to not want DHs 10 yr old son to stay with us for school holidays?

[lucyec]

It always causes loads of stress and arguments before he arrives and when he?s with us. He goes into sulks at the drop of a hat ? which results in him sitting himself on the floor in the corner of the room and pouting; he won?t take any instruction from me (for want of a better word, but basically will only listen to ?rules/discipline? from his Dad) and fights with my DD. He?ll play with her for 5 minutes and when he?s decided he?s had enough will shout at her to go away. Last time he was here he head-butted her when she said something he didn?t like (she?s 6). A year or so ago, he pulled down his trousers and told my DD to touch his willy (she didn?t, and thankfully came and told me straight away). He physically lashes out when he?s cross and I just don?t trust him. The list goes on, but I could ramble on forever about various incidents?

Because of our living arrangements, it wouldn?t mean him not seeing his Dad at all during the hols as DH and I live apart during the week (because of work), so he could stay with DH anyway. The only impact would be that DH and I wouldn?t see each other for nearly a month over Easter.

I?m worried what will happen in the summer ? I?m due to give birth in June, so not looking forward to having to deal with all this as well as a new baby.

I feel I am being unreasonable by blaming the boy for all of this, but DH, DD and I are all a very happy family when he?s not around. I feel like the epitome of an evil step-mother.

Any thoughts?

But the willy touching incident happened a year ago when he was 9 and hasn't happened since dh said something to him has it.

i think this is being blown out of proportions to be honest. He was 9and still is) a child, he has been told it's not appropriate A YEAR AGO and has not done it since.

If it happens again that would be another matter. Just make sure your dd knows that it is wrong if he does this again and to tell you immediately. And if you are concerned about it happeneing again then make sure he is not left on his own with her until you are happy it won't.

Sorry, If the willy touching happened a year ago and not again after his dad spoke to him, I was wrong in what i said.

Thanks all for your replies

Unfortunatley we're not going to be able to live in a single household any time soon. DH is lodging in a couple's house during the week. As I will be out of work shortly, I would feel really mean if I said DSS couldn't stay with me during the holidays as I'll be at home all the time and DH at work - unfortunately his is not the sort of job where he can work flexible hours either. I already feel mean for just feeling like I don't want DSS here Money is going to be very very tight, which is also a big factor.

As was mentioned, I can understand that DSS feels unloved as he is shipped from pillar to post - again emphasising my evil step-mother role for feeling like I don't want him around either.

Re the willy touching, it happened twice that I know about. It may or may not have happened since, but in my paranoia I don't let DSS and DD in the same room alone together enough for it to happen again. DD knew at the time and still knows it's wrong, and I think if they were living together as brother and sister all the time it may not hae concerned me so much.

I really don't know what to do about the whole thing. DH and I had a huge argument about this the other day, he thinks I should be more understanding as DSS has 'issues' especially with lack of respect for female authority. And I don't want to feel so mean and unwelcoming - I know DSS was always 'part of the package' so to speak. But I am worried about being unemployed (and subsequent money problems), with new baby, DH not around much, DD to look after and DSS on top of it all

lucyec - this is all really difficult, on the one hand you do have a duty to your ss - a parental one...and yet on the other you have a new baby on the way.

Do you really mean that you wouldnt leave the dcs in a room together on their own? With the best will in the world this is exactly what you are going to have to do when the baby comes along as you will be marooned on the sofa for a lot of the time and its even harder to discipline a 10 year old boy with issues when you're sitting down and stuck to the spot.

Is there really no way you can change your living arrangements - the whole thing sounds like you are very powerless tbh - sorry if this sounds rude. You really dont have any influence over the way your dh works or the way in which his ex acts in sending over your ss for the whole holiday?

Does your ss even want to be with you and your dh - has anyone ever asked him what he wants?

I tend not to leave the DCs on their own together, but then they don't often want to play together anyway, so it's not a massive problem. DD doesn't seem to like her Barbie games turned into Action Man killing sprees and SS doesn't like DD interfering in anything he does!

You don't sound rude GKS - you're right, I have very little say. It's a long and complicated tale, but originally DD and I moved to live with DH (160 miles, so not round the corner!) but ended up having lots of employment problems and on medication for depression. A good job came up back 'home' closer to my friends and family, so DH and I agreed that I should take it. At the time his company was having a few problems and it looked like he would leave it and move to live with DD and I. However, now the company is back to normal and DH refuses to leave his "career". I don't want to leave my friends/family, not to mention up-rooting DD from school etc again - we have a support network here, DD gets to do lots more activities than before and her school is much better. The general area is much nicer and safer.

I don't think anyone's ever asked DSS what he wants. Like I said, his mum ships him off at any given opportunity. I think he's coming to an age where he's not going to want to leave his mates all holiday (if he doesn't already feel like that) and stay with us.

And now we're adding a new baby into this mess, I feel especially selfish to have gotten pregnant. I don't know if me not wanting DSS to stay is me trying to exert the little bit of control I have left?

I'm really not sure why you are feeling selfish. Desperate maybe! The selfish person here is really your dh, but blended families are notoriously difficult to get right. Maybe ringing something like Parentline, or posting on the Step-parents part of the board might give you some ideas as to how to make things work better?

lucyec, I have no experience of step children so can't offer much advice.
But it strikes me that your dh doesn't seem to understand how difficult a position you are in, and if you could, together, go for some counseling and talk through the issues it may help. An outsider may get him to see things more clearly, and you could come up with a plan for the future and how your lives will take shape, including how your dss will fit into the family.
You need to have authority over a child in your care, and your dh needs to support you in your dealings with his son.
You are in a very tough position, and need to sort something out before the baby comes. Good luck.

TBH i think YABU simply because you are an adult and your SS is a child . Try to imagine back to when you were 10 ,your parents split up ,your mum couldnt cope with you and shipped you off at every given opportunity ,your dad found a new woman ,who had another child and then had the audacity to have another and who clearly doesnt like you and you HAVE to spend time with her and her barbie loving DD . How about you contact your SS and ask him what he would like to do for a special day for just you and him ? tell him you know how difficult it is to spend time with a 6yr old girl and organise a special day out with him ,doing boy stuff . If you make the effort now ,you will be repaid tenfold in the future .Yes it is hard and yes he will drive you up the wall ,but as a child he at least deserves a chance at your affections ,doesnt he