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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel unappreciated on mothers day?

29 replies

ohtobeatrueDH · 23/03/2009 20:15

Mothers out there - fresh from your mothers day disappointments I would like your opinions...

I tried to pull out all the stops on mothers day.. there was a massage (paid for not from me), lovely dinner that i cooked on saturday night, a lie in on sunday morning, breakfast in bed, cards from kids, chocolates, flowers, day out with lunch out on day itself and also managed to plan day without my mother so it was free of the MIL for my DDW. OK thats the good stuff...

on the down side I was anxious on saturday cos I had to look after the kids when the 6 nations rugby climax was going on as DW was out at posh hotel child free celebrating her mothers birthday... so couldnt watch it live and was anxious and nervous as a result. And then on sunday morning was grumpy for a little while as kids were up in night and I got up at 6am so DW could have a lie in (followed of course by breakfast in bed, flowers, choccies... yes I know i am repeating myself).

Lets just say that not a lot of gratitude has been shown for my efforts!!! I have been told and told that I ruined the day with my grumpiness on sunday morning (and of course my grumpiness on saturday). I feel this is somewhat harsh and would love to know what you all think.

OP posts:

alicet · 23/03/2009 20:19

I think if your dw was out all day Sat without children and then didn't thank you for your efforts on Sunday on the face of it she is taking the piss.

Depends on what a 'bit grumpy' is though - no treats are worth it if the giver has a face like a cats bum and is short and bad tempered all day. It would hardly be enjoyable in this situation would it?

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 23/03/2009 20:19

It does sound a little harsh TBH.

I think your wife is a very lucky lady!

P.S. If I give you his e-mail, could you give my DH some of your lovely ideas!

Original poster

ohtobeatrueDH · 23/03/2009 20:25

A bit more clarity then on 'a bit grumpy'... it lasted from 10am when took breakfast in bed to DW until 11.15am when left house. I was impatient with kids getting them dressed and all that trying to get out of house (you know how it is when you are sleep deprived) and DW would no doubt say I was impatient with her but hand on heart none of grumpiness was aimed at DW and left the grumpiness behind when we left the house.

OP posts:

Uriel · 23/03/2009 20:28

Anxious and nervous about a game? And grumpy because of it? - sorry, don't quite follow that.

alicet · 23/03/2009 20:29

If you're just talking about being a bit grumpy getting them up and out for an hour or so I think she's overreacting in a major way. This is almost normal behaviour for us!

And actually I'd personally put up with a lot more that that to have a lie in until 10am and to be woken with breakfast in bed. presumably you were getting the kids up, not her, so didn't have to affect her unless she let it did it?

On the face of that - YANBU

alicet · 23/03/2009 20:30

Uriel. he's a bloke. He wanted to watch the rugby which was a big match deciding the result of the 6 nations. The children were a bit noisy so he couldn't appreciate it. Is that clearer?

TheCrackFox · 23/03/2009 20:34

Sounds to me like your DW needs to cut you some slack.

But then I am more than happy with tea and toast in bed and a hand made card.

slowreadingprogress · 23/03/2009 20:37

anxious and nervous because you can't see the game - sorry, you are a grown up with the responsibilities you chose, and you don't have the luxury of giving in to frankly juvenile feelings like that (and clearly making your feelings 'felt')

TBH I think the things you organised sound lovely, and thoughtful, but being grumpy because of basically having to look after your own kids (during saturday, during the night and morning of sunday) is enough to take the shine off for your wife I would think

Yes your thoughts were good, but all you have done is look after your own kids, after all - I'd guess your wife does that the rest of the time...

Uriel · 23/03/2009 20:39

Ah, but I need to know his own excuse explanation.

For me, op, grumpiness over 2 days would negate any amount of treats.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/03/2009 20:43

You sound slightly resentful of it all really. Don't know you, so don't know if you're being unreasonable or not. 'Cos it ain't just what you do, but the way that you do it...

slowreadingprogress · 23/03/2009 20:43

exactly uriel - specially when it's grumpiness basically only about having looked after his own kids

myfeethurt · 23/03/2009 21:40

If you can't do something with good grace then don't do it at all, thats my advice

Dottoressa · 23/03/2009 21:45

My first thought was that I'd give my proverbial eye teeth to have a DH who looked after the children while I had a cup of tea in peace and quiet for one morning of the year. My second thought, though, is that grumpiness - even if there's a reason for it - takes the shine off everything. Personally, I'd go for a cheerful DH and no cup of tea/breakfast/flowers (as things stand, I seem to get a grumpy DH and no tea/etc - must be doing something wrong!!)

Original poster

ohtobeatrueDH · 23/03/2009 23:15

the grumpiness was because i was tired from being up in night with kids and then from 6am. Certainly not grumpy because i was looking after my kids which I love doing and do all the time! I work part time and look after them 3 days a week while my DW is working and we both look after them at weekends.

I guess Uriel you are coming from the same place my DW did. I just wish i hadnt been grumpy but was so so tired and sometimes it is hard isnt it.

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 23/03/2009 23:20

Thing is, there's a sport I love and adore and I used to use my annual leave off work to follow - I can relate to that love of a sport.

But having had a child, when it's on now - I don't watch. And I don't spend a nanosecond feeling 'anxious' and 'nervous'

Sorry - that just doesn't wash

However as a fellow parent, we have all been utterly exhausted and I can sympathise with you. but nothing's a treat if your partner's a grouch!

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 23/03/2009 23:20

well have you told her all this?.... might be more constructive than whinging to a bunch of strangers?

Portofino · 23/03/2009 23:22

Well you sound lovely to me, and I have been well trained not to make arrangements that coincide with major sporting events. Maybe we could do a swap?

PS I am used to grumpiness.

Spero · 23/03/2009 23:30

I think maybe part of the problem is that DW just doesn't understand why you should care so much about a game. I used to get quite annoyed with my ex who seemed to want to watch every dreary football match going. But it was important to him, so maybe I should have tried a bit harder.

But what killed our relationship stone dead was his constant, visible, expression of 'grumpiness' - and believe me to the recipient it often doesn't seem as cute and cuddly as that word would suggest.

Bottom line, she does sound a bit spoilt and unappreciative, and I speak as a bitter single parent here. But equally, i think grumping about and making it clear that you are in a Bad Mood is just childish and quite toxic for a relationship in the long term.

MinkyBorage · 23/03/2009 23:36

It sounds like you did everything right, very sweet planning and doing the chocolates, lie-in, massage etc, but tbh, I'd rather do without any of that if my dh is just going to end up being grumpy, it sounds like you ruined it for her. No sympathy here I'm afraid. I'd say a bunch of daffs and a big apology from you are the only way ahead.

Original poster

ohtobeatrueDH · 23/03/2009 23:36

we have talked about it but didnt really get anywhere hence posting here to see what others thought. I can understand the surpise about me saying 'anxious' and 'nervous' - the thing was I wasnt watching live as you cant really do that with kids of 4 and 2 but recorded it to watch later without knowing the score and was worried that one of the many mates i have that txt regularly during games may spoil the plans I had to watch it when kids were in bed. I am just digging the hole a bit deeper here with this explanation I guess. Think i will shut up now and go to bed. Pleased to hear that tea and toast and a card will do it for some... the expectation seems to be so high for many with mothers day that disappointment seems to be a bit inevitable... will ensure that next year being charming all day is higher priority than the gifts. I guess I just feel disappointed that my efforts fell on deaf ears as my heart was in the right place.

OP posts:

Spero · 23/03/2009 23:40

There is a great relationship/self help book which sadly i cannot now recall name or author, but it made the very salient point that men and women have very different opinions about what 'counts' as a loving gesture - men often do something grand and overblown and think the woman will love it, whilst the woman is sobbing in a corner because he didn't say anything affectionate.

Gross generalisations I know, but I think the little things often go down quite well. I

mamas12 · 24/03/2009 00:14

Get over yourself. Why do you need all the recognition on Mothers day/ What does she do for you for Fathers day? And are you as appreciative as you think she should be.

mamas12 · 24/03/2009 00:36

Sorry I got a bit grumpy there, must be because I'm sleep deprived. - dcs - and sore throat - poor Wales - Stephen Jones you are great man don't stress about it.

Original poster

ohtobeatrueDH · 24/03/2009 00:42

a prime example of what sleep deprivation can do to you eh mamas12?! Give me Jones over O'Gara any day and on that note... I am going to bed so that I am only a bit sleep deprived tomorrow... you should get some sleep as well mamas12... dont think anyone will be sympathising over sleep deprivation with post midnight MN posts...

OP posts:

Dottoressa · 24/03/2009 09:23

Ohtobe... er, why not turn your mobile off so your mates can't text you and spoil your plans?!

But you do get Brownie points for trying, which is more than lots of DHs manage!

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