To think that the main reason dh doesn't want to learn how to use the sling is because he can't be arsed to effectively parent 2 children?

[raisingrrrl]

Dd was born 4 weeks ago and is pretty much a model baby - she sleeps well, she feeds like a dream and is the easiest baby I've ever come across. However, she does like to be held a lot and I've found that the simplest way to accomplish this and to achieve some sort of normal family life is to wear her in a wrap like this. If I have her in the sling, I can do all the things I did before she was born - including look after her big brother, who is 2.

Dh - on the other hand - seems to panic when faced with both of our offspring, and has yet to take them both out alone. He will look after ds in the mornings at the weekend so I can have a sleep with dd, but this is on the condition that he gets to have a nap later. When I get downstairs, usually he is sat on his laptop while ds either trashes the living room in front of him, or parked in front of CBeebies - or sometimes a combination of both. By contrast, while he is upstairs sleeping with ds I have (somehow) managed to do the washing up, tidy the living room and sweep the kitchen and dining room - all while looking after dd. How have I accomplished this? By having her tucked up on my chest in the wrap! Yet dh refuses to even try it and won't give a valid reason why not.

It's doing my head in that while I just have to get on and cope with 2 children he has the option to fanny about and whinge about how much he hates his job and how much harder his daily grind is to mine. While I don't deny that he works very hard in a job he hates, I don't exactly have a picnic all day either. I work much harder now doing fulltime childcare (although admittedly ds is in nursery 2.5 days a week) than I did when I was in paid employment! I can't wait to get back to work when dd is 12 months - it'll mean I get a break 3 days a week!

So - AIBU? Has anyone got any tips for how I can get dh to at least try taking care of both our children?

YABU. It has been four weeks. You have had the whole four weeks to get used to the two of them. I take it he has been at work so he hasn't. You are both adjusting to your new family in different ways.

Also, it is about a hundred times easier to do housework with a newborn in a sling than a destructive 2 year old who is untidying everything you are tidying, so no contest really.

And he doesn't want to wear a sling because he thinks he will look like a tit.

Not wanting to use a sling does not mean he doesn't want to be a parent.

YABU

Given that ds can;t yet reach the sink, I would think it's fairly easy to manage to do the fecking washing up!

I totally accept that I've had more time to get used to the pair of them than he has - but he's never going to get used to them if he doesn't even try, is he?!

And obviously, looking good is soooooo important when you have 2 kids (this is the bloke who went to work with toddler snot on his shoulder) - and it's doubly important in your own kitchen!

Nabs - I'm not saying he doesn't want to be a parent. I'm saying that him going, "I don't want to use the sling blah blah blah," is a really good excuse for him never needing to have both children on his own.

YABU, why not get up at the weekends and BOTH of you look after the dc and then when they nap you both nap?

Afterall parenting can be hard on all.

"Nabs - I'm not saying he doesn't want to be a parent. I'm saying that him going, "I don't want to use the sling blah blah blah," is a really good excuse for him never needing to have both children on his own. "

It is only an excuse if you let it be.

He can look after 2 children without needing to wear a sling. You need to find out why he doesn't want to wear it or what his plans are for having both kids.

OMG - i can't believe you all think I'm being unreasonable? What happened to female solidarity?!

sprogger - there's a lot of evidence that Baby Bjorns are really bad for baby's posture. Also, we had a similar one for ds and he hated it, as he was starfished in it IYSWIM. So I'm not going to spend out £30 odd on a new sling when the one we have is perfectly adequate. I'm not saying he has to go out on the high street with it - and it's not a bloody fashion show anyway - but wearing it round the house is surely not too much to ask?!

I'm sorry. nut I do think you are being a little unreasonable. I presume you have spent a lot more time with both children than he has. Obviously you're going to find it easier to cope with 2 at once, you've a huge amount more experience. Getting him to wear a sling will not solve the problem.

Start small, build it up - can he look after them while you work in the kitchen / garden .... whilst you pop out to the car to faff with car seats ..... whilst you pop to the shop for 1 item ..... for an hour .... for an afternoon (when one or both will be in bed for most of it) .... and so on.

why must he accept what YOU say is the best way to look after the kids?

Ca

Gosh. I clearly am being unreasonable. I've never had such an overwhelming YABU response from AIBU before!

Wriggle - some good ideas there, thank you.

I am overly hormonal and tired, in my defence!!

I think the issue is surely that he is not trying? Sitting on the laptop, sticking the tv on. He's not even trying with one child! Sorry all but I think the OP is not being unreasonable. It's not about being perfect, it's about making an effort.

Dh says that sometimes he has to stop himself, as we end up in the same situation as the OP, I am upstairs with DD (baby) in the morning and he is downstairs with DS (toddler) and he is doing what your DH does. He realised that he was spending all his time trying to avoid the parenting, distracting him with the tv, dashing back to the computer every minute he got, as some point he realised what he was doing and that it was harder work than just playing with DS.

It is hard to clean and tidy with a toddler but it is likely he is not pulling all the toys out just because "that's what they do" more likely he is trying to get attention because your DH is too busy with the computer to pay him any attention! If your DH got DS involved in what he was doing, it would be easier. It would take time, but be better all round.

As for looking after 2 of them, it is hard. I think it takes a while to get in the swing and you have had all this time most of the day to get used to it, while he is at work. Dh by his own admission feels a bit lost as to what to do with DD after getting used to dealing with DS as a toddler.

I would suggest that you should not suggest that he should be able to look after both of them as easily as you do, you have had more practice, however, if he isn't even being useful with DS, he probably doesn't want to use the sling as he would have no excuse for staring at the laptop all morning.

DH sees me wearing DD's in slings, and has doe for 3 years. He has only worn DD1 once, when she was a few weeks old, and has never carried either of them since in a wrap/mt/ring sling.
I asked him why he didn't want to and he said he just didn't feel comfortbable, and it felt a bit weird having them on him without him having to hold them.
he is happy to carry them and parent them both, however, even now DD1 is 3 and DD2 is 18 months he still is not happy to take them out together without me.
Don't get me wrong, he deos it, but he gets so wound up. I know their triggers and how to defuse them, I know their foibles inside out as I am with them 24/7. he is at work, so although he is a fabulous father he finds it a lot harder than I do.
So I think, in answer to the qusiton posed by your title, YABU, that probably isn't the main reason he doesn't want ot wear them, some people dont like slings!

Sorry for rambling

Look two kids is hard and I remember harbouring similar feelings to yours (and still do at times.)

But nagging gets you nowhere so why not just tell him what you want him to do but accept the sling isn't his thing.

If your two-year-old watching TV bugs you why not suggest he takes him to the park or builds with Duplo or something.

But you've got to accept that he is entitled to a rest too at weekends - sometimes a bit of tea and sympathy (you look tired,thanks for taking DS to the park, why don't you have a lie down) goes a long way!

Yay! I heart you, Pfft!

You have hit the nail on the head, actually. He isn't trying with ds, he's just ignoring him for large portions of the time.

OTOH i should focus on what he does do, rather than what he doesn't. He did make breakfast and do some shopping this morning. And he did find me a rather wonderful Mother's day pressie - but he did fuck up my birthday rather spectacularly!

I guess as dh's and fathers go he's ok, i just get annoyed with him not being able to do what i do. I mean, I can manage to be in paid employment (when not on mat leave) so why can't he manage to do all the child/house related stuff i do? I mean, i can't be that great, can I?

JB - we had a Premaxx Baby bag for ds which he was happy to use, but I've since found out that they can be very dangerous for newborns and asked him not to use it. He then got very stroppy when I suggested using the wrap instead, as in his head he had a sling he was perfectly happy using. I got annoyed with him that he would continue to use a sling which was dangerous!!

It's not just the sling though - he refuses to use the double buggy too!

YAdefinitelyNBU!!!! I'm on your side all the way through!

and today is really the day to answer this question in the foul mood I'm in with dh for these very same reasons.

DD2 is 1 next month. to this day dh has still not had the full day on his own with them. (occasional few hours yes, all day at MIL yes twice after arguing) but not the full shaboodle (sp?).
this results in him not understanding/pretending not to understand how little time for myself I have, how time and energy consuming it is to look after the children, the house, the meals, the paperwork etc. this caused problems in the long run. the problem is already there with one child: like you said when you look after one child you do other things, he doesn't. we should do the same and sit on the sofa as well. with two children it gets worse. for example me going to see my father (abroad) = holiday (eventhough I have both children at all times and no friends) and him staying behind the whole weekend on his own = a victim. him going to see his mum with both children for the day = hard graft and me staying behind by myself = holiday.

put your foot down now otherwise it won't get better and you'll be taken so for granted that your dh will forget mother's day. yes it is I know.

for my part I've decided to do a lot less and I am afraid I'm going on strike again. I've had enough.

btw my dh is great as well. that's why I'm saying this to you (would have left him otherwise)... if you let them get used to it they take advantage.

raisin, I think that it is very easy to expect things to be done at the level that you do them, I know I did. You get into the swing of things at home, you learn to manage running the house, keeping it clean, cooking dinner and entertaining 2 children all the time. I think it is easy to forget that it took a while to get the hang of that.

Of course, I'm not sure that there are many people who would like to admit that they have no idea how to juggle it all and end up pretending that they are doing a great job and you are being irrational!

Personally, if I were you (and I am) I would concentrate on getting him to spend some decent time with DS. DS will actually care about this. It would be nice if he took both of them, but one thing at a time. Suggest he takes DS out. DH never knew where to take him, so I would make some suggestions of cheap and easy things to do. This means you get an empty house, Ds gets some quality time with his dad and hopefully, your DH will realise how it can be fun, not just a bit of a drag spending time with your DS.

Personally, I found that there was no point in shouting, once DH had accepted what he was doing with DS, it went down the "i know, it's awful, what can I do" route, he needed guidance in how to change his behaviour. It can be hard I think, switching into "family mode"...

Slings I find are quite a pain - they just aren't made for men to wear. I can never do it up in the correct place. Luckly babies get bigger and by the age of 1 will fit in a backpack... I love my LittleLife Voyager .

Not using the double buggy is an issue though - is he objecting to pushing a buggy? I've pushed many a double buggy over the years.

Is there a local park he can walk to with the children? Maybe he just doesn't know where he can go. Maybe he is worried about feeding your DD - are you expressing any milk so that he can do some of the feeds?

He made breakfast - that's a start.
He went shopping - did he take a list? Did he take DS? Going on a Boys shopping trip could be fun... though expect them to look at all the laptops, tv's etc at Tesco before they actually buy any food!

I agree with getting him to spend quality time with DS... doing things DS wants to do. Splashing in muddy puddles in the woods for example. Trips out on a train/bus/AnyModeOfTransport. Going window shopping for the latest electronic gadgets.

Why is the Premax babybag dangerous?
I have been given one but never used it!

he'll learn. dealing with two kids is a huge deal, and men panic. plus, men and newborns, in my experience, don't mix well.

keep dd tucked in with you for as long as you can, and do not expect your dh to do the impossible- it sounds like he's helping out already, try to build it up gradually.

dd2 is 10 months and only over the last month or so have i been able to leave them both with him for any length of time...

I'm amazed that some men find caring for children so hard. I really don't find it that hard. Mind you, I do it as a job these days, so maybe I've just had so much experience of various children that nothing phases me these days. Why do some men panic? Babies really don't do much - it gets a lot harder when they get older!

Hi BS, sorry but I don;t agree with 'do not expect your dh to do the impossible'. if it is not impossible for me/us why should it be impossible for him/them. I agree it takes time to grasp it but if you never do it...

and sorry but I do not mix well with newborns (meaning I much enjoy a more responsive grown up stage) but still have to do it. after all is both our child.

I think that the more we adopt this mentality of the 'poor them it is very hard' (and as you've read I'm guilty of it too) it will just get worse. for once you'll learn to do everything and everything with two children leaving no scope for help or sympathy and they'll feel too inadequate and useless. I do not understand why cannot both parties learn at the same time more or less - onviously given the more time spent at work.