To have decided that this is definately the last year I buy a mothers day card and present for mil on behalf of dh definately

[Sails]

My mum and mil do alot for my family. I'm aware of that and really apreciate it. My mil loves our family and thinks the world of my dc her dgc I know this. We have just come back well an hour ago from a lovely evening with them when she cooked a lovely meal for us. But every year I go to a great deal of effort to choose a lovely card with lovely apropriate words etc and lovely flowers etc for my mum. However dh always expects me to also buy a card and present for his mum too if I buy for just my mum he says wheres my mums so I usually as this year buy the same as what I got my mum. I feel its such a personal thing that I would hate it if anyone bought a card and or present for my mum from me. So have decided that dh should buy for his own mum next year. Nothing against her at all but she is his mum after all. AIBU?

"I go to a great deal of effort to choose a lovely card with lovely apropriate words "

• and this is what I dont get. What is so thougthful in selecting an appropriate card with a prewritten message?

I dont think you can lay much claim to your "selection process" at all, honestly.

Buy Blank cards. Write your OWN lovely and appropriate message to your mum. Let your dh write HIS message to HIS mum.

Sorted.

I think there's a generation thing to women writing cards for their men. My mother and grandmother always wrote cards. Now my mum is dead my dad has to write his own. He does do it, but he drastically pruned the xmas card list to something manageable for him. It seems odd to write a card for your husband to someone you have never met though. If he can't be bothered then why should you? I think cards are more a women thing than men thing. Most men will happily not write them and not care if they don't receive any. Women get more bothered about cards.
When I married bloke I made sure all his relatives knew he was responsible for his card and present buying as his exwife used to do that stuff for him and I didn't want them thinking I was the one forgetting. He has been very good at doing it though. If he didn't send any xmas cards I wouldn't do it for him though.

I can understand why you feel hacked off at this situation. But truely you are projecting your feelings about mothers day onto your dh and he just doesn't have those feelings.

So while for you choosiing your mum's card and pressie is intensly personal and you wouldn't want it any other way he doesn't feel like this at all so will never get where you are coming from. For him any nice enough card or pressie would do and he sees that you buy nice ones for your mum so whats the problem in buying 2 he thinks! Its a man thing.

If i were you and i was out buying my mum a card and pressie anyway i would do as he asks and buy one for your mil. Its really not such a big deal to just double up is it?

I always ask dh if he wants me to get a card for his mum - sometimes he says yes, othertimes he does it himself. It really doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I think particularly now my mum is dead I would feel very weird and unhappy at buying mothers day stuff for someone else's mum

I get all the cards and gifts, for my mum, DPs mum, and my first DHS mum. I also do all the birthday and christmas ones too or no one would get a thing

2rebecca i can totally understand this. I don't tend to go out of my way to buy presents for dh's side either unless I happen to see something i think would be good.

However, we're talking about the op being out already and just duplicating what she is doing for her mum. I think this is very different to what would be in your situation goign out to specifically buy mothers day things for someone else which would probably also totally rub salt into the wound that you no longer have your mum ( hope you didn't miss her too much yesterday)

I love my MIL. She is great, helps us out a lot and showers love on my children.
My DH is forgetful, absentminded and very busy at work with a long commute.
I always get cards and presents for his family.
To be fair all the birthday and christmas ones I write myself and sign 'from edwardbear and mr edwardbear' so they clearly know i sorted it. The mothers day one I just buy and get DH to write.
I'd hate for MIL to go without so I'm quite happy to do it myself.
Just think of it as 'someone I care about in a motherly capacity' day instead of 'mothers' day and if you appreciate her enough in that respect then keep getting her a card!
I sent my step mum a card. She never mothered me as I left home before she married my Dad, but she's a lovely person and I care about her so I sent her a card from me and the kids.
If you care about your MIL and she really appreciates the thought then why would you not carry on doing it?

hear, hear Edwardbear, that is exactly what happens in our house

it is not against feminist principles to buy your MIL a card/gift

do it cos you want to, or leave it entirely up to DH (taking the risk she will get nothing)