to not want DHs 10 yr old son to stay with us for school holidays?

[lucyec]

It always causes loads of stress and arguments before he arrives and when he?s with us. He goes into sulks at the drop of a hat ? which results in him sitting himself on the floor in the corner of the room and pouting; he won?t take any instruction from me (for want of a better word, but basically will only listen to ?rules/discipline? from his Dad) and fights with my DD. He?ll play with her for 5 minutes and when he?s decided he?s had enough will shout at her to go away. Last time he was here he head-butted her when she said something he didn?t like (she?s 6). A year or so ago, he pulled down his trousers and told my DD to touch his willy (she didn?t, and thankfully came and told me straight away). He physically lashes out when he?s cross and I just don?t trust him. The list goes on, but I could ramble on forever about various incidents?

Because of our living arrangements, it wouldn?t mean him not seeing his Dad at all during the hols as DH and I live apart during the week (because of work), so he could stay with DH anyway. The only impact would be that DH and I wouldn?t see each other for nearly a month over Easter.

I?m worried what will happen in the summer ? I?m due to give birth in June, so not looking forward to having to deal with all this as well as a new baby.

I feel I am being unreasonable by blaming the boy for all of this, but DH, DD and I are all a very happy family when he?s not around. I feel like the epitome of an evil step-mother.

Any thoughts?

I do sympathise, but yes YABU
The little boy is your DH's son and he ought to be considered part of your family. Clearly there is a problem, but do you or your DH know why your DSS acts this way? How does your DH handle his son's behaviour?
I think you do need to sit down with your DH and draw up a list of rules and acceptable behaviour. But the disciplining and parenting needs to come from your DH. You just need to ensure that you are both in agreement with what is considered to be good or bad behaviour and ensure that the same rules apply to your dd as well - kids are very good at sensing out any unfairness.

YABU

Ah the joys of being a step parent! I have two step children and as difficult as they have been in the past I knew that they came as part of the package.

I also know the women who is the epitome of an evil stepmother, she married my father and as a result I have seen him 3 times in 25 years, twice at funerals and once when he took us all to court to stop paying maintenance. It gets very long and messy at this point so we wont go there!

I know it's hard but please persevere. You're the grown up, he's a sad, misguided little boy who needs his daddy and also lessons in how to behave like a human being. Thankfully my step children have now outgrown this phase and we have a much better relationship. I'm sure you and he can to.

yabu hes is your family as well

YABU for all the reasons below. Is the asking your dd to touch his willy a cause for concern though?

Thanks all... as I suspected IABU

titchy ? yes, it concerned me a lot, hence makes me uncomfortable leaving both kids alone. DH thinks I'm over-reacting. A similar incident occurred when playing with MILs neighbours, they're not allowed to play with him anymore.

BT, I think the main reason is that he doesn't get any discipline at home. His mum ships him off to relatives at any given opportunity ? weekends, holidays (if he's not with us), inset days from school and especially if he?s been naughty. I think this is like rewarding bad behaviour, as she won't deal with him and just sends him away. Occasionally she'll text DH to talk to "his son" due to his bad behaviour (most recently he was suspended from school for fighting).

DH and I do agree on household rules and what is good / bad behaviour, and I make a conscious effort to be fair with both children. Dh does the disciplining of his son though, which consists of a 'talking to' and no actual punishment like taking toys away iyswim. Perhaps he doesn't respect me as an authority figure as neither his mum nor I am involved in disciplining?

Oh dear, I'm rambling now... making me sound more childish and bitter I fear!

YABU for all the reasons already said.
have I got this right though? You and DH live seperately during the week and your step son will be staying with you at your house all through the holidays even through each week that your DH stays away?
If that is the case, plus considering you have a baby due just before the Summer hols, it would be perfectly reasonable to sort out some kind of compromise arrangement this Summer imo.

How about your DH takes a couple of weeks holiday from work and has his son for those weeks as a chunk and then he also visits a few weekends? or something like that so you arent struggling to manage with him on your own with new baby every weekday.

Lucyec I was all ready to jump in with YABU but the whole "willy touching" thing is setting off claxons in my head.

You don't need me to tell you that is deeply inappropriate and needs addressing. Did your DH speak to him about it? Ask why he did it? Explain why it is inappropriate? Has he handled his parents' split well (sounds like not)?

I think he sounds like he needs professional help. But in the interim YANBU.

YABU you know

but I think you should be able to discipline him if he acts up in your home - though that would mean you being very careful to let your natural favouritism towards your DD affect your handling of him. The child probably senses that you would rather he was not there. You and your DH do need to sit down and work out groundrules and how you will deal with the inevitable dramas.

The fights with your DD are normal sibling behaviour. You will probably have more of that when your next child is old enough! the willy request is not - but he is only a child. I would wonder where the idea came from.

YABU but I would make sure you put 100% effort into his visit. I'm sure he's able to pick up negative vibes from you and he obviously sounds a troubled little boy.

DH, DD and I are all a very happy family when he?s not around.
I take it your DD in not your DHs child?
How would your feel if your DH did not want her around? Just wanted to play happy familys with you and HIS child?

I think you and he need to set the ground rules for his son and tell his son that as part of this family he will follow the family rules or be punished, 10 is way to old to have sulks and head butt children in temper.

Set the rules set the punishments spell it ou and stick to it

Yep - thats right EdwardBear. I'm genuinely not sure how we're going to manage over the summer. DH had planned to take 2 weeks hols instead of Paternity Leave when the baby's born(his work doesn't have a paternity policy, so can't afford to take PL on the current SPP rate), so not sure if he can (or will be allowed) to take more time off for his son staying. It's really confusing and like I say, I don't know what will happen having to look after the two exisiting DCs plus new baby. I need to get past the Easter hols first!

georgi - you're right and I know its inappropriate, I've mentioned it to one or two close friends in RL who think the same. But like I say, DH thinks I'm over-reacting and am holding a grudge against his son to still be concerned about it a year on. They did have words, and I think the reason for it was "dunno" and a shrug. DH and his ex split when SS was very young, he can't really remember them being together, so I don't know if that has any bearing on it.

Yes, I also think he needs professional help. I don't think he sets out to be nasty or naughty, he has issues (I hate that word, but can't think of a better one). But DH won't say anything negative, or suggest counselling to his ex in case she stops access (which she has done before by moving abroad without telling anyone)

I know that sounded awful of me kimi DD is mine from a previous relationship, so I think what I mean to say is that because the 3 of us are more of a family unit on a day to day basis, its difficult when SS comes over in the hols as we're not used to each other. DH has had the time to get to know my DD, and establish a relationship, but I haven't with SS. Does that make sense?

I definitely see your point, I would not be happy if the tables were turned. I would never say to DH his son can't come. But then DD, although she certainly has her moments, isn't violent, sulky and innappropriate.

I really feel for you lucy, especially as DH won't admit there is a problem. I wish I cold suggest something, but as a step parent your powers of intervention are very limited.

I would be very worried and upset about the willy indecent though to the point I would have got out my biggest kitchen scissors and told him if he got it out again I would cut it off!!

I do think some help is needed there. Do you get on with his mother? If the discipline is left to dad and dad just talks to him then it is time to re-think.

Also if you are going to be the main care giver in the holidays then you need to be the one disciplining him and your DH will have to back you. I also think it is not unreasonable to not have him for a few weeks after the birth of your new baby.

..but it's not DSS coming to stay with DH and family, is it? It is DSS coming to live with you all summer and only seeing his Dad at the weekends - is his mother really planning to send him to you for the whole holiday?

One thing is for sure - if he does come and your DH is going to be away, everyone has to be crystal clear on the fact that you are in charge and you discipline DSS and DD in the same way and they live by the same rules.

I am not sure if you ABU or not - clearly DSS has a right to be there and be part of the family, but it doesn't sound workable, especially with the arrival of LO.

"but DH, DD and I are all a very happy family when he?s not around."

And this child is part of your family too and it is up to you all to work to make it still a happy family with all the children there.

My feelings exactly georgi ... any time I suggest something DH says he can't do/say anything in case his ex takes SS away again. I can see why he's worried, but at the same time don't think its fair that he has to 'talk to his son' when required, yet not have any real say in his upbringing.

"I would have got out my biggest kitchen scissors and told him if he got it out again I would cut it off"

LOL... wish I'd thought of that at the time! I was so shocked I didn't know what to say when it happened.

I've never met SS's mother kimi - they live in Ireland and we in England. I've only spoken to her on the phone once for about a minute in the whole time we've been together.

I think a serious conversation with DH is in order... thank you all for your honest opinions and advice, much appreciated. I always feel evil talking about this, so generally avoid the subject in RL, but am grateful to have got some other POVs

note to self, need to type faster

yep, stealthsquiggle, he's here every holiday, all holiday - even at christmas. I will never understand why a mother wants to send her children away at christmas (she has 2 DDs as well that get sent away every holiday too)

Incidently, she doesn't work either. DH and I both work full time, so it would be much easier if we had SS term-time and she had him for hols.

I think as you say, playscheme will be the way to go SGMum, if I can find a cheap one! DH does have parental responsibility, but only in the UK, not in Rep of Ireland, so can't enforce any UK laws.

My children I am afraid to say have played "dinkle" and "bumbum" games a fair amount (especially last year when ds was 8. I think it is a stage rather that necessarily something to get deeply worried about, especially as it is something that hasn't reoccurred. But it does sound as if his behaviour is hard to handle, probably not that surprising as what child wants to be uprooted from his friends and transported to someone else's home for every holiday? Especially if his mum does it every holiday and when he has been bad, and given that the home he is being sent off to is not his in any way (given that your dh is not there most of the time). He must feel very unloved (and probably unlovable). However I guess that's by the by as it seems unlikely that your dh and his mum are likely to be able to have a discussion about putting your DSS's interests first, so you are left to work things through. I think that you do need to talk through how to manage things better with your dh, but I also think you (preferably with his dad) need to talk to your DSS. At 10 he should be able to be involved in rule setting, and there may be things he needs to tell you, that might help in working things out better. Good luck with it. Sounds very tricky. Are you likely to be moving to a single household at some point. I would have thought it would be a bit different if your DSS felt he was staying with his dad perhaps?

If he's staying with you without your DH you have to be able to discipline him or it will be completely unworkable. I don't think YABU to find it all very hard but you must remember he is still a child, he was part of the package you took on, and as such he deserves you to do the very best you can for him. I think you need to put some ground rules in place before he comes which include you being able to discipline him. Sounds like the security of some firm boundaries might do him good.

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. I'd be tearing my hair out at the very thought of him staying with us to be honest.

I feel for you, must be a very difficult situation. I'd insist on tougher, no nonsence discipline from his dad.

Is there any reason why when he comes to stay he couldn't stay with your dh during the week and then come home to you with your dh at weekends? you dh could arrange daytime childcare / playscheme for him while he is at work (and maybe if possible work longer hours during the couple of weeks before he arrives in order to take some flexi time while his ds is staying).

Agree with doobry too

I would not have a willy touching 10 year old staying at my house with my 6 year old daughter, and i would not care who he was related to,if he was dh son, fine dh could see him whenever and whereever he wanted.at 10 this child should knwo it's not right to ask little girls to touch him, I am not saying my attitude is right for everyone, but it would be for me,