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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is beyond cheeky?

45 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 18/03/2009 23:22

A few months ago my mum asked me to take out a loan so she can pay off her visa and she will give me the money for it because she can't get a loan herself because she's not working and her husband can't because he has not been in the country long enough. I said I would think about it but didn't give her an answer. I'm really not wanting to do this at all because I don't want to have this happening for at least 5 years. Anything could happen and I would be left with a £10,000 loan to pay off. She asked again tonight if I would consider it.

I really don't want to come out with a straight no as she will be really funny with me, I just know it. Plus, what put the icing on the cake (the cheeky part) was we were chatting about her visa and I said if she was to die, her next of kin is left with the debt to pay and of course that is her husband. Oh, said my mother, but he would go back home (he comes from abroad) and you know he could never afford it and then she intiated it would be me who would have to pay it therefore. But mum, I said, I work 20 hours per week, can barely afford to live as it is. He (her husband) gets a good wage over here I told her, it would be only fair he would have to pay it as he IS now her next of kin! She went all funny on me and now is being abrupt with me.

OP posts:

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 00:09

Lola, am I right in saying you have had issues with your mother (and her new husband) for some time?

If I am right about it then I would say this is just another in a long line of outragous demands she has made of you (I seem to recall something about rent?).You know that she IBU, you know that she expects far to much from you and you know that she manipulates you by making you feel guilty. Until you stop letting her make you feel bad this won't change, she will always be able to manipulate you.

You cannot stop her being cross or upset when you say no as you already know. No matter how you present it she is going to make you feel bad!

On a more practial level, I doubt you will get a £10,000 loan if you are only working 20 hours. So that would be my line to use when saying no to her!

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 19/03/2009 00:10

You got it in one FairLady, it's also what I believe, that he is here because of the fact he can work here...jobs are very scare in his home country, also the fact jobs pay 5 times more than back home. He sends more than £100 per week home to his family. None of them work or are trying to find work because they rely on his sending over while my mum struggles so much to pay the bills that are here right in front of his damn face. I also believe that if he and my mum are so hard up that she would look harder for a job and that he could sacrifice a few luxuries like his car and send back the £700 laptop he's recently got but no, neither of them even entertain the idea so it makes me so bloody angry she comes to me and requests things like this knowing full well how difficult it will be for me to turn her down.

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 19/03/2009 00:14

Ah Lola - you must DEFINITELY not take the loan out. It is NOT your responsibility to bail your ma and her H out of their financial issues - tbh, you don't even know that the money you borrow for her would all go on her Visa bill, some of it might end up being sent abroad as well. Do you really want to live with that?

KingCanuteIAm · 19/03/2009 00:16

That was it, she wanted you to pay rent after you moved out because she couldn't afford the bills but she had bought him a new laptop on the visa card....

I really think you need to get some help with this one, you seem to know she is being unreasonable but for some reason cannot remove yourself from her actions.

I have no idea how to help you, the only thing I can think of is to suggest getting someone to help you think out some strategies for saying no and some strategies for dealing with the guilt you feel as a result. Hopefully, eventually, you will be able to say no without having the guilt.

It is an awful situation for you and I wish I could be of some help

dittany · 19/03/2009 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 19/03/2009 00:21

Lola you've already had great advice here - do not under any circumstances take out a load for her.
As others have said, I would doubt that you'd be able to borrow so much working the hours you do so you could use that as the reason and she need never know.

hedgiemum · 19/03/2009 00:48

Lola, if requests of this nature have happened a few times then you really need to erect tight boundaries. After telling your mum the specific reason you can't take a loan out to lend to her on this occasion, tell her that you are not in a position to lend her money EVER. Tell her that if you were ever to win the lottery you would gladly help her out (!), but that times are hard and you have to prioritise your own financial security. Tell her that if she continues to ask you for money it will affect your relationship so badly it may never recover.

Perhaps a counselling session with a family therapist would help you to work through your feelings? (Not trying to say "you need therapy!" like you're loony or like its a panacea for everything.)

DaisyMooSteiner · 19/03/2009 00:52

Of course you're not being selfish. What sort of mother asks her struggling daughter to take on 10K of debt on her behalf?

Tortington · 19/03/2009 01:00

if you can't face a straight no - then lie.

"i didn't want to tell you this before but i am in over my head and i applied for a couple of loans online and i was turned down. i really needed to pay off the gas bill and had gone overdrawn on my overdraft - in desperation asked the bank for an over draft on my overdraft and even they said no.. fucking bastards, i have no idea why, when some people just seem to get loans thrown at them, i can't get enough money to pay the gas"

its all bullshit - use your imagination.

MadamDeathstare · 19/03/2009 01:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cherryblossoms · 19/03/2009 09:16

Lola - I've been pondering this because I think I remember your other thread.

In the short term, evasion/lying may be good.

But, in the long term, I was wondering if you'd thought about some form of counselling about your relationship with your mum.

I know that sounds a bit "Woody Allen"-ish and extreme but ... it occurs to me that she's probably going to go on putting you in situations like this and a lot of the problem is about her and your relationship with her. It might be good to get a perspective on your relationship with her and a stronger sense of your boundaries. And some back-up and some tactics for saying "no".

I hope I don't sound too barmy suggesting that. It's just a thought.

Good luck. It does sound awful.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 19/03/2009 09:26

it is completely and entirely reasonable to refuse to do what she asks... or to even try to get a loan for her in this way... and completely UNREASONABLE of her to ask you.

i think a polite but completely straightforward "sorry i cant help, i just can afford to. if there was a problem and you couldnt repay me i would be in an impossible situation and i cant take that risk, i have my dc(s) to think about" would be best. if she takes offence at that that will be her unreasonableness not yours.

it does sound like she bullies you though and that for whatever reason you feel unable to withstand her... agree re have you thought about talking this over with someone.

also sounds like her dh is taking the piss and it is him she needs to have a proper talk with about priorities etc.

Strawbezza · 19/03/2009 09:26

YANBU. Please don't even entertain the idea of taking on this loan - your mum needs to sort out her own finances. If she is struggling, she can get advice from CAB etc.

And why does her husband 'have to' send money back to his family abroad?

KHS · 19/03/2009 09:33

Yes, this is beyond cheeky and no YANBU.

Don't do it- definitely. If you think you're stressed now, think how stressed you'll be be with £10,000 of new debt and a mother who doesn't seem that interested in how she's actually going to pay you back.

I think she is very selfish and immature to even ask you-sounds like you're the grown-up in your relationship. But of course you love her regardless and want to get on with her. Lying is definitely an option, but it might be healthier for you both in the long term if you are honest and say something like 'mum, I love you to bits but there is no way I can cope with a £10,000 debt or any more debt than what I already have-it is out of the question. But I am very happy to sit down with you to find a way for you and your husband to handle the payments'. That way you are laying down the law but in a friendly and still helpful way.

Look for 0% balance transfer deals together (maybe on his new laptop ? - Virgin have a good one which allows you to consolidate credit card debt and an overdraft onto one card with 15 months interest free uk.virginmoney.com/virgin/credit-cards-v3/?source=GOO-KW-25682-26059. And this website can help you find more deals www.moneysavingexpert.com). Help her do a budget of all their outgoings and income. Sounds like she is living in la-la land so it might be a bit of a wake-up call to see her situation in balck and white and discover how much she will have to put away every month to deal with her debt.

But - ultimately - do make it clear that you can only help up to a point. She has a husband who should be supporting her in this-it is not you job. You've got your own life and she's got hers. Sometimes being honest is the hardest thing but it often pays off as she might respect your boundaries more in the future.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2009 09:34

She may not see it, but you taking out that loan for her would not be 'being a good daughter'.

Being a good daughter would be making an appointment and going with her to the Citizens' Advice Bureau and finding out how she can take control of her own finances and deal with her own debt.

And what about her husband, why is he not helping here?

Don't do it!

TheCrackFox · 19/03/2009 09:36

Please, please, please say no. Your mum will never be able to pay the loan back. She can't handle the debts she has and TBH she sounds like she is living beyond her means with no intention of cutting her lifestyle back. You will be lumbered with paying the loan back yourself.

If you can't reply with a straight "no" then just lie and say you have been turned down for the loan. If you are only working 20 hours a week it is unlikely that they would give you the money.

When she dies you will not be liable for her debt.

KHS · 19/03/2009 09:39

PS - definitely try to get some support for through your GP if you are finding this too hard to handle - you should not have to feel depressed, anxious or stressed because of your relationship with your mother. Therapy can be a fantastic help thought difficult times in my experience, and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Strong people seek out help because they know what they need to take charge of their situation.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 19/03/2009 10:02

... but if you take out a loan in your name on the basis of her promise to pay you the instalments money you WILL be liable for every penny.... if she doesnt pay you as promised, or if she dies before she's paid you back. that will be v much your problem!

Jux · 19/03/2009 10:15

Lola, someone pointed out at the beginning of the thread that you can easily say that you couldn't get the loan as they are tightening up due to the credit crunch. Do that. Then she'll think you've tried and will have to take it on the chin.

cheesesarnie · 19/03/2009 10:18

dont do it!say you were refused!yes its checky to lie but its cheeky of her to ask!

you are not being selfish by not doing it-shes a grown up!

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