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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feeel angy that 3 adults (dh and pil) pinned my 3 yo ds1 down and forced him in pjamas

51 replies

Sails · 16/03/2009 21:09

I was upstairs putting ds2 to bed. I'd said that ds1 could watch his fave programme (sky + planner) when his pjs were on. Thought nothing more of it ds2 "said his goodnights" and up he went. Next thing he knew all hell was breaking loose downstairs ds1 was refusing to get in his pjs and dh and pil decided to pin him down and force them on. You'd never heard such a commotion and he was hysterical. I was so imo it was so unnecessary. Dh just said ds is always like this when he's tired! He was fine moments earlier and he'd slept for half an hour in his pushchair earlier and he is not usually like that! Still 24 hours later!

OP posts:

Mamii · 16/03/2009 21:39

I'd be really angry if it were me. Fine if DH took charge and was making sure that DS wasn't getting away with not doing as he was asked or having a tantrum. That would be reasonable to "insist" that DS gets in his PJ's.
3 adults holding him down to do it isn't right and I'd give all 3 of them a piece of my mind if it were me.
IMHO, no - you're not unreasonable and they should have been more responsible.

HeadFairy · 16/03/2009 21:40

ds is sometimes a bit of a rotter about getting in to his pjs but I can manage to wrestle dress him myself without anyone else's help and he's very strong when he wants to be.

Original poster

Sails · 16/03/2009 21:46

I just think it was totally ott and not something worth making such an issue either he's even slept in his tshirts before now! Aslong as he had his pullup on (he's not dry at night) whats the issue. Dh knows this too. Dh has been doing rather too much of this lately imo too last week it was forcing him to bath regardless last night getting in pjs....

OP posts:

TinkerBellesMumandFiFi2 · 16/03/2009 22:07

I'd be angry too. I'm often angry at my OH and dad because they get wound up with Tink. She's like me and feeds on emotions, if you stay normal with her she will calm down quickly. I find the only time she needs multiple people to hold her down or do something is when she's nebulised and she goes from being out of it to being rabid as soon as she hears it go on. I've had her lying on Dad's lap with a male nurse and male doctor all trying to hold her still so she can get it - last time she had it constantly for three days, it was exhausting!

It's one thing with a sick child but to do that to a child because they won't put their PJs on is not on. "You don't want them on? OK bed time it is then" in a normal voice (oh and not "you can have some chocolate if you put your PJs on" that my dad does, he still hasn't leant from three kids of his own that he is asking the child to be naughty!)

Original poster

Sails · 16/03/2009 22:41

I agree Tink! Medical things is one thing but pjs? Total madness and utterly unecessary imo!

OP posts:

edam · 16/03/2009 22:43

that's horrible.

2rebecca · 16/03/2009 22:47

I would turn the TV off and go upstairs with the child for bedtime story. Then teeth cleaned and if child doesn't want pyjamas then they can be naked if they wish. This is Scotland though so that's rarely a popular option. Pyjamas are usually put on after a bath anyway though, unless they've been swimming during the day. It sounds as though you were lacking a bedtime routine.
I would never try changing a child in front of the TV. You get them upstairs first.
I would have just turned the TV off if the deal was he could only watch the TV in pyjamas. No pyjamas, no TV. Easy. He can go straight to bed if he wants. 3 adults forcing him into pyjamas sounds odd. 1 adult could have carried him upstairs to bed.

2rebecca · 16/03/2009 22:50

I think sails that if you said he could watch the TV when his pyjamas were on then you should stick to that. If I had said that and my kids refused to go upstairs and get changed the TV would be turned off and they would be upstairs with no TV. TV isn't a good thing to wind down to anyway. I'm a bath and story fan.

Original poster

Sails · 16/03/2009 22:51

He didn't have a bath last night (another issue) and was allowed to watch tv as a sunday night gps visiting thing iyswim well that had been the idea! Also our bathroon is downstairs unfortunately as we live in an old house.

OP posts:

Hawkmoth · 16/03/2009 22:53

I'd be cross. My 3yo has massive tantrums and gets airlifted to her room and the door shut for a minute. She would find it funny to have three people with their full attention on her.

Holding down is a bit over the top, but people do see tantrums as a personal challenge. Being a bad mother I like to leave mine screaming behind a baby gate so I can laugh in secret! She always comes round in a couple of minutes.

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2009 22:55

I think it's a bit much for 3 adults to hold a child down and force him to do something that isn;t really a very big deal.

2rebecca · 16/03/2009 22:59

It sounds as though you and your husband have to agree on a bedtime routine for your son. I've found a daily bath helpful as a winding down thing for kids, and it makes changing them into nightclothes easier. Toddlers tend to run around and get grubby anyway.
I think with children if you say "you can do x after you have done y" you have to stick with that. If you don't intend sticking to the pyjamas thing then why mention them in the first place. Children do need to know that their parents mean what they say. If they know that at 3 it saves trouble when they are 10.

slowreadingprogress · 16/03/2009 23:09

I would be really angry.

Three adults in a room with a three year old ought to be able to engage at least ONE brain cell and think their way round the problem.

All 3 to be defeated by a three year old into using force for this is pathetic.

I'd be SO cross.

ChippingIn · 16/03/2009 23:23

Sails - YANBU. I'd be annoyed if it took force for anyone to get my 3yo's jammies on, but I have a tone of voice (and IF I had to use force, that would be ok... ) but not 3 adults FFS.

Did we have a discussion re your DH the other week?? (RE: you not going on a day out that you planned? Or am I confusing you with someone else??).

You need to talk to your DH about your 'differing' parenting skills and get him to see that his are crap there are other ways to get a child to do as they are told and agree on a few things that are important/not important (Pj's/Baths/appropriate clothing).

Bigpants1 · 17/03/2009 00:42

YANBU.What was your dh thinking of?It would be one thing him putting ds pjs on, but to allow another 2 adults to be involved in process as well, is madness,thoughtless and cruel-how would he feel being pinned down by 3 people much bigger than him and forced to change his clothes?Pjs dont matter, neither does having a bath every day,(i thought wet-wipes were invented for this).I agree with others in that you and dh seem to have different parenting styles.It seems that he is seeing your ds tantrums as a power struggle which he has to win-in a calm moment, explain your ds sons behaviour is normal and much better for him to walk away/count to 10/put ds in another room if he is feeling frustated by his behaviour.I think you need to say what you feel is acceptable way of dealing with your ds and mean it. I dont mean to imply your dh doesnt love your ds-he just seems impatient, and you need to be sure, if he is looking after your ds he wont do anything to make you feel uncomfortable.He should make it clear to his parents that is a situation that should not happen again-you and he will deal with your ds.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 17/03/2009 07:13

Sounds like they need to pick the fights they have with the DC. Does it really matter if your DS1 didn't want his PJ's on. It should have been no pj's no tv and up to bed in his pj's.

The amount of times DD has been put to bed in whatever she was wearing, either because she had fallen asleep on the way home or because she was tired and gets into hysterics at the sight of her pj's. DH and I don't care she can go to bed in her clothes lol.

YANBU, sounds like your DH felt the need to do it as his dad was there.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 17/03/2009 07:13

that should read, and up to bed in his CLOTHES not pj's

cory · 17/03/2009 07:19

I think it completely depends on how close your ds is to your PIL. I as a parent would happily have forced either of mine into clothes and have done so on many occasions. So has ds and it hasn't worried me one bit. Even with an hysterical child (dd got hysterical on the slightest provocation).

If he knows your PIL really well shouldn't be a problem. If he doesn't know him all that well I think he should have stayed out of it- after all one adult should be able to deal even with a very hysterical 3yo. I used to be able to do that with a 9yo.

Agree with everybody else- your dh must be quite a whimp.

belgo · 17/03/2009 07:25

As a parent, you need to choose your battles, because there are plenty of them.

Does it really matter if a child goes to bed in their day clothes rather then pj?

My dd2 is three and every night for the past three weeks or so has gone to bed wearing day clothes. It's just a phase, and a rather convenient one as it makes the mornings a lot less rushed.

DontlookatmeImshy · 17/03/2009 08:53

YANBU at all. I'd go balistic if i was you.

I've had a similar issue with my mum trying to force ds's to put clothes on once when he was already wound up, and had my dad in the background nagging at him as well.

I ended up having to tell them to back off Once he'd calmed down and someone (me)explained to him reasonably that if he didn't put his clothes on he wouldn't be able to go out. 2 minutes later, hey presto, one dressed ds.

DS sometimes wants his pj's on, sometimes he doesn't, his choice. Certainly not something that warrants three adult holding him down. Totally OTT imo.

Lindenlass · 17/03/2009 08:57

YANBU I would have been abolutely livid . They need to learn to pick their battles FFS!

Mind you, I don't think you should have bribed him in the first place - always causes problems IME! What does it matter what they wear to bed? It's only cultural convention that makes us change our clothes for bed, and comfort - if he's comfy then who cares what it is? Mine have gone to bed in dressing up clothes before now! . Sometimes we change them when they're fast asleep.

messymissy · 17/03/2009 09:17

You are def not being unreasonable ! I would hit the roof!

3 adults applying force to a child - what kind of people are these? over PJ's for goodness sake? What lesson are they trying to teach him? that force always wins out, that the bigger you are the more you can push others about. Surely with 3 adult brains they could have come up with a calmer solution for getting PJs on a child - not exactly rocket science is it?!! do they really lack so much social skills and imagination? A wee bit of distraction and getting child to help usually works for me.

As i said, I would hit the roof. makes me livid just thinking of it!

ThingOne · 17/03/2009 17:51

Definitely NBU. I would be livid too. I'd be quite happy to follow through no PJs no TV but not for three adults to pin a 3 year old down. Huge over-reaction on their behalf. No wonder he was upset.

screamingabdab · 17/03/2009 18:24

Chippingin I think you might be right about the old thread. Will see if i can find it

screamingabdab · 17/03/2009 18:37

Sails remembered your old thread. I quite understand if you don't want to talk about that again, but it seems to be related. How did you resolve it?

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