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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to be accepted

50 replies

Aeschylus · 20/03/2009 22:56

Bit of a rant incoming....

I am a SAHD, by choice I had a resonably paid job in I.T.

However when DW was pregnant she was on around 8K more a year than me, plus better benefits etc so we both agreed it made a lot of sense.

I appreciate SAHD are in the minority, but OH MY GOD, the way others react is just shocking.

let me give you what has happened since we had DS.

I start a chat with a person, eventually the conversation will go..

person" so what do you do for a living" me " I look after my son full time" person " so your unemployed then" me "no I gave up work" person " so you got made redundant?"

GRRRR why is it so inconceviable that I like to look after DS.

however this is not the worst, and this next bit is what made me give up wanting to try.

I want to socialise with DS and other parents etc, yet everytime I go to a group I am looked on like a pervert, nobody excepts group runner will speak to me, the ladies whisper, I can see I make them feel uncomfortable, when they all arrrange to go for coffee I get excluded, and it is so blantant.

I like a gossip too

I feel completeley isolated. my DW always says ignore them, but it is hard, I have feelings.

I go to one group called baby signing, on my first week there, I felt there was some nasty undertones, anyway 4 off them would not come back, I offered to leave, but the tutor was adament it was their problem, but now some weeks it is only me there, I feel crap, I cant help feeling the tutor would not be sorry if I left.

I aksed her once why they were so unaccepting, she said it was more likely their partners would not be happy with them socialising with a man

is it really that bad, is there any point me going to groups just to be looked on like a leper.

be honest would you accept a man in your toddler groups, and would you be happy to meet for coffee etc.

OP posts:

spicemonster · 20/03/2009 22:59

Oh dear I'm so sorry to hear you've met such small-minded people

I know that my friend had a similar situation when he was looking after his kids though. I don't know what to suggest - hopefully there will be someone along soon with some good ideas.

But not remotely unreasonable, no.

cherryblossoms · 20/03/2009 22:59

Yes, and have.

But ... I have found that the SAHD I've known, if they weren't already close friends have tended to "vanish". So I think you may have a point there.

JeanPoole · 20/03/2009 22:59

where do you live?

thats what my mother said to me when i did not return to work afetr mat leave, so now your offically unemployed then?

Jajas · 20/03/2009 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherryblossoms · 20/03/2009 23:01

I live in London, btw. I think (and I'm a mum, not a dad, so I don't know,) it's easier in a big city.

Spero · 20/03/2009 23:01

That is horrifying! I would have been delighted if there had been men at my toddler groups, i think it is great for children to be exposed to all sorts of dynamics. Especially when nurseries/primary schools seem to be almost entirely men free zones.

bringonthetrumpets · 20/03/2009 23:01

i read your post and couldn't not reply.

i think it's very admirable that you're a sahd! also very admirable that you have the confidence to go to groups as i'm sure there are a lot of other dads out there who wouldn't go. i wouldn't be opposed to having a dad in my toddler groups or for meeting up for coffee. would probably be a nice change of atmosphere because some mums can be so harsh on one another and things can be a bit catty at times.

it's really sad that the other mum's dps aren't confident enough to "allow" their wives to socialise with other parents.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 20/03/2009 23:02

Blimey O'Reilly - your post has made me really sad. Is this really where we are still at in the 21st century?
Rest assured, although I am beyond toddler groups now, any toddler groups I ever went to, we went out of our way to be welcoming to Dads who came along, recognising that it was difficult for them. I have loads of male friends and doubt my DH would raise an eyebrow at me meeting a Dad for coffee.
You're in with a bad crowd mate.
Toddler groups are hell anyway, even for us women.
Whereabouts do you live? Maybe there are MNers you can link up with.

ShadowOfBlueTiger · 20/03/2009 23:04

Do you live in London?

There is a group of sahd's who have their own meetings and coffee mornings at eachothers houses.

You might find you fit better in with them, and I bet they started their own group exactly due to problems you face also.
How to find them is another matter. I knew one of them, briefly. His wife is a lawyer, he is a sahd of 2. They live in SW15.

Try google and see if you can find. They dont all live in that area, though.

FatFree · 20/03/2009 23:04

I know its not ideal, but maybe you could find some dads only sessions. Our local nursery has a family centre and has drop ins for all, for childminders and for dads.

I find it incredibly ridiculous in this day and age that women can act this way. I'd have loved a bloke to gossip with when my kids were younger, not least so i could whinge about my OH to them, and ask for solutions

cthea · 20/03/2009 23:06

Are your expectations of socialising realistic, though? I've been to playgroups for 2 years, weekly, I never once went for a coffee afterwards. Same with sing & sign group. I think we make out that people are having these fanatastic times together when in fact they are just shy. Anyhow, why would you go for a coffee with people you don't speak to during the group? Or if you do speak to them then invite yourself along.

As for the husbands who'd get jealous comment, words fail me. Do women still luve in such backwards relationships?

(I'm assuming your post is for real here.)

bubblerock · 20/03/2009 23:07

That's ridiculous - I can't believe the way you are being treated! Surely it's not that unusual in this day and age. I must admit though, my DS has made friends with a little boy at school and his Dad always does the school run so we end up chatting every morning and have a great deal in common but I do feel that we are being watched and maybe I am being preceived as a flirt (even though we just chat like mums do)

Original poster

Aeschylus · 20/03/2009 23:08

I think my location is the problem I live in a quiet town in Norfolk. when I spoke to the health visitor, she said she did not know of any SAHD in her area, so I fear me and DS are going to be left on the shelf.

I am taking him to a swimming fun for pre-school on monday in a tiny villiage called Bircham, I bet the mums freak out, and I end up not going again

OP posts:

ShadowOfBlueTiger · 20/03/2009 23:10

I cant believe I am saying this: Just make a point of mentioning your wife.

Shame it is so backward.

JeanPoole · 20/03/2009 23:11

your not in my area, but we got to swimming everyweek and theres loads of dads there.

i was having an interesting chat with a dad today in the drs he had a 6 month old baby girl.

Original poster

Aeschylus · 20/03/2009 23:11

@ cthea, that was the group leader who said erhaps their partners would not accept it, I dont know for fact that is the reason.

however the coffee defo was, one ;ady went round and took their phone numbers except mine it was so obvious, I felt so uncomfortable

OP posts:

ShadowOfBlueTiger · 20/03/2009 23:11

However, I never made friends with anybody at any baby groups. The only friends I made where with the other women at my NCT ante natal classes.

JeanPoole · 20/03/2009 23:13

you could put an ad in your local shop paper for sah friends wanted

MollieO · 20/03/2009 23:15

That is terrible. I know a few stay at home dads although they have school age children and I think that the socialising might be easier at that age.

I never made any friends when I did playgroups and other activities with my ds. I did make friends at nursery and definitely at school. I would perservere though. I used to feel very uncomfortable at those things (and I'm female!) but carried on going as I knew my ds enjoyed them.

Cadelaide · 20/03/2009 23:16

A solitary Dad used to come to the toddler group I went to. I really wanted to talk to him and tell him I thought he was brave (for going), but something held me back. Maybe I thought the others would think I was chatting him up? All very small-town, I'm afraid. I really don't think they see you as a "pervert".

I found toddler groups etc a bit excruciating, still do and I'm on DC3. I'm a bit shy I guess, like most people, and they all appear to have their established cliques don't they? Do keep going, they'll thaw eventually. You may have to grow a thick skin in the meantime.

hannahlouhoo · 20/03/2009 23:17

Thats so , i really feel for you, please dont give up.

I would not freak out if a dad got in our local pool with dc.

We have dads in all the classes I go too.

Please keep trying you sound like a great dad.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 20/03/2009 23:19

"I like a gossip too" - oh bless you!
I don't know what to suggest as I never went to toddler group but I'd never have a problem with a man joining in at all and can't see why anyone would. It's very unfair on you

Cadelaide · 20/03/2009 23:20

You don't smell do you?

Just a thought.

flockwallpaper · 20/03/2009 23:23

You're not unreasonable at all. My husband won't go to the local baby clinic to the weighing sessions because mums have made him uncomfortable (dirty looks, won't talk to him, etc) so I understand where you are coming from.

Some local NCT branches have groups for Dads - they go to the park with the kids and for coffee, and for a night out once a month - my husband gets quite a lot out of these. Have a look at this link, you can type in your town or postcode to find if there is a branch in your area:

www.nctpregnancyandbabycare.com/in-your-area/branch-finder

I know it is sidestepping the real issue to go to events organised just for Dads but it might at least improve your social life.

doobry · 20/03/2009 23:25

That's such a shame. The toddler group and swimming sessions I take my youngest to both have Dads there regularly. I really don't know what to suggest though, other than the old chestnut of inviting people round to yours for coffee to break the ice?

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