to not want to leave ds at playgroup until he is fully happy to let me go, even if it might take months?

[emkana]

ds is two years 9 months. For the last six weeks or so I have been going once a week with him to playgroup and stayed with him th ewhole time. He is extremely clingy and slightly developmentally delayed (esp speech), also small for his age and distrustful of strangers, poss due to having encountered so many health professionals in his life. It seems that everybody incl his portage worker thinks I'm being overprotective and that he'll only think I am an integral part of playgroup and so will never let me leave. But I am hopeful that eventually he will feel so comfortable there that he will be able to let me go. aibu?

You should do it for as long as you need to or stop and come back to it when he is more ready. I agree with lindenlass that there is a tendency to rush children in to being independent early and it is seen as a negative thing when they struggle to leave their parents. He is only 2 and this time is precious, he will grow in confidence as he hets older and there really is no need to rush it.

I agree that two sessions would prob be better, but I do want this playgroup for various reasons.

I have been strongly encouraged to send him due to language development, but also I feel myself that it would be good to get going on it because in (gasp) 17 months time he will have to go to school and I feel like time is running away from me.

are they very used to dealing with kids with language delay? I think it's very important they know what they are doing, particularly if he has any receptive language delay. DS went to private nursery at 2.5 to help his language, and it was a disaster (at one point nursery manager wailed at me "sometimes I don't know if he's not understanding me or not obeying me - but he started at a school nursery at 3.10 which he loved straight away. His language had improved from single word to combiner level in that time - and also I had cottoned on to the extent of his receptive language delay by then. I suppose I feel that until DS was starting to speak in sentences he didn't really pick language up from his peers. Until that point it was the patient focussed 1-1 Hanen type work that made the difference - so I think that you need a playground/nursery where someone is prepared (and knows enough) to give that sort of input.

I completely understand why you are feeling so concerned - at 3 I was desperately worried about DS, felt that we were stuck on endless waiting lists (13 months to see a paed in joint clinic) and he was slipping further and further behind his peers. Although his language is still behind, finding the right school who are used to dealing with language problems has made an enormous difference. (DS goes to a small caring school in a deprived area, where the teachers are used to focussing on improving the language of all the children).

as a fall back, I don't know if you would consider your DS going to a language unit? (not all areas have these, they are very small separate classes in a mainstream school with trained staff/teachers and more SALT input, with a view to working intensively on kids language and improving it so they go back into mainstream classes).

tbh once a week isnt enough at his age, as a week is a long time and he wil forget the playgroup - its a shame you cant do 2 - might be worth leaving till sept, but then you have the problem of your ds being at school in a years time

yanbu to not want to leave your child crying and unhappy

but he is ever likely to let you go?

have you ever left him anywhere else, ie friend or relative/cm etc?

i think you need to build up his trust, so to do this find a teacher and leave your son with her, and then explain you will come back, walk out of room, sit in car park (have a sob if you need to) and then go back after 15mins

have a peek through the window, and theres a good chance he will be happy and playing - but if not then he will understand that you did come back and will learn to trust you

as you said in 17mths he will be at full time school, but he will also be older and hopefully that experience will be easier for him (and you)

YAB a birt U and over protective, Can you start to leave him for about 30 minutes then gradully leave him for longer periods, You will find he will be more clingy with you around but if you start leaving him it will give him a chance to become a bit more independant.

Have never heard of language units, definitely will investigate! Thanks for all your thoughts.

I don't know, I might be overprotective. On the other hand I see while staying with ds that there are some children there as young as 2.6 howling all the way through the session because the parents have dropped and run, and that doesn't feel right either.

Our local children's centre offers 'Chatterbox' and Hanan courses to help with speech. Perhaps that might be better?

YANBU

The biggest regret so far of bringing up children (now 10 and 7) was that I left my son (2 and and half) at a playgroup even though he cried and didn't want me to go. I left him because people kept telling me all children did that at first and they settle down once you've left. I found out off other mums later that he cried the whole time, every time, until I came back.

All children are different; what is right for some is not right for all. Group childcare was wrong for my son at that age and he was very happy with a day nanny in our house instead when I was working part time.

Trust your instincts and do what you think is right, whatever that may be. Don't do something just because other mums do it.

2.6 is young - most playgroups accept a child in the term that they are 3, so the youngest they would be is 2.9

as i said you obv dont want your child to be upset, but you wont be able to stay with him at schoolin 17mths time, so it would be good for him to start being away from you

maybe you could start by being away from him at home, so he is in his home environment and should be secure - leave with friend/relative etc

YANBU - he's only 2 and a bit!
he has plenty of time to be left when he is older.
He obviously needs you right now.
I don't believe that a child will never let their parent leave them if you don't start now.
Kids crave independence, when they are ready for it.

op son is 2.9 so 2 and a big bit, and she said he will be at school in 17mths - so she does need to start getting her son used to being left

mums/dads/nannies cant stay in the classroom

I know what you are saying but he has, as I mentioned, developmental delays, so I feel I need to give him some extra time.

I would imagine he will be worse if you stay. Surely the playgroup would call you if he didn't settle?

Ds started at nursery when he was 2.2 and I relied on them calling me if he was unhappy (they never did). He was a prem with lots of on going problems but very outgoing which I put down to his contact with so many health professionals from newborn on. He has delayed development which was very apparent when he started nursery - very poor gross motor skills, had just started walking, wasn't potty trained etc, difficutly in controlling joints - fell over a lot and a very weak immune system so he was always ill. I just made sure that the nursery knew his health and development issues and made sure they were happy to have him at the nursery. He started school last Sept and his nursery teacher cried when he left!

I know this is at a tangent slightly, but when settling my older 2 into pre-school we read lots of owl babies to reinforce the idea that mummy always comes back. When I go, I always made a point of telling them that I'd be there for them after circle time, so they knew when as well.

i LOVE that owl book

the only way the op son is going to learn to trust her is to experience her leaving and coming back - yes there may be tears (on both child and mums part) but this does need to be done

have you left your ds anywhere before?

YANBU. IMO, nurseries are too keen on cold turkey, because ti suits the staff.

Psychologically, your son needs to build up a trusting relationship with the staff - and this will take months. The more frequently he sees them, the easier this becomes. The trust will involve him building happy memories of the staff, the staff understanding his language and his little character nuances. Your son also needs to learn to be semi-independent - not have a one-on-one relationaship with adults all the time (ie be less clingly with adults in a group).

Takes time. some kids slide into it v quickly (my DS1), some are less trusting (DS2!!). I still feel very upset that I let nursery bully me into cold turkey with DS2, when I should have had a month of parallel sessions.

Yes I have left him before, with relatives (grandparents, uncle), and he's very happy to be left there.

Highlander, my thoughts exactly.

(Is it me or is it nicer to refer to another poster by writing the name instead of op?)

MollieO (sorry to hijack, emkana) - how is your son now?

It's just my DD is 2.5 and is almost exactly like your son was then, she has just started at playgroup too!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but it may be worth chatting with the staff to form a plan for how best to settle him.

Could there be particular trigger points that he finds more difficult than others?

I found with DD that she found the time when all the kids were arriving and being left by their parents was not the best time for me to leave her.

For a good few weeks we used to turn up intentionally late so the staff were more able to focus on her when she needed them to.

I was also lucky as there was a kitchen with a hatch so I used to stand in there. When she wanted things (e.g. an apron for painting) she would come and ask me and I would encourage her to ask the staff instead. Things improved a lot once she realised that they would help her in the same way I did.

I also found that both DS and DD found it easier to be left if they were settled in an activity before I went. So I will even now (six months after starting) often hold DD's hand until she finds a table she want to be at. DS didn't need that for nearly as long, he soon twigged that there was always an adult-led craft table and used to always start his mornings there.

Do you trust the staff to call you? If you don't trust them then that is going to make it harder for you to leave. In the early days I used to stress that I was not going home but just to the shops next door so I could be back as soon as needed if they called.

Independence is a great skill for kids to learn. But I think learning it can be hindered in two ways - one by forcing it too early, and one by not allowing it to develop.

Good luck, sometimes parenting is hard.

YABU, but i would be exactly the same. The thing is, if you don't leave him, you wont be ABLE to leave him there.

So, what do you do? Is there a worker at the nursery who you both like? Could you ask that person to spend some time with you when you stay with him, so he gets used to her/him? Then it wont be such a big wrench when you leave?

He is being clinging though because you are nurturing it - saying that, i would find it very hard to walk away if it were my child - mine can't wait for me to leave!!! But i was probably one of the more clingy parents at the school .

I would at least give it a try - could you possibly take him twice a week, so that its not such a long time between visits?? You never know, he might surprise you - the staff will know if he is too distressed and they will have your number - you could even wait around the corner and ask someone to ring you when he is settled.

One thing i would say though is this, if he doesn't settle soon it might be worth taking him out of the nursery for a few months and trying again later, BUT make sure you dont get into the habit of staying with him??

[sigh]

I wish it was easy....