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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know it been done to death but I'm still cross...

38 replies

maqrollelgaviero · 18/03/2009 17:47

and I DON'T think IABU, do you think I am?

Last tues I sent my son to Pre school with the invitations to his party. I have invited lots of NCT long time friends so with them plus sibling we already had about 15 kids plus parents coming and the party is at home so I said ds could ask 5 friends from Pre school, which he was more than happy with. I liased with ps to find out who he played with and checked with ds that he wanted to invite those 5 kids.

One mum who I know slightly came up to me on tues at pick up time and said sorry but they were going away for the weekend so her ds couldn't come, we made tentative plans for another time. One boy's mum rang on Monday to say they'd be coming which is great. The other 3 haven't contacted me at all. AIBU to think this is a bit rude of them?

I even wrote on the invitations that they were welcome to stay and join in and bring any siblings as I know I'd be a bit stuck if we had a weekend invite and as my dh is often working away and I have another little one I'd be stuck for childcare for him.

I'm not fussed about the party as we have lots of people coming and hopefully ds won't notice his school buddies aren't there, I just feel cross that people aren't polite enough to at least say no if they don't want to come!

OP posts:
EdwardBear · 18/03/2009 17:51

Oh its only been a week, sometimes it takes me longer than that to respond as need to wait and see when dh is away/working etc first

piscesmoon · 18/03/2009 17:53

I should have put RSVP by Wednesday. Probably they don't see it as urgent.

Original poster
maqrollelgaviero · 18/03/2009 17:54

Sorry, forgot to mention the party is this sat 21st.

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 18/03/2009 17:59

I have to put my hands up to being a late replier, to DCs party invitations IF i am am intending to go . I would always let someone know if we couldn't make it, straight away.. Maybe that's what's happened.

I know it's not ideal, but i know lots of other people are like this.

piscesmoon is right

piscesmoon · 18/03/2009 18:01

Are you sure they got it?-I once found an invitation to DS2 three weeks after the event-I had to phone the mum and grovel!

jugglingwoman · 18/03/2009 18:25

My DS's birthday party last year was nearly ruined by his 'best friend' and other friend not coming. The 'other friends' mum called and said he had to go and race bikes for his club and the best friends mother hadn't got our number (not true) but had asked if she could tell us he couldn't go either as he was in a Judo championship. To make things worse, his girl friend was ill but, her mum made the effort to come up to our house and deliver his present which was very sweet of her.

The only thing that saved it were my nieces, his other best friend and an outside school friend. So our party for 8 became a party of 5 an hour before it started.

Saying that, he had a lovely day and didn't seem to notice or hold a grudge (unlike his grandmother)!

You are totally not being unreasonable and it makes me wonder if there's a link between this and their children having no manners.

MargotBeauregarde · 18/03/2009 18:29

I'm the same, if I know we can't go I say so immediately but I've had calls from mums saying "so, can she come then?" I just had so many balls in the air that I filed "a party we CAN go to" as non-urgent in my own scrambled brain.

Original poster
maqrollelgaviero · 18/03/2009 19:21

I know my son isn't that important in the lives of others, it's just the percieved (by me) lack of politeness I find wierd/ annoying.

I didn't put an RSVP date on and purposely haven't hassled the parents in the playground as I don't really know them and to be frank I don't care whether they come or not and I know quite often kids social events take a bit of planning.

Maybe IABU to think people expect me to want to know 2 days before the blooming party! If I'm over complicating a 4th birthday party so much it's a good job I'm going back to university in sept when pfb starts in reception!

Thanks for giving me perspective.

OP posts:
5Foot5 · 18/03/2009 20:52

This always used to annoy me when DD had parties. I would put RSVP on the invitation but there were often a small number who never did.

Mind you with very young children it could be that they just forgot to give the invitation to their parents. I remember at DDs 5th there was one family who did not reply. About 2 weeks after the party the Mum came and apologised as her DD had just produced the invitation from her bag and said "Can I go?"

JumpingDizzy · 18/03/2009 20:56

I've been guilty of this too in the past Although sometimes ds1 forgets to bring them home. I'm much better now though.

Thankyouandgoodnight · 18/03/2009 21:00

I would call them if you need to know.

To all those that never bother to reply in a timely manner - think about the poor parents trying to organise the amount of food they need and if indeed it is worth spending the amount of money on hiring a place if they have decided to do that due to anticipated numbers.

Just because you haven't replied, it doesn't mean that everyone else has so you are probably 1 of a few who haven't replied and that makes it a nightmare for the parents.

Sorrento · 18/03/2009 21:04

Gosh, by the time you get to the third child, you tend to just kind of go along on the day if you remember, it is appalling but I kind of hoped I'd be forgive on the basis I have a lot on my mind too and your birthday party is on the list but it's a long list.

Janos · 18/03/2009 21:11

Hmmm, I've had experience of both sides of this.

It is frustrating when people don't reply and you have a children's party to organise but then there could be many valid reasons why someone hasn't replied (some folk may just be rude/thoughtless of course.

I, for example was late replying to party invite this week through no fault of my own because my XP picked up the invite and never bothered to give me the details. Thankfully the mum was understanding and DS could still go!

A lot of oraganised party places do factor this in and allow for last minute extra guests, you just have to pay a bit more on the day (annoying, I know).

Thankyouandgoodnight · 18/03/2009 21:16

I'm amazed - how can it be so hard to forget to reply to an invitation but cn remember to actually go to it?

It sounds like approx 40-50% people don't reply on average. How crap is that??

DesperateHousewifeToo · 18/03/2009 21:18

I wouldn't stress about it.

Just ask them, next time you see them, if they got the invite and whether they are able to make it.

If they are like me, they will have been planning to speak to you when they see you in the morning but, in the general chaos of getting children to school, have probably forgotten.

Hesdoneitagain · 18/03/2009 22:45

Irritates me. We had to do loads of chasing for DDs 4th party. The place we had it was £8 a head and you have to give numbers a week in advance, plus I had to do the party bags too which cost money and time.

Other thing that bugs me is when people turn up with siblings (that we don't know and haven;t invited) and then you either haven't got enough food or you have to pay extra. Plus at this party for her 4th I felt really bad for the siblings who I hadn't invited and didn't know were coming, as there were no party bags for them

fruitbeard · 18/03/2009 22:58

Irritates the crap out of me.

We had about 6 non-responses from DD's class, of which 3 then turned up on the day (good job I'd made extra party bags just in case!) with absolutely no 'sorry we didn't respond' or anything - Sorrento, it is appalling, do you think the party-giving parent has less on their mind than you do?? (sorry, but that attitude REALLY bugs me - that your time is so much more important than mine!)

Sorrento · 18/03/2009 23:02

No it's not a case of malicously thinking my time is more valuable more a case of shit happens and we roll with it don't we, I do think you need to chill a bit and be a more gracious hostess.
I personally always assume a random sibling will be there and have extra party bags, same with non replying invitee's assume they are coming until they don't turn up then get the party place to knock it off the bill, they will if you ask.

katiestar · 19/03/2009 09:10

Next time make sure you put on a RSVP date on ! Do you have the phone numbers of teh parents to chase them up ?

stealthsquiggle · 19/03/2009 09:19

OP - since you are not bothered about whether the pre-school friends come or not, then IIWY I would take a deep breath and forget about it.

However, as others have said, it only takes a few people to have Sorrento's attitude and you have a party for anywhere between (say) 10 and 30 to cater for, which is a complete and utter nightmare. As a result I have become entirely ruthless - I will hassle people for answers, and use my DS to tell their DC that their parents need to answer or there won't be food or party bags for them (that worked well - pester power ). If they think I am a PITA, fair enough, they can say 'no' and get me off their backs, but it really upsets/annoys me to have paid for and put effort into food, entertainment and party bags for children who 'might' come.

As a result of my ruthless approach I got it down to 1 non-respondee last time, which I can live with.

Original poster
maqrollelgaviero · 19/03/2009 10:02

I know I know just let it go.... The arse of it is the blessed party bag thing as you've got to calculate organising the things and the catering etc.

I just find it amazing that people can't say 'no I can't come to your party because we're busy/on holiday/my DC hates yours/ you wear too much Boden. Or alternatively, if you are planning to come say yes then if something unavoidable comes up ring me and say 'sorry Maq, we now can't come as bla bla bla'.

I must be a right boring cow with my oldy fashionedy attitude of do as you would be done by!

As suggested I will be more zen.

OP posts:
Jux · 19/03/2009 10:10

Ask at pick up time.

I always did a few extra party bags anyway cos you never know what's going to happen.

MollieO · 19/03/2009 10:21

I think it is rude not to bother replying and still turn up. I always reply the day I get an invite to ensure I won't forget. If I'm not sure we can go I also reply and say that and say when I'll be able to confirm. All about having good manners imo. Some children's parties are costed on a per head basis and I think it is utterly unreasonable not to bother replying when you know that the invitee's parents will have spent time and money organising.

stealthsquiggle · 19/03/2009 10:23

As I hopefully made clear, I am 100% with you but (apart from devious pester power tactics) have spent the last 3 years (since we started this party lark!) trying and failing to cultivate the right degree of zen-like calm on the subject.

I have also learned to harden my heart to the whole siblings-not-getting-party-bags issue. Mostly because I did the sums last time and worked out that even the siblings who I suspected would turn up would come close to doubling the numbers . It's a shame, really, because DS really likes some of his classmate's siblings and I would have liked to invite them...

Of course in my case , the 'no' would be because we don't wear enough any Boden, or have the requisite number of large expensive cars/nannies/acres of land .

Galava · 19/03/2009 10:24

Many years ago (before I found MN and its wisdom) and pfb was in reecption I hassled one mother and left a message on her home phone number.

They didnt turn up.

And then she sent a lovely present and wrote me a letter explaining how her sister was in a hospice

Needless to say... I would never hassle anyone again.Ever.

Party bags pah ! just keep some spare sweets to hand out to any LOs you are not expecting.