Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to leave ds at playgroup until he is fully happy to let me go, even if it might take months?

48 replies

emkana · 22/03/2009 22:17

ds is two years 9 months. For the last six weeks or so I have been going once a week with him to playgroup and stayed with him th ewhole time. He is extremely clingy and slightly developmentally delayed (esp speech), also small for his age and distrustful of strangers, poss due to having encountered so many health professionals in his life. It seems that everybody incl his portage worker thinks I'm being overprotective and that he'll only think I am an integral part of playgroup and so will never let me leave. But I am hopeful that eventually he will feel so comfortable there that he will be able to let me go. aibu?

OP posts:
Plonker · 22/03/2009 22:20

You know him best, therefore YANBU

I left my dd's despite their initial protests ...'twas the right thing to do for them and they did settle without too much upset. All children are different though ...trust your instincts.

giantkatestacks · 22/03/2009 22:21

YANBU but they may well be right about him never letting you leave...

simpson · 22/03/2009 22:24

Is there anyway you can leave him twice a week instead??

Might not sound the right thing to do but a week is a long time for a small child.

Maybe once a week is not often enough for him to get used to it iyswim.

You have my sympathy BTW, have been through the same thing....

willowthewispa · 22/03/2009 22:25

YANBU - you can do what you like. However, I agree that he will possibly never choose to let you leave.

FromGirders · 22/03/2009 22:25

You know him best. Some children cry for a few minutes after mum leaves and are easily distracted. Others benefit from a more gradul withdrawal. Could you try leaving for five minutes, then coming back in, then leaving for ten minutes, etc? If you want him to go to playgroup and benefit by going on his own, then you might have to push him a little bit, without wanting him to become too distressed, obviously.

islandofsodor · 22/03/2009 22:26

YABU. If he is not ready to let you leave or you are not ready to leave him then maybe you should reconsider and perhaps try again in another term.

However YANBU in another way because you are his mum, it's easier said than done to do what you are supposed to.

mamas12 · 22/03/2009 22:27

Why don't you at least try it once and see?

MrsFogi · 22/03/2009 22:30

YANBU, I did this with DD and it worked out fine (after a while) - she knew I would not leave until she was happy for me to do so and one day said "it's ok mummy you can go now I'm happy to stay" and now whenever I drop her off anywhere she always tells me (normally a bit too soon for my ego) that I can leaver her alone now. You must do what you are comfortable with.

Servalan · 22/03/2009 22:52

YANBU. You know your DS best

Just a thought - if appropriate, is there any way that you can go into another room/sit in the hallway for a while to wean him off you being in the room with him all the time, so you are on hand if it really kicks off, but give him a chance to get used to being without you slowly?

I know this is an option at the Playgroup I plan to send DD to (which is one of the reasons I like the look of it)

Original poster
emkana · 22/03/2009 23:09

At the moment they only have one session available, unfortunately, two sessions from September.

The playgroup has two rooms and I am trying to keep very much in the background more and more and only be there for emergencies.

MrsFogi, that's my dream scenario!

OP posts:
Grendle · 22/03/2009 23:11

YANBU

You should do what you feel will work best for him.

SamJamsmum · 23/03/2009 06:57

I did it your way. I stayed full time for weeks and gradually withdrew ('popping out to the shops'). It worked brilliantly and we never had tears.
BUT my son's pre-school were in complete support of my decision. I think you need to have a proper meeting and explain your strategy and get them on board.

mumof2andabit · 23/03/2009 07:43

Is there another playschool you could try? We were lucky with our pre school, they have a parents room where you can see your child but they cant see you, they are more than aupportive of however you want to leave your child.

My ds is very out going and confident but if he had really not wanted to be there alone then I would have tried to find a different pre school that he felt happier to be left at iyswim.

racmac · 23/03/2009 07:45

YANBU

I took my ds to a playgroup at about the same age and he wouldnt let me go - i stayed with him for many sessions but he wouldnt even leave my side - i left him once for about 30 minutes and he was hysterical - he started having nightmares and not sleeping and was anxious about going before we even got there. In the end i stopped taking him.

6 months later i have just enrolled him at nursery and he loves it - no tears, no anxious behaviour - the staff were amazed at how well he has settled in - he loves it.

Listen to your son - perhaps consider changing play group? Stop taking him completely and try again when he is older.
Do what you both feel comfortable with - its supposed to be fun and it doesnt sound like either of you are having fun with it!

SoupDragon · 23/03/2009 07:47

I'd do it gradually. Leave him for 30 minutes, then an hour etc. Tell him you're popping out but will be back shortly and leave him with one particular person each time so he gets used tot hem.

I don't think not leaving him at all will necessarily work - he needs to know that even if you go, you always come back if that makes sense. Is he happy to be left with family?

sarah293 · 23/03/2009 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

juuule · 23/03/2009 07:53

Does he need to go?
Could you leave it and try again later?

I took one of my children out of playgroup because she was so upset every time we went. Started nursery the following September with hardly a backward glance.

Maybe he's not ready yet.

nickschick · 23/03/2009 07:54

My children were similar to rivens but i have a plan ......do you have a close friend/relative who would take ds to playgroup?? he might let someone else leave?

Lindenlass · 23/03/2009 07:55

YANBU - why does he need to go? Why not just not send him if he doesn't want to be left?

If you do want to leave him, try waiting til he's happy playing, and then just say to him 'I'm just going to pop out to get something from the car, I'll be back in a sec'. And then do that - pop out and come straight back. Do the same next time, and the time after, and gradually find excuses to leave for longer and longer. But don't go if he gets upset - counterproductive IMHO.

lionheart · 23/03/2009 08:07

YANB remotely U.

Eddas · 23/03/2009 08:13

some mothers are very pfb so I can understand why people think you're being overprotective, but in the end it's up to you.

What our preschool suggest is leaving them, even if they are crying as the staff will call you back if they need you. You could even sit in the carpark if that makes you happier so you are very nearby. When i've left dd and ds they have cried and it's heartbreaking but i'll call wherever they are to see how they are and they have always said they were fine in about 5 minutes.

Our preschool suggest that if a child really does have settling problems that at first you come back after say half an hour or an hour, then gradually up the time before you come back so they are there for the entire session.

The staff are used to children who cry and don't seem to want to be left. But some parents really do make it worse. I'm not saying you are but if you don't try leaving him you will never know if it's you being overprotective or him needing you.

Trust the staff, they really will call back if he doesn't settle.

TotalChaos · 23/03/2009 08:13

I think once a week isn't often enough, you probably need at least twice a week to help him get used to it. Does he have any receptive language problems?

Lindenlass - I imagine that em is being strongly encouraged by the health pros to send her DS to the playgroup for social/language reasons. Nursery does seem to be regarded as having magic powers for all kids with a language delay

Lindenlass · 23/03/2009 08:37

That makes no sense though (although I'm sure that's it's what they recommend - forcing independence on children too young for it seems to be a panacea in our cultre ). Surely a child will learn more language skills spending time with adults and older children than with loads of children just his age? He'd get more practice being with an adult and just a few more children than with an adult and heaps more children, surely?

paisleyleaf · 23/03/2009 08:38

My DD's playgroup are happy for parents to stay and settle their DCs for as long as they feel. I was there for over a term . But it worked out great. I gradually started popping into the kitchen to cut up fruit/wash paint pots etc, then moved on to popping away to post a letter, and so on. And when I did start leaving her there for the full mornings - she was happy , confident and independent.
I was a SAHM so had the luxury of the time to do it this way, and I felt that it wouldn't work to leave my DD upset and crying (I'd've struggled to even get her into the car to go afterwards). And I really didn't want to sneak away.
She started with 2 mornings a week though, and I do think the 2 mornings are better for getting them used to it.
So no, YANBU.

FrannyandZooey · 23/03/2009 08:47

yanbu
i did this and ds was fine when he got used to it there
i was able to leave him for longer and longer periods until he was happy to stay for the whole session without me
it probably took about 2 or 3 months in total

Swipe left for the next trending thread