been willing to let this drop.

She even persuaded him to book a holiday over my due date for the twins! I think we can safely say she doesn't want to know us!

"If we didn't have kids I think we would have been willing to let this drop." can I ask why?

surely with or without kids the issue of him being manipulated is still an important one?

I think that you just have to allow for FIL being an adult. It doesn't look as if he would come without his partner. I would just invite them both, if they come let them muck in without special treatment. I would remain friendly but don't put yourselves out.

The manipulation issue is important, don't get me wrong, but in the end, he is an adult, its a bit like having a teenager new to dating, you have to let them learn for themselves (he has been off the dating gane for 40 years, and kind of "fell" into the relationship with MIL so no real experience with women).

I meant we would let go of the issue of not seeing him or speaking to him as much. I know we have to expect a certain reduction in communication, but we spoke to him a couple of times a week before, and now we speak to him once a fornight, if that. If he is staying with GF then we could go a month without hearing from him. Me and DH try to text to make sure he is alright, and he won't reply for days if he is with her. It sounds really silly, but I am very concerned that something could happen to him, and we wouldn't know. I don't trust her to call us.

piscesmoon we have tried to be friendly, and I would never be openly hostile, but it is the unsettled nature of this and its effects on DD1 (DTs are only 4 months) that bothers me.

I can sympathise, but he is an adult making his own choices and there really isn't anything you can do. Forcing the issue by trying to see him and not her will be counterproductive IMO. All you can do is remain friendly and not expect a lot.

I got the impression they didn't live together though and the girlfriend lived a long way away whilst the FIL was much nearer. In that case seeing him on his own should be easy. Maybe I picked it up wrong.

I got the impression that FIL wouldn't go without GF in tow-and suggesting it would cause a row.

If not a row-ill feeling.

2rebecca they don't live together, although he is not exactly round the corner from us either. She lives about 4 hours from him, and he practically drives past our house to see her.

DH spoke to FIL about this at the weekend and said that if she wants to know us then she really should make an effort. We have invited them out several times, if we are told that she will be visiting. FIL is aware that it is a standing open invitation if we haven't been told.

FIL said he would speak to her about it, but next time she is up if we are to get together with them, then the invitation should really come from us. Does anyone know why? I was slightly put out by this, as even if we do invite her out she wriggles out of it (see the previous post about requiring three days notice!). Slightly put out may be an understatement, I went off half cocked! Was I being unreasonable? We don't want to intefer too much when they have time together, and as she treats visiting him as a holiday, I completely understand that they might want to plan things first and then think about dinner with us. I am certainly not suggesting they plan their time together around dinner with us! But my feeling is that he feels he can ask us "to be the adults", but the worrying implication is that he can't make the same suggestion to her, and he knows she won't "be the adult" automatically.

I am trying to be level headed about this, but DH is getting worked up, and he doesn't get worked up easily. I am trying very hard not to wonder how MIL would react to this whole situation, as it is completely conter-productive and pointless, but I know she would be horrified that her boys are upset by this, and FIL doesn't seem concerned, other than he feels in the middle, not worried about DHs feelings at all.

UUURRRRRGGGGHHHHH! MEN!