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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find out that my SIL's "interfering" was as a result of my dh's suggestion?!

34 replies

onthepier · 23/03/2009 10:11

Basically our dd has to go into hospital for a "minor" operation soon, (removal of tonsils + adenoids). Both our families are concerned, (as are we of course)!

I've just opened a letter from dh's sister, to find several A4 sheets of information on tonsils/adenoids, printed off the internet, with a note attached from her saying that Google is the best place to look for anything medical or otherwise, (as if I didn't already know, I often use Google, as does nearly everybody!)

Wondered why she took it upon herself to print all this + send it, as we've done a substantial amount of research to come to the decision that our dd needs this operation!

Mentioned it to my dh. Apparently he asked her if she could look up some info on tonsils + adenoids once we had the operation date through, as he felt it would make her feel "more involved", as she's so keen on the dc's + lives so far away!!

AIBU to think that he's made it look as if we're incapable of looking anything up on the computer ourselves? As this actually relates to our own daughter, I'm feeling a bit with him!

We do involve his sister in lots of things to do with the dc's, but I feel he's just made us look incapable!

OP posts:

nomoreamover · 23/03/2009 10:13

OH MY GOD I WOULD BE LIVID

seriously - livid......YANBU

lilymolly · 23/03/2009 10:14

oh Whilst I understand your pissed off......
I also think its quite sweet and thoughtful of her to do this for you.

Yes I know its a wee bit patronising, but try to let it go x

Eve4Walle · 23/03/2009 10:19

Ah, she's just concerned, try not to be too angry.

I did something similar many moons ago when my ex-SIL was smoking during her pregnancy.

alicet · 23/03/2009 10:22

Actually as a doctor...

Google is NOT the best place to look up anything medical. You can find a whole load of crap on the internet and without knowing who runs the sites you are looking at it might be unvalidated nonsense that you find.

I am sure that you have however done planty of sensible research on properly validated websites to find out what your daughter is having done!!!

Think it is a strange thing for both your dh and your sil to do but personally I would smile and nod and ignore. No harm done really is there? And fwiw i don't think it amkes you look incompetant either

alicet · 23/03/2009 10:22

Actually as a doctor...

I am sure that you have however done planty of sensible research on properly validated websites to find out what your daughter is having done!!!

alicet · 23/03/2009 10:22

oops didn't mean to post twice

compo · 23/03/2009 10:24

'Google is the best place to look for anything medical or otherwise'

er, no it's not!!

Lulumama · 23/03/2009 10:26

YANBU!!

google is the best way to scare the shit out of yourself and find all sorts of unsubstantiated opinions and advice.

meant well i think, but totally backfired

StealthPolarBear · 23/03/2009 10:27

I can see why you're annoyed and yanbu - it's almost as if she thinks you aren't capable or wouldn't be bothered to do this. But you must know that (assuming your SIL is a normal person) that she didn't intend it that way, and is just trying to make herself useful. I have a friend a bit like this - she keeps telling me about things I can do or benefits I can claim because of pregnancy. I feel like saying I do do research and ask questions too you know! But she does mean well so I would be BU to say it.
Agree with alicet, and I'm sure as you already know but a warning to anyone lurking who doesn't - if you're doing research for anything important, medical or otherwise, make sure you know the source you're getting the info from before you act on it! (That goes for MN as well )

SamVimesIsMyHero · 23/03/2009 10:28

Actually I think YABU. I think your dh's sister wanted to help and be part of your family (alot more than lots of other family members you hear about on here). Your dh has tried to find her something practical to do (probably the best thing he could think of on the spot) and she's done it. I think you should stop being cross with your dh and realise that probably you are just anxious about the operation. Good luck to your dd.

tessofthedurbervilles · 23/03/2009 10:31

Its a bit annoying but her intentions were well meant so I would try not to let it bother you and smile sweetly...some people can be patronising without realising and pulling them up on it only ends up making you look unreasonable...

tiggerlovestobounce · 23/03/2009 10:31

Im not surprised that you are angry with your DH. Your SIL only did what he asked her to do.

Do you have the sort of relationship with her where you could phone her and moan about what your DH just did?

BarStoolCobra · 23/03/2009 10:32

" Google is the best place to look for anything medical "

well that is horsecrap isnt it? It makes you ILLER imo!

alicet · 23/03/2009 10:32

compo great minds!

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 10:33

Are you cross with your DH or with your SIl? If you are angry with her YABVeryU. She only did something your DH asked her to!
If you are angry with your DH you are maybe a bit over sensitive as to why he asked her. He meant it as a way to involve her with your her Dniece. Why do you feel it makes you look "incapable" for not having done it yourself?

Dingbatgirl · 23/03/2009 10:43

Hi onthepier, It is something you could just as easily do yourself, so understand when you say it looks as if you're incapable of looking anything up.

Sounds like she is really caring and well-meaning.

Hope all is well with dd, I had my tonsils and adenoids out at age 6 and that was the end of alot of nasty illnesses.

stealthsquiggle · 23/03/2009 10:48

Sounds like your DH was on the spot to come up with something SIL could do to 'help' and gave her the first thing that came to mind.

He's a man. They don't think about these things.

If you are feeling charitable then I would apply myself to thinking of something more constructive for her to do - and tell your DH to think before he speaks next time.

DevilsAdvocaat · 23/03/2009 10:51

sounds like your dh was being nice to his sister.
sounds like she cares a lot about your children.
why don't you just let it go?

Original poster

onthepier · 23/03/2009 10:53

Hi, thanks for all your responses!

Should have said on my original post, that it's my dh I'm annoyed with rather than my sil. He needn't have asked her as we've already done the research.

Now if he'd suggested her coming to see our dd while she's in hospital or afterwards, that would have been completely different!

Have texted her, thanked her for the info but made it clear I didn't know my dh had asked her to do it. She texted back + said she thought it was a bit strange he'd asked, but was glad to be of help if needed!

She didn't mean to be patronising, I realise that now, but I just wish my dh had asked me first!!

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 23/03/2009 11:02

Ah well, does sound as though he was put on the spot for a way for her to help and came up with a pointless exercise. At least you can vent to him - and your SIL doesn't think you're an incompetent technophone who would rather file your nails than find out the facts of your child's operation!
Hope it goes well and the operation clears up any problems she's been having.

Gorionine · 23/03/2009 11:03

Does he really need have your permission to ask a favour to his sister?

Original poster

onthepier · 23/03/2009 13:10

GORIONINE - My dh doesn't have to ask my permission for anything! However, as it's been mainly me who's attended appointments, chased for results etc for my dd, I just thought it was a bit out of order for him to ask his sister to look it all up, bearing in mind the amount I've researched, doctors + consultants I've seen, etc, in the last year!
I suppose I felt a bit undermined.

OP posts:

blossomsmine · 23/03/2009 13:24

I don't think i would take it badly at all! I might, just say, oh yes i google regularly and had found this info, but thanks anyway!!

TheProvincialLady · 23/03/2009 13:29

Why undermined? Do you think your dh thinks his sister is better at googling than you are? Or do you not trust his explanation that he wanted his sister to feel involved? I honestly don't get the problem. I think you are deflecting your anxieties - completely understandable but don't you think your dh is anxious too?

AnyFucker · 23/03/2009 13:33

let it go, honestly, what are you getting so het up about?

concentrate on your dd and don't sweat the small stuff, as they say

(I would be happy if this was all I had to stress about)

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