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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have decided that this is definately the last year I buy a mothers day card and present for mil on behalf of dh definately

33 replies

Sails · 22/03/2009 21:15

My mum and mil do alot for my family. I'm aware of that and really apreciate it. My mil loves our family and thinks the world of my dc her dgc I know this. We have just come back well an hour ago from a lovely evening with them when she cooked a lovely meal for us. But every year I go to a great deal of effort to choose a lovely card with lovely apropriate words etc and lovely flowers etc for my mum. However dh always expects me to also buy a card and present for his mum too if I buy for just my mum he says wheres my mums so I usually as this year buy the same as what I got my mum. I feel its such a personal thing that I would hate it if anyone bought a card and or present for my mum from me. So have decided that dh should buy for his own mum next year. Nothing against her at all but she is his mum after all. AIBU?

OP posts:
tattycoram · 22/03/2009 21:17

Are you being serious? She's not your mother. Tell your DH to get off his arse and sort it out himself.

nancy75 · 22/03/2009 21:20

as you seem to be very fond of your mil i would just cary on buying the card. if he forgets next year its mil that will be hurt not dh, and if you are going out getting something for your mum its not like its that much extra effort

AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 21:24

yabu

if you like and respect your mil, why not buy her a gift and a card

I do for mine, but I do make sure that DH is aware that Mothers Day is also about his wife and mother of his chldren

he does not get off scot-free

doobry · 22/03/2009 21:24

It's really not a lot of effort to buy two of something to make someone you care about happy. If your DH is going to be rubbish about it that's not your MIL's fault and it's her that would be hurt. It would reflect badly on you too and maybe even damage your relationship with her.

Of course your DH should sort it out for his mother himself, and he is being rubbish, but hey, that's life.

Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 21:25

I know Nancy but she is still not my mother and when I buy the card for my mum I have put in alot of thought into it and I pick up a card for mil and think this is stupid shes not my mum I'm just doing it because dh expects me to iyswim! Have told dh this and he said ah but you chose a lovely card. And I say yes but I CHOSE IT for MY MUM!!! GGGRRRRR!!!

OP posts:
tattycoram · 22/03/2009 21:26

I do see your point Nancy, but really, I just find it shocking that grown adults behave like this. And personally I would rather not get a card than get one that my DS hadn't put any effort into (admittedly he can't even write yet, but you get my point)

Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 21:27

I really can't complain to much as ds1 and dh went out and ds chose a lovely (and cheesy!!!) card and a gorgeous present with the minimum of nagging too!!!

OP posts:
ShyTalk · 22/03/2009 21:33

doobry is sooooo right. I couldn't have put it better myself. Wise woman.

doobry · 22/03/2009 21:38

Why thank you ShyTalk . I love my MIL I couldn't see her go without.

Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 21:45

I wouldn't want to see her go without which means I will probably buy again next year but to me its a mum dc (even grownup dc thing) not a mum dc in law thing iyswim. This is not a mil bashing thread by the way. However to me choosing your mum mothers day card is an intensely personal thing. I don't just buy the first thing I pick up off the shelf and its personal to my mum noone elses. MIl doesn't know I choose and buy her mothers day card and present I am sure of it. Today dh got thanked but not me and I am positive she thinks dh chose it when she read the words she welled up and gave her a hug!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 21:51

I mean gave him (dh) a hug!

OP posts:
AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 21:54

sails, credit your mil with some insight

she knows you sort it

tattycoram · 22/03/2009 21:55

It's really hard isn't it, you don't want to hurt her feelings and in your circumstances I might do the same but I do think it stinks a bit. My MIL lives hundreds of miles away and I do remind DH a few days before as I know it means a lot to her, but I wouldn't choose and buy the flowers.

Doesn't your DH feel a bit wierd about it? I mean being thanked for something he hasn't done?

Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 21:57

Well he wrote on the card! But no I don't think he does well he doesn't seem to anyway haven't actually asked him!

OP posts:
tattycoram · 22/03/2009 21:59

Oh well! It doesn't really matter in the great scheme of things does it. I'm not a great judge of these things as my mum has made it quite clear she's not fussed about mothers day at all so we never did it in my family, but I do know it matters a lot to my MIL and I would hate to see her feelings hurt.

Cocobear · 22/03/2009 22:03

I think next year you should buy a lovely card and flowers for MIL, as per usual. Only sign YOUR name and if DH wants to sign as well, tell him to go buy his own damn card!

stainesmassif · 22/03/2009 22:05

Sails, did your dh get your mil something independently before you were together? I doubt my mil got anything before I came on the scene, but am more than happy to get her a card and present from dh. I honestly believe men (as a rule, but my dh in particular) are not great at keeping track of anniversaries, birthdays, etc etc etc. I just think they're good at other stuff....computer games, watching football.... but i knew that when i married him and i love him anyway.

Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 22:05

lol cocobear!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 22/03/2009 22:06

No I don't think he did!

OP posts:
deckchair · 22/03/2009 22:07

Why not tell your dh he can buy the card and pressie next year, leave him to it and see what he does?
BUT, have bought a card and gift for her just in case as you wouldn't want her to do without.
If he hasn't got her one, produce the gift on the way to see her and tell him it's only because you care so much about her and not to get him out of the proverbial.
If she has good taste, you will get to keep a lovely gift for yourself!!

Waswondering · 22/03/2009 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShyTalk · 22/03/2009 22:09

Sails - you obviously chose a good, tear-inducing card, which was perfect for the day. The personal, card-choosing thing is probably a woman-thing. I have never known a straight man who chooses a card like a woman does. They tend to go for the biggest/cheapest/flashiest/whatever. Women open cards up and read the words inside. Fundamental difference between genders re card purchase.

BEAUTlFUL · 22/03/2009 22:32

I really don't know. I get annoyed when DH forgets all his sibling's birthdays and I secretly think that they all blame me for not reminding him ... But this year, I bought his Mum a card on his behalf, and baked her a jar of ginger biscuits!

I don't think it's worth worrying about, tbh. Men are just a bit crap at things like this. but then, they won't ever get better if we keep bailing them out... Oh, God knows. I'm going to have a lie down.

2rebecca · 22/03/2009 22:35

I've never bought any of my husband's relatives cards. I occasionally buy presents for them if I see something I think they'd like, but usually that is his job too, as with sending his half of the family and his friends xmas cards. We both work, and we both dislike doing this sort of stuff. I see no reason to do his boring jobs for him.
That way if he forget's his sisters birthday it's not my fault as well, as I can never remember when his relatives birthdays are.

permatired · 23/03/2009 09:06

I confess [insert doormat emoticon here] that for our whole married life I have bought every card and present for every relative of both dh and I for every occasion there has ever been on the basis that if I don't do it he won't either and they will be upset. I even write his Xmas cards, every year, some to people I have never even met. If I gave him blank cards to write he never botheed, so one year I wrote his list and left on his desk with stack of stamped and addressed cards for him to write a message on and he STILL didn't do it. So, on balance, while I agree with what you're saying (that your dh should be buying a personal card and gift to his own mother), some men just don't see the importance so it's easier to just do it and save her feelings (or your own frustration at nagging and he still doesn't do it!). Doesn't make it right though

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