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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DP shuold realise that mother's day applies to me now?

55 replies

namechangerforareason · 21/03/2009 13:38

Aaarrggh!

Background: after TTC for 8 years had a beautiful boy in November, never ever thought it would happen so both over the moon.

Went to my Mums today to see her so I could spend my first mothers day with DP and DS, just asked DP what his plans were re his mum, he said he was going up there tomorrow with DS so she can spend mothers day with them both and it shouldnt be a problem as my mum has seen DS this weekend!

My DPs mum is a witch, a horrible horrible person who tries to put me down constantly, to the extent that DP has spoken to her about it and he even screens his calls so he doesnt need to speak to her. However he does give her her place and visits on occasion and always at special times of the year.

He hasnt mentioned that its my first mothers day and when I asked jokingly if I could spend time with our son on mothers day he replied that I have him all week he thought I might like a break! I just laughed and thought he was joking but he is serious. Im really hurt he hasnt remembered even though last year when I was pregnant he got a fathers day card and gift from the bump!

I have told him its my mothers day too but he just cant seem to realise what that means, I even asked DS when DP was here if he had got mummy a card for mothers day but still nothing!

AIBU to expect that he realises or even the witch in law asks what his plans are for me?

Regular but name changed for this.

OP posts:
solowitch · 21/03/2009 14:26

Confuzzeled, it isn't that you should expect anything for 'being' a mum. It should go without saying(especially if you have a partner/husband that lives with you and you Dc's)that a day when everyone involved realises that it's a special day where all mums are thought of and appreciated and what life may be like if you/they weren't in their/your lives for whatever reason should be recognised.
My best friend lost her mum in December and I know that she will feel very empty tomorrow when she visits her grave...she also has no children or even step children, so it will be very hard.

I just think that every mum should be remembered. It doesn't take much IMO.

salome64 · 21/03/2009 14:28

My ds spends every weekend with his father. I have never had mothers day with him. I guess I could force the issue, but why bother? maintaining their relationship is more important.

but do always feel a little sad.

nannyL · 21/03/2009 14:46

YANBU

FfreckleFface · 21/03/2009 14:46

Solo, your idea seems a little, um, desperate to me.

Little Ff is 13 months old. Last year I don't think either of us even realised it was mother's day, so sleep deprived and generally overwhelmed were we. This year Bloke is in Afghanistan. If I get a card, great, if I don't, I am still Ff's mother, and the way she starts to bounce up and down and rattle the cot bars when she sees me every morning is worth more to me than any mass produced card, bearing an often cheesy and vomit-inducing message.

I personally wouldn't want a present I had to demand, or enlist the help of others to elicit.

clam · 21/03/2009 14:50

It pisses me off when people (guess I mean men) take the line of "well, you're not my mother." Well, obviously not. But the point is that, whilst the DCs are too young to get themselves down to Hallmark/Interflora/petrol station, or to make breakfast in bed, then it's the other adult who needs to do this on their behalf. My kids are now 10 and 12 and DH has just flown off on business for the week. He has nonetheless (so my antennae tell me) got them organised on the shopping front, instigated lunch out for us (as he won't be here to cook it), and presented me with a fab bouquet (from him to the mother of his kids) before he left for the airport. In return, I've just been up to the cemetery to weed and leave flowers at his mum's grave as he can't. Technically, she wasn't my mum, but who's quibbling? I loved her very much.
It's just about showing care and thought, isn't it?

Kimi · 21/03/2009 14:55

Your DP is being a wanker, by all means he should go see his mother if he wants to but YOUR child should stay with HIS mother on mothers day.. Don't let him take the baby to his mums.

totalmisfit · 21/03/2009 15:07

why does he get the final say over where your LO spends the day? Put your foot down, plan what you and your child are going to do and he can lump it.

PlumBumMum · 21/03/2009 15:19

How do you know your dh hasn't got a really nice surprise waiting for you tomorrow?

And it wouldn't be a surprise if he told you

Uriel · 21/03/2009 15:29

That's lovely, clam.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/03/2009 15:33

i think it is nice for your dh to take your son and give you some time for you to have a bath/read a book/pamper time etc, but if you are not happy with this then

the best solution would be for you to go to mil with dh and ds, i know you dont get on after 12years but maybe you can offer an olive branch - you have given her a grandchild and for his sake, maybe you can try and get on

go and stay for the morning/maybe lunch and then have the pm as a family of 3

hopefully dh has got you a card from ds

smallorange · 21/03/2009 15:36

DP is cooking his mother Sunday lunch tomorrow.

I have asked if we can go and eat chococlate cake at a cafe beforehand and he didn't dare refuse!

Don't be a martyr.

solowitch · 21/03/2009 15:37

Ff, yes maybe, but some of us are more sensitive than others. Some of us just know that our OH's(if we have one)are thoughtless/insensitive/too busy ~ whatever and need a nudge. IMO, it's not much good waiting to see(especially in the OP's case)if anything nice materialises for you tomorrow as Monday will be too late and OP will be upset if nothing does.
IME, When it takes you a long time to conceive, carry and give birth to a live baby(it took me 14 years)it does need to be recognised when you get to MD, especially your first one. It hurts when you don't get given the time of day.

spongebrainbigpants · 21/03/2009 16:09

freckleface, I don't think it's about the card/present, it's about time - the most important thing for me tomorrow is that I spend the day with my dh and our gorgeous little boy who we never thought we'd have.

That's what matters .

ShortButNotSweet · 21/03/2009 16:25

How come the general consensus seems to be that this OP is not being unreasonable and this one was?

Does the response you get on AIBU depend more on who you are than what you say? (have wondered this for a while TBH).

OP - YABU.

100yearsofsolitude · 21/03/2009 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confuzzeled · 21/03/2009 17:10

ShoertButNotSweet, it's the time of day you post I think makes a difference. Perhaps the people who are on at night need a good rant and take it out on mn

TrillianAstra · 21/03/2009 17:21

ShortButNotSweet - I think it was because the other one sounded like a bit of a princess, the thread title ('REALLY spoil me') put people's back up.

Does anyone else think that this thread is (as uaual) not about Mother's Day itself but about not getting on with MIL?

OP: would you be so against DP's plan if you thought MIL was okay? It sounds like he is trying to do something ncie for you. If it's not exactly the sort of 'treat' that you would prefer then maybe it would be better to say to him in advance 'I would really like to spend my first Mother's Day in X manner' rather than just asking what he was going to do about his mother on the day before.

Jux · 21/03/2009 17:22

ShotButNotSweet, I suspect part of it is because the MIL on the other thread was just recovering from lung cancer and because that OP had expected a 'birthing present' and hadn't got one, so that her dh 'owed her big time'. Slightly different attitude.

FfreckleFface · 21/03/2009 17:55

I do understand that it is amazing that you get to celebrate MD, Solowitch and spongebrain (are you the OP?), and I'm really happy for you both.

What puzzles me is all the effort to make sure that someone else does their best to make the day special for you. Everyday is Mother's Day, as far as I am concerned (vomits at hideous use of cliche, but felt it was necessary.). I don't need to be told my efforts are appreciated, I just know, and that goes for Bloke and Ff.

He won't be there ALL DAY, surely. An afternoon treat, maybe, and then a nice dinner once the baby is in bed?

Triggles · 21/03/2009 18:11

Sorry, but I think YABU. Sounds like he felt he was giving you a much deserved break, visiting his own mother with LO, and not expecting you to go along and deal with her as you two obviously have issues. He probably thought he had come up with the ideal solution. Instead you whinge that it isn't enough. Assuming he isn't a mind reader, and since you state you waited until NOW to bring it up - YABU. It's a shame you can't just take it at face value, and enjoy the free time during the day to soak in the bath, go on a nice little shop, or just relax a bit.

And it does seem like those that resent their partners visiting MIL on Mother's Day are almost exclusively those that do not get along with MIL.

wabbit · 21/03/2009 18:28

I dunno - we just take it on the chin don't we? i'm sure you'll get brekky in bed and all that stuff - I spent my first mother's day with ds in hospital worried sick that he was going to have to have a spinal tap... and dp brought me an...

wait for it

...
...
...

OVEN GLOVE (brown with white piping)

LemonTea · 21/03/2009 18:31

I think YABU. You should enjoy the time off without getting all wound up about it and insist on a special day with your DS and DH when it is your birthday and your DH can spoil you without getting anyones back up.

After all - originally it was a day for going back to your Mother Church, and if you have to insist on being spoilt, is it really worth it?? I think you should get things in perspective a bit.

subtlemouse · 21/03/2009 18:51

On the whole I think we should all ignore Mother's Day. It was a day off for servants to go home (once a year). Nothing to do with babies, DHs, lie-ins, breakfast in bed, cards and flowers. Unless you happen to be a servant, of course...

If there is no spontaneity, it is just another day for unnecessary guilt and bad feeling.

Original poster
namechangerforareason · 21/03/2009 19:20

Im not looking to be spoiled, just have it recognised its mothers day and a card would be nice.
DP doesnt like his own mum so not a MIL only issue, she is just not a nice person, was never there for DP and everything has to be about her. she still has not referred to DS by his name as it wasnt on her OK list for names to call him!
I had mentioned it to him last week and he just shrugged and said its only another day. if I hadnt ordered card and organised gift for MIL then she wouldnt have anything for tomorrow either, I just would like my first MD to be spent with my son without me having to go to her house to be told im doing everything wrong like putting him on his back feet to foot to sleep as that wasnt how she did it 33 years ago!
Its taken me so long to be a mum that everyday feels so special but a card at least would be nice! He just doesnt think sometimes.

thanks to all for replies, all taken on board!
x

OP posts:
ilovesweets · 21/03/2009 20:07

YANBU

I can't believe those who say you should practically be grateful that you wont see your DS on Mothers Day!

It would be different if your DP had asked you what you wanted to do on Mothers Day and you'd said "A day to myself without the LO".

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