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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that a 15yo should not be expected to be a childminder?

48 replies

tearinghairout · 23/03/2009 12:12

Neighbour's ds goes to an after-school club while his parents work, but in Sept he starts secondary school & will be home at 3.50pm, & they get in 5.30-6pm. They want my DD (15) to look after him & help with homework. When I put this to her, she said 'So, I'd be a childminder?'. She doesn't want to let them down, she could do with the cash, but it'll be her GCSE year so she'll have a fair amount of her own work to do, plus any after-school activities & friends to see. So it would end up with me looking after him sometimes.

Part of the prob is that I work pt from home, so neighbours think I'm available. I would be prepared to be the 'emergency' contact for school if he's ill etc. He is a lovely boy but continuously asks questions, so is quite demanding to look after.

So AIBU to refuse this request?

OP posts:

Sfendona · 23/03/2009 12:17

Of course you are Not.

For your dd is a huge responsibility and very tiring if its on daily basis. Ocassionally yes i would prob agree but mon to fri i think it is too much for your dd.

tiggerlovestobounce · 23/03/2009 12:17

No, I dont think you are unreasonable to not want to help out. It sounds like your DD feels like she cant say no?

Portofino · 23/03/2009 12:18

Isn't "expected" a bit strong. Presumably no-one is going to make her do it? I can see why they think it might be good scenario, your dd earns some money, and their ds has some company and help with his homework. But like you say, your dd has other commitments and wouldn't really be free to do this all the time. So I don't think YABU to say she can't really do it.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 23/03/2009 12:19

At 15, I don't think a couple of hour's babysitting a day is too tiring - at that age I had a Mon-Fri 4 - 6pm job in a shop. Let your daughter decide, but she must regard it as a proper "job" and not think she can drop it (and you in it) any time she can't be arsed.

nickschick · 23/03/2009 12:19

I think that a paper round would take up an hour after school and lots of kids have family commitments that mean their free time is limited - I think it might be good grounding as far as pat time jobs go,does she want to do anything child related after school? teacher/youthworker etc .....

Our ds1 who is 15 has 2 younger sibs and has had to help with them and when we went to be interviewed at college they were impressed that he showed initiative whilst caring for his sibs and the tutor said it carried a lot of students the fast they had family obligations or part time jobs.

GrapefruitMoon · 23/03/2009 12:22

If you/your dd don't want to do it then don't. Or would your dd be prepared go do it but not every day? Lots of yr7 children are on their own at home until their parents get in - do this boy's parents feel he is too immature?

Also, there may be after school clubs he can do once he starts....

Maybe suggest your dd will help out on days she is free, providing she can get on with her homework while she is there and you will be there for emergencies at other times - providing he knows it is for actual emergencies and won't just bother you cos he's bored....

brimfull · 23/03/2009 12:24

If she wants to make the commitment then I see no problem with the arrangement.
She should know that she needs to do it not you if she gets a better offer.
Good way for a 15 yr old to get regular money as it's hard to get a job before 16yrs.

Blondeshavemorefun · 23/03/2009 12:40

every day seems a bit much, incase your dd wants to go out with a school friend for a coffee etc

maybe IF she wants to do it and earn some pennies, she could say do 2/3 days - the same each week

tbh if the child is at secondary school then he should be capable of being by hiself for 2hrs after school and have a snack and start homework

alicet · 23/03/2009 12:47

She isn't being expected to be a childminder though is she? Your neighbours have asked - she is perfectly able to say no if she (and / or you) wants!

I would talk to her about the responsibilities surrounding saying yes to this - she has to view it as any other job and therefore can't dump on you if she wants to see friends / do her homework etc etc. As long as you think she is responsible enough to be able to weigh this up and decide herself then let her decide.

if however you think she is likely to say yes, not understand the responsibility and then leave you in the shit then tell your neighbours that she cannot do this.

I think looking after their son for a couple of hours 5 days a week needn't get in the way of her own school work which she can do later on or her own free time but I think the 2 of you need to decide what is best for you and then give the neighbours and answer without feeling that she has no option but to say yes

tessofthedurbervilles · 23/03/2009 12:52

Its a tie for her and, in principle it would work, but what if she is unwell or wants to take up an after school hobby etc? It would mean she couldn't got to friends after school / study etc.

alicet · 23/03/2009 13:04

Arrangements would need to be discussed for if she is unwell (are you happy to carry it or if not then his parents would need to make alternative arrangements for that eventuality like most parents have to do with childcare).

As for the meeting friends / doing an after school activity these are things she will have to weigh up when deciding if she wants to do it. Could always agree to do it for just a couple of days a week instead of 5 or perhaps to do it for a month and then reassess?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/03/2009 15:00

I did a regular babysitting job every friday and saturday night at that age. I did loads of babysitting in the evening and during the day in school holidays and I would have jumped at the chance of 2 hours work after school every day. It's up to your DD - if she wants to do it, is mature and responsible enough to do it, YABU and a bit precious. If she's not up to 5 days a week (and why should she be) then she can suggest fewer. It's not really a big deal.

flowerybeanbag · 23/03/2009 15:11

Nobody is 'expecting' her to be a childminder. They need childcare and have offered your DD a job which presumably she is perfectly free to turn down if she so wishes?

But if she's going to want to go to after-school activities and see friends then she obviously won't be able to accept the offer, or at least not 5 days a week, so it's up to her to work out whether she wants to accept it and what level of commitment she feels she can make.

seeker · 23/03/2009 15:11

Very odd thread title - your neighbour has put a sugestion to your dd which will earn her some money moderately painlessly. She can say yes or no. She will not be a childminder - she will be spending an hour and a half doing her own homework at your neightbour's house while giving an 11 year old a hand with his if necessary. Can't see the problem. If it's too tying, could she offer to do 3 days?

Actually don't think it's for you to say yes or no - it's up to your dd, isn't it?

Original poster

tearinghairout · 23/03/2009 19:22

OK, thanks to you all. Some good points raised. It's good to hear that some of you have done similar. I think she sees it as a huge commitment, stretching into the future, which is something she doesn't want, but she doesn't want to say no to the neighbours. Anyway, her decision. So yes, thanks - you have helped me to see it a bit more clearly.

OP posts:

SalBySea · 23/03/2009 19:27

Surely there's no harm in them asking. Asking doesnt = expecting. She may have liked the idea but ya dont know till ya ask!

juuule · 23/03/2009 19:31

If she wants to do it, fine. If she doesn't then she can say no. She shouldn't feel obliged.

2rebecca · 23/03/2009 19:36

I started babysitting at 15. I wouldn't leave a 15 year old alone with a small baby normally unless I know they are experienced at looking after babies) but with older kids they should be fine. My parents never had to get involved. Do you think your daughter isn't sensible enough for this or something?

pointydog · 23/03/2009 19:41

Your dd needs to think very carefully about what she would be prepared to do and she may as well be honest about it with the neighbours as she has nothing to lose.

Every day after school could be quite a big commitment for a 15 year old.

cat64 · 23/03/2009 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

tearinghairout · 24/03/2009 19:47

Thanks for these points. The growing up thing is very true.

I suppose there are a few unknowns - he is likely to be at ours, I think, rather than theirs, although I don't know. They have a sophisticated alarm system, including alarmed floors in some rooms so I think he'd come to ours.

I suppose I got the impression from DD that she doesn't really want the hassle, but feels that it is hard to turn down because they are friends.

How much do you think would be reasonable to ask as payment? That might persuade her!

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/03/2009 21:19

if he comes to yours, then you will prob end up being/feeling responsible for him

better he goes back to his own house

Original poster

tearinghairout · 24/03/2009 21:47

Yes, that was part of my concern - he comes to ours, DD phones her mates/watches TV, I entertain him. But I can't see them going out all day & not setting the alarm.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 25/03/2009 00:28

Having previously posted that it's a bit of a cushy number for your DD, at the end of the day, if she won't commit to it - for whatever reason - she shouldn't start. This was to be a job opportunity for her, not you - you're already working at home and don't need the extra stress.

But I would have a chat with DD about how one pays bills for food, heating, going out of an evening, new clothes, shoes/boots etc.

kentmumtj · 25/03/2009 09:44

it can be looked at from many different angles.

This will be a big step for the child from primary to secondary. It may be that in a very short space of time he feels confident to be at home by himslef. So may be a short term 'job'. Perhaps speak to the neighbour with your dd abou the possibility of her doing it for a term (til Xmas) to see how all is coping with it. Normally it is after xmas they step up the GCSE's revision stuff.

It could be an opportunity for dd to sit with him and do their homework together but seperatly if that makes sense.

i have a feeling that the neighbours child will not want to be 'childminded' for very long anyway

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