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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel hurt?

37 replies

dol1y · 23/03/2009 09:23

My husband did nothing whatsoever to mark MD yesterday. It is my first MD - last year I was recovering from two miscarriages - one of which left me hospitalised. He was aware that it would mean something to me as various people had mentioned it and asked what we would do to mark it. He said he would have to get his thinking cap on. I wasn't expecting a gift but it would have been nice to get a card with some kind words. I feel like we have come such a long way and been so lucky and blessed with our little girl but I have had serious problems with BF since she was born and it has been the hardest thing I've ever done persevering with it and this alone I just wish he would recognise. Even if he had just wished me a happy MD verbally I would have been less upset. I feel dreadfully hurt and last night dissolved into a tearful row. He is a good husband in many many ways but so thoughtless at times it feels like he doean't give me a second thought. I felt humiliated in front of my family when they were wishing me a happy MD. Friends sent me messages and this made me feel all the worse for his omission.

OP posts:
WorzselMummage · 23/03/2009 09:26

No YANBU. Your Husband has been an unthoughfull twat.

((have a hug))

well done for BF !

WorzselMummage · 23/03/2009 09:26

No YANBU. Your Husband has been an unthoughfull twat.

((have a hug))

well done for BF !

Leni75 · 23/03/2009 09:32

I concur Worzsel....

My B/F was about the same though we don't have the miscarriage story...my mum even sent him a card to write for me...long story but i got card, envelope and even the envelope my mum sent it in, nothing written in it, not even a scribble from Jayme, nada

Blokes are wankers

And, Yes, well done for BF, its hard work but worth it....

morningsun · 23/03/2009 09:34

hi there
i was wondering whether he is thinkingof md in terms of his own mother primarily if you are still young and new parents?
or is he shy about expressing himself?
otherthan that not sure,but in general terms speak out early on while the situation can still be got over instead of bottling it up and then having a row~ if you had jokingly said in the morning "if you've not got me a card or something small for md i'd strongly advise you to get something now!" at least he could have rectified his mistake.
Men can be a bit passive sometimes and are definitely not mind readers ime and that is probably what happened.
Try saying to him,it means a lot to me after all weve been thru together to have recognition for that and some fuss made of me ,but i didn't want to row about it,maybe you could do something kind,however small next sunday.

Dingbatgirl · 23/03/2009 09:35

YANBU. I hope he does better next year, he should reflect on how you feel if he's a good dh. Yes, men can be thoughtless, they have to be organised and told what we want.

Agree with Worzsel, you are doing a fantastic job with BF, I remember the sheer hard work but so pleased I did it, looking back.

morningsun · 23/03/2009 09:36

forgot to say yanbu for feeling hurt

ThingOne · 23/03/2009 09:39

Worzel has summed it up.

I do remind mine about these things in advance, and yesterday morning I had to remind him to get the cards out but he would never have got through the whole day without saying something.

WowOoo · 23/03/2009 09:40

I would feel hurt too.

I think from what you've said that you're doing brilliantly. You need recognition from the one's that love and know you, when they forget and are thoughtless it can be horrible. Buy yourself a lovely bunch of flowers and put them where he will notice them!!!

WorzselMummage · 23/03/2009 09:42

Would have summed it up better if i'd have said 'Thoughtless'.. I am not entirly sure 'unthoughtfull' is a word

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 23/03/2009 09:47

YA absolutely NBU

It's likely my birthday will fall on MD next year and it will be my first MD. I've already let DP know that I expect double the pampering and he has said 'but you're not my mother' - luckily for him he was smiling at the time! I know him and, although he can be a thoughtless arse at times, he'll probably come up trumps.

But when men think that they don't have to do anything for the wives/partners because 'you're not...', when the sprog is too tiny to think let alone do, then they need a slap... Let him know how hurt you are and ask him if he expects FA on FD.

I'm due just before FD and I've told him that he'll get looked after - somehow... even if it's sending him off to play in his boat with his male friends for a weekend whilst I get help from MIL.

pollywobbledoodle · 23/03/2009 09:50

a male friend of mine was in a similar situation , he and his wife had a dd after 3 miscarriages.....he said he couldn't bear to celebrate the first mothers day in case it all went wrong and their child got ill/died....he was depressed.... maybe worth a thought?

Original poster
dol1y · 23/03/2009 09:51

thanks for the comments - I'm a bit embarrassed cos I am not a 'princess' type at all! I would never throw a fit about a pressie or anything usually its just the casual thoughtlessness of it that hurts. I guess I need to communicate better....

OP posts:
tessofthedurbervilles · 23/03/2009 09:55

Well I am a complete princess....and I would have thrown one about this....you deserved some thought and recognition on that day of all days. Do you think he will try to make it up to you?

Lemontart · 23/03/2009 09:59

YANBU

I have yet to find the best way to handle MD. Tried the "say nothing and hope for a suprise" - ended in disappointment, tears and a row - tried the booking a table for lunch and just caused stress as it was too busy, too expensive and rubbish food. Also done the hint thing and not that successful either. So this year I tried a new "I don?t give a flying monkeys, I am going to be the perfect mummy instead and just enjoy being with my girls" approach. Yeah, right! Worked up to 6.30pm!

I tried really hard to enjoy yesterday inspite of DH and his uselessness at marking the day. Managed until kid?s bedtime where my veneer of polished yummy mumminess fell in bits all over the bathroom floor. I finally asked him directly to do something for me - supervise hair washing while I had a coffee - he just grunted a bit on the computer and ignored all the bathroom mayhem. I snapped, stormed into the bathroom and took over, full on tantrum. Poor kids. I yelled at them for soaking the floor and ruined the end of their bathtime by being like a sergeant major hair washing and nit combing. Stormed through the hair drying, school reading book and read their bedtime story far too quickly with none of the usual comfy relaxed night time reading we usually do. I was so pissed off with DH. Also annoyed at being such a cow to my beautiful two children (who I will be extra nice to this evening after school to make up for it)

Then he had the bloody cheek to ask what I was cooking for dinner as he fancied a lamb curry (I hate lamb curry). I cooked the damn curry and ate none of it - total martyr mood and DH acted totally oblivious to me, telling me it was lovely and what a shame I had no appetite Grrrr!!!

Honestly, next year I am going to buy and wrap my own damn gifts and book myself into a day spa with my mum. No more martyrdom as it just failed miserably Next year I am going to try the new tactic that involves caring deeply about the materialistic side of MD, not only spelling it out to DH but organising it completely myself so that he can?t mess it up. Total selfishness will inevitably fail just as badly as this years martyred approach but is likely to be more enjoyable than this year has been!

Is it too early for a glass of wine?

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 23/03/2009 10:04

lemontart - speaking as someone into her 28th week and counting, and especially after the day you had yesterday, it's never too early for wine...

Original poster
dol1y · 23/03/2009 10:10

lemontart - sorry for your rubbish day but thank you for describing it - i sympathise!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
dol1y · 23/03/2009 10:11

tess - i don't know if he will try and make it up. He has gone on the defensive after the tears last night...

OP posts:
MuppetsMuggle · 23/03/2009 10:15

Hugs for you all who had a rubbish day.

DP was so sweet yesterday, he got up early and made me brekkie in bed. He got DD up and she brought me in roses and a lovely card. My mum brought me a card from DD incase DP forgot, thankfully he's not that bad. We went over to my mums, and DP went over to his mums and took her out for lunch with his brother who was down from London. DD was good all day.

anniemac · 23/03/2009 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

kando · 23/03/2009 10:16

dol1y & lemontart -

My MD didn't go too well either! Wasn't expecting any gifts or anything, got some lovely cards from my 3 dds, both dh-bought ones and dd-made ones! Got up, made my own breakfast, mid-morning coffees, I made lunch, did the washing, hung it out, sorted out the dishwasher, got frog-marched round IKEA (which I was very about as I wanted to browse!), got home, cooked tea for the girls, showered and hairwashed all 3 girls, poured my own wine (and his) and cooked our tea. DH only noticed I was peed off when I didn't top his glass up (after noticing he'd opened a bottle and not topped mine up - childish, I know but ...) So he said to the girls I think mummy's in a mood, ask her if she is. Well, I bet he wished he'd not asked coz he got it in the ear I can tell you! It would have been nice just to have him make me a cup of tea or coffee once during the day or offer to help at bathtime. MEN

kando · 23/03/2009 10:17

[Rant over] Feel a bit better now!

tessofthedurbervilles · 23/03/2009 10:20

On the defensive? What did he say exactly? Just wondering if the post about someone's husband being a bit depressed might have a ring to it?

minesacheeseandpicklesandwich · 23/03/2009 10:25

Defensive often means guilt. Try being nice now and see if he crumples.

MuppetsMuggle · 23/03/2009 10:27

Kando - what was his excuse for not doing anything??

kando · 23/03/2009 10:41

He didn't have an excuse MM! I think it was one of those "I didn't realise" type of things until I blurted it all out in the evening, whilst trying not to let the tears come out