Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Driving question, DH and I fell out last night over this.

40 replies

Confuzzeled · 19/03/2009 08:53

We went to a friends house last night with my dd. I'm pregnant and dh decided he would drink so I had to drive home. I said we couldn't be late and I was tired, dd slept in her buggy but I didn't want to be out too late with her. At 9.45 I said we should be heading home but he didn't start moving until 10.30.

When we got in the car he asked if I was okay, I said I was tired and I had a sore tummy. I also said again how much I hate driving at night, I'd rather drive in rush hour traffic than at night.

I tend to think out loud when I'm driving, and dh was getting annoyed because he thought I was talking to him. He's a bit of a back seat driver and it was annoying me too.

So we're on this one stretch of road thats really wide, it has a bus lane and a normal lane. It's really long and straight and people do go along it faster than 30mph even though it's a 30 road. The bus lane becomes a normal lane at points just before junctions turning left. At this time of night you are aloud to use the bus lanes, but nobody does because taxi's use them and they tend to get angry as they think they're lanes just for them. At the end of the road the bus lane turns into a normal lane that is clearly marked to turn left only. The right hand normal lane goes straight on or right.

I'm just going along the normal lane at 30mph when this car comes up behind me. My dh says I should move into the bus lane to let the person behind me go past. I say that I need to stay in this lane as I'm going straight on and I'm not going in and out of lanes quickly because someone behind me wants to break the law. I think what if the person behind just trundles along at the same speed and I get stuck in the bus lane and end up having to turn left. So I stay in my lane and at the end of the road the car behind me goes into the left hand lane but instead of turning left, he undertakes me and forces me into the right hand lane of the road we go onto. I want to be in the left hand lane so I say out loud "What is this idiot doing?". My dh shouts " JUST SHUT UP and get on with driving". I manage to get into the left hand lane and get home. At home we have a huge row because he thinks I should have moved into the bus lane to let the guy past.

I think I was right and he thinks he was.

Was I being unreasonable? I don't think so but as this has caused an fight I'm open to hearing what others think. I'm big enough to admit if I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 19/03/2009 08:55

I think that whomever has the wheel is automatically right and everyone else in the car should just shut the f*ck up. Seriously, you were driving, you should be allowed to drive the way you want without being yelled at.

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 19/03/2009 08:55

Unless they were a police car / ambulance / fire engine you shouldn't move over just because some jackass is speeding.

potatofactory · 19/03/2009 08:56

NO, you were right. Sorry, but your dh sounds drunk and aggressive. Men are idiots when it comes to driving. I doubt it was a woman behind you.

Longtalljosie · 19/03/2009 08:58

No, you weren't wrong. Often, if there is an aggressive driver it's not a bad idea to let them bugger off - and I can see why your DH would have done that - but you were the driver. It doesn't matter what he would have done.

Tell him next time, he can drive. But if he wants the luxury of avoiding being the designated driver, he'll have to learn to button it.

Cicatrice · 19/03/2009 09:01

If you're driving, its your decision.

I wouldn't dream of criticising my DH's driving and I would expect the same courtesy.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2009 09:03

"I think that whomever has the wheel is automatically right"

I agree with Tee2072: unless the person driving is speeding, is going through red lights, has a bicycle in their blind spot that they are about to hit, or is going the wrong way - then the passenger is allowed to say something.

Please note: alternative routes don't count as 'going the wrong way'.

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 19/03/2009 09:11

Good, okay I'm feeling more justified now.

Dh is still in bed but we'll be sorting this out later.

OP posts:
VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 19/03/2009 09:23

I would have just moved over and let the tosspot driver behind you go past, its not worth the road range imo

As for you and your dh, he was drunk and you were tired, i dont think you were in the wrong, but i dont think your dh was wrong either as i would have done the same as him and just moved over. Today is a new, is it really worth carrying on the argument?

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2009 09:23

If I were you I wouldn't bring up the specific issues from last night, just say that if he wants to drink and therefore for you to drive he should let you get on with the driving and not criticise, and that when he is driving you will agree not to criticise his driving either.

tattifer · 19/03/2009 09:23

I had to smile at this one - Dh and me have only ever rowed in the car. Weird. You were right Confuzzled. The only time you should pull over or get out of the way for the car behind who wants to speed past is when it's an ambulance, police or fire vehicle or when you're slower than the cars behind you in the fast lane of a motorway.

You have every right to report the driver for dangerous or aggressive driving. It wont go anywhere, at best they'll put observation message out for the day the call comes in then close the log. oh well.

Next time take a taxi - should keep you DH quiet!

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 19/03/2009 09:24

Today is a new day is what i should have said

specialmagiclady · 19/03/2009 09:27

I always slow RIGHT DOWN when someone's driving up my arse. It's naughty, but it makes me happy!

tattifer · 19/03/2009 09:29

specialmagiclady ha ha, so do I! Naughty but fun. If they're right up my a**e I put the hazards on for a second - looks like brake lights...

Original poster
Confuzzeled · 19/03/2009 09:39

Frankly all I want is an appology for being spoken to like that. I wasn't angry with him for telling me to move lanes originally (cheeky but not enough to fight about). I got angry when he told me to shut up and that sparked it off.

I hate going to bed on an argument and would've liked to have sorted this last night. But dh needs time to calm down and he's going to be feeling fragile today.

It's a shame as I'm going to feel nervous about driving in the car with him now. He's the one who'll loose out as I won't offer to pick him up or drop him off.

OP posts:
Fairynufff · 19/03/2009 09:45

Completely agree with VinegarTits. I would've demanded an apology over something like this in my early years of marriage. Now I've learned to choose my battles wisely - this is one to let go...

tattifer · 19/03/2009 09:54

fairynuff on the wise picking of battles - yes indeed.

confuzzled obviously being very careful in the way I phrase this but two weeks ago Dh and I were on the verge of a car argument until I realised (thankfully so did he) that my pregnant hormones might very well have been a (scuse the pun) driving force. Not, I hasten to add, to his silly comment, but to my arguably OTT reaction to it. Could this be a factor to your current predicament?

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 09:55

TBH, I would be tempted to just tell him!

When I am driving, I am driving, I will make the decisions and that is the end of it. If you think I am wrong you are welcome to your opinon but you will keep it to yourself. Finally, if you ever tell me to shut up like that again you will have much more to worry about than whether or not I switch lanes. Are we clear? Good.

Just don't allow him to argue with you about it again, the answer to everything is "were you driving? Then you do not get to decide" or "I am happy to let you drive next time if it will make you happy" repeated ad infitum if required!

AMumInScotland · 19/03/2009 09:58

It was wrong of your husband to talk to you like that, but to an extent I think he has a point. If both lanes of the road were available, because the bus lane wasn't in operation, then you normally ought to drive in the left hand lane and only move over to the right for your junction.

If there had been a huge amount of traffic which would have made it a dreadful struggle to get back into the right lane at the junction, that would be fair enough, but the worst that would have happened would be you having to sit for a few moments at the front of the "bus lane" while the other driver went past, if he had got past you then matched your speed.

Tortington · 19/03/2009 10:15

as you are a pregnant lady i think this changes things.

also if you have kids in the car - this changes things too.

now i am a highly - highly excellent driver. i like driving, i like my car and i know the road - the rules we are supposed to obey and the rules that most of us obey - which are not the same thing

so, if some fucker had come up my pregnant arse. i would have moved over and said " hope you get pulled you fucker!"

i wouldnt antagognise another road user if i was pregnant or had kids in the car - by slowing right down or anything else. i would have moved over and let him pass.

taking pregnancy out of the equation, taking nasty fuckhead other river out of the equation, if you want to drive in the normal lane, then do. its not the friggin motorway where you use the right hand lanes to overtake.

who is right and who is wrong....really ...like...really?

see now you have my definitive answer - you can go off and tare each other new arseholes - but really? this is what you want to communicate with him about - after work?

its truly wimpy to not like driving at night btw, jeez! women drivers

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 19/03/2009 10:17

so he told you to 'just shut up and get on with the driving' and you want an apology for it?

I think your being over sensitive imvho

mamas12 · 19/03/2009 10:33

You do need to ask for an apology for the way he spoke to you but then I think he drives from now on then as he makes you nervous now and he doesn't have the confidence in you at moment. I coudn't stand driving when I was pg coz I'm short and I just coudn't fit so just tell him it's not worth the hassle you driving for the forseeable you need to take care of yourself and baby.

kiddiz · 19/03/2009 10:52

My Dh is the world's worst passenger seat driver. When we've had other passengers in the car they have often said to me that they don't know how I put up with it. The irony is he doesn't like to drive and will avoid it at all costs. He will only drive if there is no alternative. I don't have a problem with driving so the arrangement works quite well EXCEPT when he insists on telling me what I should be doing all the time.
Thing is I have lost count of all the arguments we've had over the years. In the past, on several occasions, I have stopped the car and got out, refusing to drive any further unless he shuts up! I have also threatened not to drive anymore and ,as he likes to drink and I don't, he has more to lose than I do.
My solution now is that I just ignore him. I don't listen anymore...I put the radio or a cd on and just blank his voice out. He is incapable of shutting up so arguing is pointless.

roulade · 19/03/2009 10:56

I would want an apology for being poken to like a picec of s* so no YANBU

roulade · 19/03/2009 10:58

spoken ( although poken sounds like fun )

lemons27 · 19/03/2009 10:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.