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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to let my 14yo DD stay at home and have friends round?

34 replies

MrVibrating · 24/03/2009 22:50

I suppose this is more am I being reasonable really...

This weekend is the first of the school holidays for DD1, and she has made plans to go out with her friends (taken by a parent) on Saturday. She also wants to have 2 friends over on Sunday to watch all the Harry Potter films on DVD.

For reasons I won't go into now, the rest of the family are going away for the weekend; we want DD1 to come too, but she wants to stay and go ahead with her plans. After talking this through calmly with her (yes, really!), I am inclined to trust her (what am I saying?) to stay at home on her own, and (with their parents' permissions) have her friends round.

How likely am I to come home Sunday night to find the house full of teenagers emptying the wine cellar/spirits cabinet, with Alien Teen Slayers III (which is not, as far as I am aware, part of the Rowling oeuvre) on the DVD?

Am I being reasonable in rewarding a generally sensible teenager with some independence, or am I actually insane?

OP posts:

GrubbyMare · 24/03/2009 22:51

I genuinely do not think she is old enough to deal with anything overnight if ou cannot easily get to jher. I wouldn't.

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 24/03/2009 22:54

Wow! I have DD the same age and though I trust her implicitly it's all the other freaks out there I'd be worried about knowing she was home alone (albeit with a couple of friends) for the weekend. So I would have to say you're insane.

Ebb · 24/03/2009 22:55

Could she perhaps sleep at her friends on the Saturday night then have her friends round at yours on the Sunday so she gets her 'independence' but not the responsibility of the overnight?

AnyFucker · 24/03/2009 22:57

noooooo

expect the "party" to be advertised on Facebook and the region's yobs to turn up and trash the gaff

mynaughtylittlesister · 24/03/2009 23:03

I have a DD that age, and I honestly don't think that my DD would be happy at staying in the house alone over night! Also to be honest, I wouldn't want to leave my DD either.

Yes I trust her, yes I know most times what she is thinking (much to her annoyance!).

TBH I do not think 14 yr olds are old/mature enough to be left on their own over night!

I really like encouraging independence but I do feel that this is taking it one step too far!

FairLadyRantALot · 24/03/2009 23:10

I am just in awe of anyone having a wine cellar...really

as to the matter in hand..I think the suggestion previously, of her maybe staying over at the friends house is a bit better...

although, maybe depends how far away you all are? and if tehre is anyone, neighbour, etc...who could be called in for support, should support be needed?

Thunderduck · 24/03/2009 23:10

It's a bad idea imho.

RockinSockBunnies · 24/03/2009 23:18

Sticking my neck out here, but I don't think it's a bad idea to leave her overnight.

If she's sensible, as you say, then surely you can take the chance and trust her and give her more adult responsibility?

I was left home alone for weekends/occasional weeks when my parents went away from the age of 14 upwards (I'm 27 now, so not that long ago really - mid to late 1990s). Nothing bad ever happened to me - my friends would come and stay over, I'd show off my pasta cooking skills and I loved having the responsibility of the house and the freedom and space it brought with it!

If your DD would be happy to be home alone and can easily get in touch with you if necessary, then why not give it a go?

GumsNRoses · 24/03/2009 23:21

I have a 13 yr old (going on 19 ) and there is no way I would allow her to stay home alone, as has been said before teenagers get wind of these things and before you know it half the county is camped on your lawn and you have made the national press.

No matter how much you trust her, its all the other yobs little darlings you have to worry about.

ingles2 · 24/03/2009 23:22

I'd say no way,
but my mum used to leave me home alone for the weekend from 15.
I did have parties though, drink their wine cellar and shag boys but always managed to clear up beautifully before they came home...
mmm... still a no

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 24/03/2009 23:25

At 14 I went out to clubs, cadged taxis back with random people, went on a plane to Turkey and stayed in a hotel by myself overnight. I could go on.

Give her the space, if she breaks your trust then restrict it for a while.

And remember she has an entire life you are not privy to.

mumeeee · 24/03/2009 23:25

She is to ypung to be staying at home alone over night.

2rebecca · 24/03/2009 23:28

It sounds as though you should have told your daughter you were going away and she was coming before she made plans. If her plans were known and OK'd before you decided to go away then you shouldn't go away. I wouldn't leave a 14 year old overnight. Is there a relative who can stay with her, or a friend she can stay with?

Original poster

MrVibrating · 24/03/2009 23:54

So that's a fairly clear consensus, but I am glad that there are at least 2 of you are not at this!

I will let you know how it went.

Oh and the wine cellar is not actually a cellar: we used to use the old coal store under the stairs, but now it is just some cupboards in the garage. And at the moment most of it is stuff we are looking after for a friend.

OP posts:

mummyflood · 25/03/2009 08:33

Only you know your DD, what she is likely to 'try to get away with' if anything, more importantly what her emergency arrangements are, etc. Would be interested to know if the 2 friends parents would be happy with them staying overnight with no adult supervision. Sounds like from your last post that you have already decided to go ahead with the plan??

I have DS's 15 and 13 and personally would not entertain the idea. They would not want me to either.

Good luck!

cory · 25/03/2009 08:40

It depends on the child. And it depends on the kind of friends she has. It would have been perfectly safe for me, because of the friends I had.

The freaks won't find out she is at home alone overnight if she doesn't tell anyone. If she lets her friends think she is only alone on Sunday, that sounds fairly safe.

alurkerspeaks · 25/03/2009 08:48

I was allowed to do this with friends when I was a teenager -probably aged 15 (GCSE year).

Friends parents had a weekend cottage. They used to allow their daughter, me and another friend to stay for the weekend in their 'townhouse' while they were away.

MY parents were always available in case of disaster (they are friends of the cottage owning ones). We used to watch Videos, drink schloer, and feel dreadfully grown up. We also used to study for big chunks of the Sunday.

Nothing bad ever happened, and we never invited more people round as we knew that we would be in deep trouble. When we got a bit older they used to leave us some wine too (and we never touched the wine cellar - the risk of accidentally opening something very expensive was too high).

notsoclever · 25/03/2009 09:00

We came back from a weekend away when dd was 15 to find that our normally well behaved, trustworthy, intelligent daughter had (despite specific instructions) had a party.

Once she told her friends that we were away they egged her on to invite a couple of others round. They invited a couple of others, who invited some lads they knew, who ..... etc. Fortunately not on facebook!

She had done her best to clear up, and there was minimal damage, but it could have been so much worse. During the party, a lamp had been knocked over (just kids messing around), it fell on to some books, and before anyone had noticed it had started smouldering. I still feel sick to think about what might have happened.

Importantly, dd had been really, really frightened by the experience. She thought it was just a group of friends but she soon found out she couldn't control what others were doing, or who they had told, or how much they were drinking. She tried to keep people out of certain rooms, but couldn't. [We are pretty sure that someone had sex in out bed - yuk]. And once it started getting out of hand, she panicked and was too scared to call on adult friends who might have helped her sort it out.

DD's friend are all "nice kids", but collectively they saw an opportunity and took it. There was a massive amount of alcohol consumed.

Not saying you shouldn't do it, but with hindsight I would have made sure that one of our friends or neighbours was nearby to intervene if necessary.

Hope it all goes well.

kentmumtj · 25/03/2009 09:05

its a huge responsibility to give a 14 year old child.

To look after the house ensure it was locked up ensure any cooking appliances were off etc etc.

IMO i would not allow this to happen. Day time yes evening yes all night with parents away for weekend no.

you may trust you dd but what about her friends, how well do you know them? any smoking? drinking going to be going on? if so this would make them do things they may not normally do.

i would think very carefully before deciding. And if you say yes to this what would she ask of next??

i have 3 dd's and 1 ds eldest nearly 18 trust her so much and she is very sensible i would still think long an hard about leaving her for a weekend?

womblingfree · 25/03/2009 09:05

I went on my first solo holiday with a mate just before I turned 15, albeit at a self-contained family-run holiday camp!

I think it depends on your daughter. If she's confident about doing it, and you feel she's mature and trustworthy enough for you not to worry yourself atupid and come home to mayhem, then it might be worth letting her have a go.

Have you got any neighbours/friends really close by that can keep an eye on things and be on hand in case of an emergency? If so I definitely don't think you're bonkers in letting her have a bit of independence.

My friend's daughter is 14.5 and if my DD is anything like her at that age I certainly wouldn't have a problem in letting her do something like this.

Unfortunately I think she may well turn out out to be the rebellious type....

juuule · 25/03/2009 09:25

From Directgov
"children under the age of sixteen should not be left alone overnight"
Leaving children at home alone

Original poster

MrVibrating · 25/03/2009 23:51

Thank you all for your further comments. Just to reassure some of you on a couple of points, we would not have allowed her to have her friends round to stay on Saturday night, only during the day on Sunday. We made it a condition that her friends parents know that we would not be there on Sunday.

As it happens, she has now arranged to stay over at one of these girls houses on the Saturday, but they will still be coming round to our empty house on Sunday.

I have found these comments really interesting. Does it sound smug to say that it has made me realise how lucky we are to have DD1? She knows we are there to set boundaries, and she is not afraid to push against them (or indeed smash straight through like an express train where the bedroom tidiness boundary is concerned). But we all know that these boundaries need to change over time, and she realises that the best way to drive this change is through negotiation, not by throwing a teenage strop (which again she is quite capable of doing).

Now, what if it was her boyfriend she wanted to have round on Sunday?

OP posts:

midlandsmumof4 · 26/03/2009 01:13

Good luck-personally I would still be wary about the Sunday arrangement. Boyfriend-. I have 4 boys and I know they would never tell me this was going happen at this age if there were no parents about. I wouldn't let em .

malovitt · 26/03/2009 01:37

Can I just add - a few months ago, my friend went away and left her 15 yo dependable and trustworthy daughter at home for one night. Daughter mentioned it to a friend, who mentioned it to another friend, who..... etc.

10pm, the poor girl rings me in hysterics ( I live nearby but haven't been asked to keep an eye on her because she is so sensible). She has taken herself off to bed with her book when her doorbell rings. There's about thirty young lads and a few girls with carrier bags full of booze on her doorstep trying to force their way into her house because they know she is alone. When she won't open the door, they start to trash the garden and one is trying to force a back window open. I grab DH and we race round there to tell kids to clear off - but a few refuse to go, adamant that they have been invited to a party. We have to call the police to disperse them and I have to stay there for the night as she is terrified. Police call back a few days later and have stern words with my friend, bringing a folder full of photographs of party- trashed homes of 'dependable and trustworthy' teens who have been left alone.
Young people will somehow always find out where there is an adult-free house!

AnyFucker · 26/03/2009 07:28

teenagers will trash a house on a Sunday afternoon too !!

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