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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit miffed at DH's reaction when I'm trying to better myself and earn money?

32 replies

Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:07

The story goes: I've been doing quite well in recent years as a copywriter and trade journalist but work has recently dried up.

I'm taking this opportunity to look into different avenues for earning money, so, for a bit of fun and to help me keep my writing up, I'm in the process or writing a short story that I intend to send into magazines in the hope they'll publish it for a small fee.

I'm really happy with my story; in fact I think it's rather good. I'm not expecting anything great from this new venture, but if I could get something published then I'd be breaking open the champagne. When DH came in and I told him what I was doing he just laughed in my face and said 'what you think you're a writer now?' I replied by saying, 'well I AM a copywriter' and felt a bit silly. Then he made a snide comment about me thinking I'm some kind of novelist.

I know he's worried that I'm spending time on this and not doing my usual paid for work, but I've been looking for new business and have got some irons in the fire - though we're still really skint. Am I right to be a little bit peed off at his lack of support? I don't think so, but I'd love someone to help explain why he has this attitude.

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 19/03/2009 15:09

it's a nasty attitude, why shouldn't you develop your writing into new areas? have you asked him why he is being such a twat?

doggiesayswoof · 19/03/2009 15:11

He sounds v insecure.

Original poster
Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:11

I didn't ask him. He made me feel a bit stupid. I do think I'm going to go out and asking though. He's outside digging up a tree.

OP posts:
RumourOfAHurricane · 19/03/2009 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nekabu · 19/03/2009 15:12

I know a few people who have sold short stories to magazines and it's a welcome addition to their income. Nothing wrong with a bit of extra cash and if you're doing that and your usual work, what's his problem?!

Original poster
Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:12

Do you reckon it is insecurity? I don't think my DH has it in him to feel insecure. He's unbelievably straight forward.

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 19/03/2009 15:14

Horrible.

I would imagine that he would like to be a writer, or something else creative, but has a voice in his head (parental? personal?) that says exactly what he said to you - and as a result he is doing a job he doesn't love in the same way.

the only thing is - exactly how skint are you? if the bailiffs are pounding on the door then YABU but to a certain extent it would explain why he is BU.

choosyfloosy · 19/03/2009 15:14

oh darn, I mean YANBU but to a certain extent it would explain why he is BU

MorrisZapp · 19/03/2009 15:14

Ooh this happened on Desperate Housewives last night. The kindly handyman retrieved the manuscript from the bin and the rest was history!

I'd love to be a published writer - maybe your DH is a bit envious too?

Be sure to spend the extra money on yourself

Original poster
Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:17

Shineon; thanks for the advice. I will look into it. He is usually this dismissive about everything I do. He eats a meal I cook him every night, but he'll NEVER ever say that I'm a good cook. I asked him why the other day and he said it's so I feel like I have to keep up trying to improve. He thinks that's funny. When we were having a discussion about why we got married one day I asked him to say one thing about why he married me and he couldn't come up with one thing! I then said I'll ask you again in a week's time. Four years later he still hasn't come up with a reason why he married me.

Nekabu; great to hear you know of some successes. Thanks for the vote of confidence!

OP posts:
choosyfloosy · 19/03/2009 15:22

Sweet God almighty spaceman.

What was his upbringing like?

he's probably nicer than he sounds [scrapes barrel]

Do you keep up the effort to improve in the never-ending search for approval, or do you serve up watery mash and value sausages every night because it makes no difference?

Hey, can you start a blog? - call it something like 'Living Without Approval'. You never know, there might be a book in it...

Original poster
Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:23

He's reading it now. I'll let you know what he thinks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spaceman · 19/03/2009 15:24

Hi Choosy;

That's brill! I don't need his approval. I know I'm better than him. Luckily I have a high self esteem most of the time...

OP posts:
duchesse · 19/03/2009 15:24

You stick to your guns spaceman- he'll laughing on the other side of his face when your stories are buying the jam, and even more on the other side of his face when you make millions and run off with a toy boy. YANBU, he is being negative. The question is, why? Ignore him anyway.

OhBling · 19/03/2009 15:27

The absolutely only reason I can think of that his comment might even vaguelly be okay (and even then I'm not convinced) would be if you were swanning around writing short stories while entirely ignoring already paying work while you're both skint.

But even then, I'd expect him to say "DW, I think it's fantastic you're doing this but how can I help you find time to do this without eating into time usually spent on earning money for the family".

You sound very strong. I'd be a bit irritated by now.

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 19/03/2009 15:29

He's a twat.

You're clearly nice.

Do the math.

ilovesweets · 19/03/2009 15:32

Assss-hoooole!

My DH can be a bit like this. It's "only" shoving meat in the oven if I have made a cottage pie for example. It's "only" a bit of tidying round if I've scrubbed the house.

When he said "what you think you're a writer now", that should not have been dignified by a response except perhaps, p* off.

duchesse · 19/03/2009 15:34

I've got a better idea- write him and his attitude into your next story. Worked for Iris Murdoch to write about her circle...

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 19/03/2009 15:34

perhaps this as a response:

"Well I appear to have written something, by the way you're cock is too small". Deadpan.

JeanPoole · 19/03/2009 15:36

it's a weird attitude some people do have that if they acknowledge something or heaven forbid say thanks, you will get complacent and think oh i don't have to bother now.

they forget though that without recognising what people do, they will eventually think fuck it.

i think you need serious chat with him.

JeanPoole · 19/03/2009 15:39

actually you could, serve up watery mash and value sausages every night, and see if he says anything then lol

although game playing in marriage is aa recipe for disaster imo

Tortington · 19/03/2009 15:42

he sounds like a twat. why do you want to spent time wit this emotional retard?

Jux · 19/03/2009 15:48

I cook for my family every night. My dh always says thank you, always. If I've done a new dish then we might have a discussion about it - too salty, maybe a bit of chilli would be good etc, but I usually instigate it.

If no one said anything about my food I wouldn't bother. Give him beans on toast; if he can't be bothered then why should you? He sounds really mean.

Sfendona · 19/03/2009 15:49

If you dont try you will never know. Thats my motto. Yes you might not get any money at all or you might make a fortune. Unless you try you will not know.
And let us know if you get money, we ll have a champagne here

Now as for your DH being straight forward doesnt mean he cant be insecure. His 'confidence' can be fake.

How is he with other people? Maybe he is 'confident' only with you because he can.

Also that comment about your cooking as well as the issue about the writting brings something in my mind. Check the 'passive-aggresive personality' and see if he ticks the other boxes too.

Please dont let him hold you back (been there, done that)

drlove8 · 19/03/2009 15:55

I wouldnt go s far as to serve up anything - just smile and say "your dinners in tesco's". Keep at it, we will give you all te encouragement you need! ... if JK ROWLING started writing in a notebook in a cafe....... look at how well she's done. your dh sounds -ous of your talent .....bet you he changes his tune when you publish and the cash rolls in!