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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to give up DSD?

27 replies

WellInTongue · 22/03/2009 18:48

When me and ex married he had a daughter who lived with him. She was 6 at the time. She never used to see her mum and I became her mother figure.

The split wasn't nice but one thing we did agree on was that I could continue to see DSD. We felt this was in both hers and my best interests and it was what she wanted. I have remained her main mother-figure ever since and she's now 13. I have always worried that if ex got in a new relationship I would be asked to stay away from her but thankfully it never happened.

I remarried at the beginning of last year however and it is MY new husband that wants me to break contact. He says its stupid that I'm so involved with her and insists that I should let her go. We had a big row over it and I turned to my mum for support. I expected her to agree with me and instead I got told:

"Well, actually...I wasn't going to say anything to you but we've all said its silly you still being so involved with her when she's not yours and you're not even together. Why don't you move on and concentrate on your own life now? and leave DSD to move on too?"

Am I really alone in this? I feel sick at the thought of telling her I can no longer be a part of her life. How cruel.

OP posts:

herbietea · 22/03/2009 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MIAonline · 22/03/2009 19:02

I think your Dh is being harsh to expect that after 7 years you would be willing to do this to DSD who would no doubt be heartbroken by someone she sees as her mum effectively leaving her. Your DH knew the situation when he married you and he needs to stop being selfish and to put your DSD first. He is probably jealous of the relationship and the link it somehow gives you to your ex but the needs of a 13 year old have to come first.

I would say no and say it is not up for anymore discussion, unless something has changed since you got married that he didn't know, which doesn't sound the case.

notquitenormal · 22/03/2009 19:04

My Mum and step-dad split up recently, and although it's a bit different because I'm an adult, if anyone suggested we not see him anymore I would think they were mental. He's been my dad for ages, you dont just stop.

If you've been the mother figure to your step-daughter for so long you cant stop seeing her. Especially not at 13. It's hard enough being 13 as it is.

ickletickle · 22/03/2009 19:04

yanbu. if the girl still wants to see you and needs your helps and support, than that should be the primary consideration, end of story.

Kimi · 22/03/2009 19:05

Please do not give in to these people. Keep your DSD in your life

Your new husband sounds insecure

TweetleBeetle · 22/03/2009 19:07

Your new DH is a dick - sorry but it had to be said. What a selfish prick. Good for you to still be in your DSD life and for your ex to be grown up enough to realsie that his DH still needs you as you are her mum.

I suggest you tell DH to grow up and stop being a brat. Am also shocked at your mum - does she not have feelings towards her DSGD.

I know that my steo dads family all regard me as a relative - in fact they and my DH familyhave been far moe welcoming than my own extended family.

Nabster · 22/03/2009 19:07

I don't see why you should give up seeing the child. It would make some of you very unhappy and for what? So some people without a big enough heart to see what you mean to each other.

Nabster · 22/03/2009 19:08

can get their own way

piscesmoon · 22/03/2009 19:10

YANBU but it is unfortunate that you didn't sort it out before you married. I think your new DH sounds insecure. I always put a DC first-ignore them all and carry on. I am surprised that your mother feels the way that she does-I would have thought that she would have developed her own grandmother relationship after all those years.

traceybath · 22/03/2009 19:11

Sorry but your DH and mum sound pretty mean and unfeeling.

Your dsd is not a toy - keep seeing her and being there for her.

AnyMothersDayFucker · 22/03/2009 19:15

carry on seeing her

you are to be applauded tbh

any 13 yo girl needs as many people who love her in their lives

as she goes further into her teens, she may want and need you as a mother figure, but as someone not connected to the rest of her family

your husband sounds insecure and selfish and frankly I am surprised at your mother-will she readily turn her back on this girl?

you do what feels best, 13 is a difficult age (I am speaking from experience here), please don't cut her loose

you may find it naturally happens in a few yrs anyway and she reaches adulthood and spreads her wings

or you might find, this relationship you have with her to be one of the most enduring and honest you ever have, because you choose it, not because you are randomly thrown together like many families are

oops, am a bit tearful now

piscesmoon · 22/03/2009 19:20

I am always surprised that it is assumed that you can't love a DC unless it is your own! You are very involved and then are supposed to cut the link as if it never mattered. I would tell your new DH that you wouldn't be the woman he married if he expects you to turn your back on her because you are no longer with her father. It is giving the wrong message to the girl and saying 'you aren't loveable in your own right-it was a duty that I don't have to fulfill any more'.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2009 19:21

You poor thing, you are right. If you were willing to not see her it would make a mockery of you being a mother figure to her for 7 years! You've made her feel she's important to you (because she is) do these people not see what message cutting her out of your life would send to her?!

nooka · 22/03/2009 19:34

This is very sad really, and I hope you get it sorted out. My mother never really bonded with my brother's step children, nor they us to be honest, and now he has split up from their mother (after 16 years) we really don't see dsn at all (sadly dsn died about three years ago). I think my brother would like to keep some sort of relationship going, but it is all a bit fraught. But it's one thing to let slip your own relationships, and another to cast aspersions on someone else's. I imagine that your relationship with your dsd is really between the two of you, and no business of anyone else's. Strange that your new husband thinks that getting married would change things, when splitting up with your dsd's dad didn't. It's a bit callous to suggest a thirteen year old should just "move on".

Phoenix4725 · 22/03/2009 20:01

good on you for keeping the bond going and think your dh needs to realise the realtionship is between your dsd and younot you and your xp.would he be saying it if was yours and your xp own child .I bet not

but am shocked at your mum hmmok maybe not my ex mil soon dropped my 2older kids after we divoiced hmm mind soon equalled up as she dropped younger 2 not long after.

ib · 22/03/2009 20:11

My mum married my sd when I was 5, split up with him when I was 15. He is still a huge part of my life and will continue to be for as long as we both live.

Both he and my mum remarried and neither new partner had an issue with it.

Please don't abandon your dsd. Neither she nor you deserve to go through that.

thirtysomething · 22/03/2009 20:14

YANBU - they are-very in fact!! They're both being selfish and expecting you to be too to pander to their own insecurities and ideas about how families work.

You have a relationship with this child - a very important one for both of you it seems - and to "drop" her now would be devestating for her.

It's not her fault you and her Dad are no longer together - maybe your Mum can't see it from her point of view at all but how will she feel if she's rejected and abandoned by two mothers?

It always amazes me how childish adults can be sometimes and not see the bigger picture. I have a stepdad and cannot imagine ever losing contact with him. i have a far stronger tie than I ever had with biological father. Stand up to them!!

CarGirl · 22/03/2009 20:15

WellInTongue carry on seeing your DSD parenthood is so much more about love rather than blood. The fact she isn't yours by blood is irrelevant for 7 years you have been her Mum and you both want to see each other. Point out to your DH that she will come in very handy as a babysitter in the future

2rebecca · 22/03/2009 22:49

If your exdsd wants to keep seeing you and her dad is happy with the situation then I wouldn't stop. I suspect things will gradually peter out between you as teenagers spend less time with any parent figures and more with their friends as they get older, but I think breaking off contact now would be cruel and unnecessary.
How often do you see her? Is she often at your house and the problem is that your husband doesn't get on with her and would like to do other stuff, or is it just that she's a reminder to him of your previous marriage.
I'm surprised you didn't discuss your ex stepdaughter's place in your life before you remarried, or is husband trying to renegotiate things?
Foster parents often keep contact with kids who no longer live with them and that isn't thought odd. This seems similar to me.

edam · 22/03/2009 22:55

Your dh and your mother are both very strange IMO. How DARE they tell you who you can and can't love?

Your new husband is supposedly an adult - he should be bloody ashamed of himself for being jealous of a child. As for your mother, how would she like it if you turned round and told her to sod off out of your life?

applepudding · 22/03/2009 23:02

YANBU of course you should continue to see your DSD.

You love her, she loves you.

Your DH is being really childish and insecure, and your mother unfeeling.

Tryharder · 23/03/2009 01:16

Bloody hell, an AIBU post where everyone is in agreement. Must be a first.

YANBU by the way.

SamJamsmum · 23/03/2009 06:54

I CAN'T believe that your mum and DH are spouting such nonsense.
Anyone with a brain can tell you that parenting is not just about biology but about care, love and a connection (ideally).
If she was a really good friend who had lived with you for several years your DH and mother would not DREAM of telling you that you couldn't see her. Why does she deserve such little respect and consideration because she is a child.
PLEEEEEEEASE don't let your DH win this one. This sets a very dangerous precedent in my opinion. This is not the call that he is entitled to make just because he is married to you.

alicet · 23/03/2009 08:28

Agree with everyone on here.

Your dh and mum are being selfish and childish to expect you not to maintain the relationship with your dsd - you are her MUM ffs! Tell them that it's not negotiable and to butt out

slightlycrumpled · 23/03/2009 08:39

yanbu!!! I am step mum to three children (all now teengaers) and there is no way I wouldn't want to be in their lives, and I like to think they view it the same way.

I agree with other posters, sadly your DH is probably insecure and could it be the contact with your ex husband that causes him distress rather than your step daughter?

I hope you get it sorted and have to say I think your mum is even worse really as presumably she has also been a part of your step daughters life? Sad all round really.

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