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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

what do you think of this?

39 replies

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2009 20:46

lil sis is in her late 20's. been with bf for 9y. bought a house late last year and got engaged in new year.

they have had some probs over the last week or so and he told her he "needed some space" stayed at "friends" for 2 nights.

he went to see her today and they argued, he stormed out, she ran after him and fell down satirs, top to bottom. hurt her back, stretchered to A&E. sm called him to let him know. didnt come to hospital. went to work at 4, hasnt spoken to her. she is staying at dads, ive been at hospital all afternoon and she's heartbroken and in a lot of pain. aibu to think he should have at least called her?

OP posts:

Lindenlass · 18/03/2009 20:48

yanbu. He sounds like an arse! Has he always behaved like this? Have they been happy together?

thisisyesterday · 18/03/2009 20:48

yes, of course he should have.
sounds like he has suddenly got all commitment-phobic doesn't it? house buying and engagement has scared him????

your poor sister hope she's ok

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2009 20:50

he has "moments" when he doesnt know what he wants yada yada... he had ring for 18m before he proposed. think he just likes rto keep her on her toes. she was recently offered a fab promotion which would have meant moving and he wouldnt consider moving so she turned it down.

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luckylady74 · 18/03/2009 20:51

Your poor sister! Do you know the ins and outs of the argument? They may have said things they can't get past injured or not a.It's awful because it's negating the 9 good years they've had. It's great that you're there to support her and I'd leave the feeling aggrieved to her. I understand, but YABU a bit.

beanieb · 18/03/2009 20:52

I don't know. Perhaps this is it for him, perhaps rather than space he wants out of the relationship?

Maybe she would be better off if he didn't contact her because he sounds like a shit and it looks like she'd be better off without him.

Lulumama · 18/03/2009 20:53

he is so dumped. well, that's what i'd do

YANBU

he sounds like he has cold feet and wnts to engineer a split

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2009 20:55

tbh its 6 of one 1/2 dozen of another... his last "i need space" thing was 2y ago and lasted a month. then when she started going out etc he was in love again.

im just upset for her. she came out of xray and asked for him, i had to tell her that he wasnt there.

OP posts:

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2009 20:57

i thought maybe cold feet too.

and lulu, i would also dump him. "not sure what he wants? then its obviously not me! see ya"

OP posts:

Joycey29 · 18/03/2009 21:10

I agree - I would dump him - if her welfare is not his priority then what is?

Lulumama · 18/03/2009 21:15

some people thrive on the drama of make up and break up relationships., i could not stand it personally.

it sounds exhausting if you are having a life time of it

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 18/03/2009 21:20

see lulu, they arent normall dramatic. every couple of years he has a wobble and (while not actually dumps her) needs space, so she sobs and begs him not to leave, then when she starts to pull herself together again tells her he cant live without her yada yada... joyceys right, she should be his priority. i love her to bits, shes my lil sis and im so protective of her and it makes me cross that he is upsetting her like this.

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mamas12 · 18/03/2009 23:55

Awful awful awful behaviour towards her from him. Such callous treatment of her needs to be pointed out by one of the health professional as she may not 'take' it from you, could you have a quiet word with someone at all?
I fainted once and happened to be standing at the top of the stairs and when in hospital 'falling down the stairs' as an explanation for my head injury and husband not turning up until 5pm (iarrived at 9.15)and being angry at me for being so stupid was greeted with so many doctors checking me for 'any other injuries' They thought I was victim of dv and were great, it didn't click with me due to concussion and the fact that he wasn't even there when I fainted. But when he was asked for a contact number from him he refused I had to tell him if I died in the night while at the hospital I'll ask the neighbour to take care of it shall I. I knew then he was going to be an ex.
I hope she has a speedy recovery and gets the insight she needs to kick this 'man' into touch. Godd luck with supporting her.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 19/03/2009 08:13

god, mamas that sounds dreadful! i think she's reluctant to let go of nine years. and she loves him so much... going to dads in a bit to see her!

OP posts:

wotulookinat · 19/03/2009 08:24

Maybe there's more to it - perhaps a lot has been going on behind closed doors that we don't know about.

He could be worried about contacting to see how she is in case she takes it the wrong way - I'm trying to think like a man here!!

It sounds like the relationship is well and truly over. I certainly wouldn't want to get back with him after that. However, people will put up with a lot of shit when they are in love.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 19/03/2009 08:43

possibly wot, will hopefully get the full story out of her today. however, i still think he should have been there, whether he was worried about her reaction or not. i know that dh would drop everything if i was rushed to hospital, regardless of whether he was told not to go/had to work/werent talking

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wotulookinat · 19/03/2009 08:46

Yes, any decent man would.

WowOoo · 19/03/2009 08:51

Exactly as Lulamama said.

That would jsut be it for me. It would have been over for me before this incident.

Hope she feels better and strong soon.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2009 08:58

The whole 'I need space' thing sounds a lot like my friend, who was with her bf for 7 years (mostly on with a couple of patches of off). If he goes off for a month or so because he 'needs space' and she always takes him back afterwards then he'll never learn that this is not how grownups in a relationship behave.

FWIW last year he tried it again and my friend basically said that either it was on or it was off and he could decide. Being in the mood he was in he said off, but changed his mind pretty quickly (about the time it takes to have one weekend out with the boys and discover that attractive women don't come flocking to him ). He spent a good while being pathetic, claiming he loved her, blah blah blah, she now has a much nicer new man and thinks that ex-bf will behave much better to his next girlfriend, but that she had let him get away with things for too long for it to ever work between them.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 19/03/2009 09:05

well, just spoken to her. he wouldnt tell her where he stayed last night, said that he didnt come because it would have upset her (wtf?) and he's not coming to see her today, because he still need "time".

all this via text.

going to see her at 10.30, but there is no way i would stand for this!!

OP posts:

Strawbezza · 19/03/2009 09:12

I really hope she dumps him good and proper - if he's like this before they're married just imagine what effect marriage and kids will have on him.

mamas12 · 19/03/2009 09:27

Oh god Alarm bells are loud and clear aren't they. She will need a lot of support to leave him because it is hard to think all those years wasted on him were for nothing, but she won't put up with valueing herself so low again so it's all positive in the end.
Can you get all her friends and relis to contact her by actually speaking or visiting or send a card. Show her that it's not that hard to really show how someone can care.

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 19/03/2009 09:41

thats a good idea. will get ds to make her a card in preschool today to take round to her. i just cant believe he is being such a twunt. and that she is taking it!

OP posts:

Wizzska · 19/03/2009 10:15

DUMP HIM! Does he have any redeeming features?

Original poster

OracleInaCoracle · 20/03/2009 10:07

well, just spoken to her. she offered to buy footie tickets for sat for them to spend the day together, he said not to bother, he would come round today to talk to her. she asked if he was coming home.
he said they would talk later.
she asked if he still loved her
he said they would talk later.

twat.

OP posts:

Stretch · 20/03/2009 10:19

He sounds a dick. He wants her to do all the running and make him feel special and wanted. He will continue to do this and it will get worse. Can you imagine when they have babies and he is no longer centre of attention?

Hope your sister is feeling better.

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