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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this is beyond cheeky?

45 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 18/03/2009 23:22

A few months ago my mum asked me to take out a loan so she can pay off her visa and she will give me the money for it because she can't get a loan herself because she's not working and her husband can't because he has not been in the country long enough. I said I would think about it but didn't give her an answer. I'm really not wanting to do this at all because I don't want to have this happening for at least 5 years. Anything could happen and I would be left with a £10,000 loan to pay off. She asked again tonight if I would consider it.

I really don't want to come out with a straight no as she will be really funny with me, I just know it. Plus, what put the icing on the cake (the cheeky part) was we were chatting about her visa and I said if she was to die, her next of kin is left with the debt to pay and of course that is her husband. Oh, said my mother, but he would go back home (he comes from abroad) and you know he could never afford it and then she intiated it would be me who would have to pay it therefore. But mum, I said, I work 20 hours per week, can barely afford to live as it is. He (her husband) gets a good wage over here I told her, it would be only fair he would have to pay it as he IS now her next of kin! She went all funny on me and now is being abrupt with me.

OP posts:
CHOCOLATEPEANUT · 18/03/2009 23:26

tell her to bog off

theres no way they would come after you for her debts!

shonaspurtle · 18/03/2009 23:27

I remember your original post Lola. I think the consensus was to not for a second think of giving your mum this money.

Please don't. I know she's your mum but I don't think you can afford it if she doesn't pay you back, and I don't think you think she's likely to do you?

It's hard for you, but I think it's going to be harder for your relationship if you're trying to chase her for money

And yes, she's beyond cheeky. Far beyond.

trixymalixy · 18/03/2009 23:27

Tell her you tried to get the loan, but they are stricter with the lending criteria now given the credit crunch etc and you were rejected.

She is totally taking the piss though.

shonaspurtle · 18/03/2009 23:28

Oh yes, and of course you're not liable for her debts. Her estate would be, if she died. But if there wasn't enough money, then it's an unsecured debt so they would just have to whistle for it.

Alambil · 18/03/2009 23:29

Well, seeing as she's already being funny with you (which is wrong of her) you may as well add the "oh and by the way mum; no loan" because well, you won't lose much will you - seeing as she's already being silly

Twims · 18/03/2009 23:29

Nope - if they want a loan they sort one.

ChippingIn · 18/03/2009 23:30

Lola - it's not cheeky.

It goes wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy beyond that. Please don't do it.

EightiesChick · 18/03/2009 23:31

YANBU - why doesn't she just pay the money she would be giving you (yeah right) onto the visa card? I know it will take longer but there you go. I like trixymalixy's suggestion too.

HolyGuacamole · 18/03/2009 23:31

Don't take out the loan, just don't.

YANBU.

I know she is family but to put it crudely, she is big enough and ugly enough to sort out her own finances without asking you to take legal responsibility for a £10,000 loan. There is 'helping someone out' and asking someone to take out a huge loan is way more than that.

thumbwitch · 18/03/2009 23:32

I'm with the Bog Off vote.

An exP once tried this on me - I went as far as phoning the loan company and they offered me the loan but I chickened out at the last minute and said I'd changed my mind. What I didn't know then (and didn't find out until later) was that ME refusing to take up the loan is marked down as Loan Refused (same as if the loan company had refused the loan) and goes as a black mark on my credit rating (thankfully the only one!) I am soooooooooo glad I didn't go through with it though as he was a prize arse, patholoical liar and robbed me of £4k anyway. At least I wasn't left with having to pay off the loan as well!

I am not suggesting your mum is any of the bad things I just said about exP BUT please don't do it. If she misses a payment or falls behind it is YOU that will be liable. You can't take the risk.

cherryblossoms · 18/03/2009 23:32

Second trixymalixy.

£10,000 is just too much money. It could just go wrong and then your relationship with your mum really will be ruined. I think there are circumstances where I'd think "yes" but here, because the loan is for your mum, and she's not working, and she's effectively told you her dh won't consider the loan his full responsibility, it just has "trouble" written all over it.

Also, won't it take ages to pay off? And over that length of time anything could happen.

Poor you. A really uncomfortable situation to be in.

thumbwitch · 18/03/2009 23:35

And from a purely rational point of view, if she has managed to rack up that big a Visa bill through not paying it back, I wouldn't fancy your chances of her paying you back either, especially as you won't be charging her interest.

Let her go to a debt agency to discuss how she can manage her repayments better.

Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 18/03/2009 23:42

Hello, thanks for all of your replies. I really really don't want to get the loan for her but how do I tell her no in the nicest way possible, as she really does go off on silly things (i.e. tonight with her husband and him being liable for the visa).

OP posts:
Original poster
LolaTheShowgirl · 18/03/2009 23:44

I wish my nan was here to help me decide these things. I sit and wonder what she would her answers to my dilemmas would be.

Just one thing: Am I being selfish refusing her the loan? What can I do to stop her going in a mood with me for turning her down?

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Altagloria · 18/03/2009 23:45

My MIL asked us to take out a loan for her a couple of years ago as she couldn't get credit. I don't even know how much it was for as we said no straight away. We had to - we knew she was likely to default on the loan as she was not in a position to pay it back, which is why she couldn't get credit in the first place. We just said we had our own debts to pay (sort of true) so we couldn't take on any more.

We have helped her out since then by lending her a small amount of cash but not involving any third parties. I do actually resent this loan a bit as she asked for it a week after we told her I was pregnant for the first time and would therefore be going on ML in the near future.

I think my MIL must have some idea that we are really well off, do you reckon that's what your mum thinks Lola?

Alambil · 18/03/2009 23:46

You can't - you just say "no, mum" and don't enter further discussion...

hang up the phone, leave the house - just don't entertain her sulking like a 2 yr old.

It's hard.. really hard, but it's just FAR too dangerous for you to even think about it

MollieO · 18/03/2009 23:46

Do what others have suggested here - tell her that you've tried and you aren't able to get a loan. £100 is one thing £10,000 is a huge debt to be saddled with. I also doubt that she would actually pay you back. Imagine your relationship then.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 18/03/2009 23:47

YANBU!
Your mum is being unreasonable to expect you to take on her debt, let alone to imply that she doesn't seem to care - to be frank - if you get burdened with it if she dies as well! Please don't do it

thumbwitch · 18/03/2009 23:47

NO you are not being selfish you are being completely sensible - she is UNUTTERABLY selfish to try and land you with the loan, plus being dreadful to put you in such a dilemma.

Seriously, like someone has already said, tell her you simply can't get the loan because you don't have the credit rating/because of the credit crunch. Sorry and all that but it's just not possible.

You can't stop her getting into a mood - she is behaving like a spoilt brat and placing you in the parental role - treat her like a spoilt brat and let her get on with it.

MollieO · 18/03/2009 23:47

You are definitely not being selfish.

Alambil · 18/03/2009 23:47

sorry I xposted with you lola

do YOU think you're being selfish? deep deep down?

I think you're just going to have to ride the storm on this

hedgiemum · 18/03/2009 23:49

The fact you're finding it so hard to say no shows that you are a loving daughter and kind person.

Get out of it whatever way you can: Do you have a DP? Say he says you can't. Or that you can't get the loan. Or that you talked it over with an independent financial adviser who pointed out (list all the risks....) and said you shouldn't. Whatever else you say, also tell her that this would potentially drive a huge wedge between you, which is true. (Everything she bought you would feel angry that she wasn't spending that money on paying back the loan faster.)

10k on credit cards is bad - the interest must be pushing the balance up all the time. She possibly feel so worried about it that she is overlooking what a serious thing she is asking of you. Offer to go along to CAB with her to discuss her options. Show concern, which I'm sure you feel. But taking out the loan would only be moving the ultimate worry and concern from her onto you.

If she dies with 10k of visa debt, the debt dies with her. If she dies owing you 10k, the debt is yours!

trixymalixy · 18/03/2009 23:50

I don't think you're being selfish refusing her the loan. I suspect she might pay off the credit card and then rack it all up again.

See my post of 23.27, you don't have to turn her down, tell her you tried but it's just not possible because of the stricter lending criteria.

FairLadyRantALot · 18/03/2009 23:56

If you only work 20 h a week, in the current climate, there is no way you are going to get a loan as high as 10K, tbh....so, just say you inquired and that was what you were told...and I would say, if she is married and the guy IS alive when she goes it will fall onto him to pay it back...but maybe I am being naive here....

but, why does she need the loan if he is earning well?
I suppose she is kinda his visa to be here, hopefully love also involved, but surely if he has the earning potential he should support her?

pinkyp · 19/03/2009 00:07

I'd tell her you can't get a loan - if u only work 20 hours a week then theres a good chance you wouldnt get a loan for 10k. Then maybe offer to help her get in touch with the visa company and tell them she is struggling to pay - then ur helping but not being stuck with debt.
You wont have to pay her debts when she's dies they can't make you do that.

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