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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask about money

33 replies

Aeschylus · 16/03/2009 16:36

Hey,

me and my better half decided after many months of conversation that I (The Dad) would give up work to look after our son. I appreciate it say "mumsnet" but I am hoping you wont mind a question from a full time dad.

Anyway, I am quite frugal, or many other words I have heard people call it, I simply dont spend money, in the last fortnight I have spent £1.60 on a portion of chips, and I moaned at that!!

so my wife point blank refuses to have a joint account, or let me see her statements, as she feels it will simply cause arguments, I have offered on many occasions to do her budget for her, but she just gets upset and says unless she goes overdrawn there is not an issue.

I struggle with that, why she can not save for a rainy day, I know how much she gets paid, and I know our monthly outgoings. and whilst we certainly dont have as much money since I had to leave work, we are not scraping around for pennies, but whenever I ask at the month end how much money she has, she is always down to the last £50 quid or so, I just dont know where it goes.

is it worth the argument that will be started if I push this, as she does get very defensive and upset as I am sure she feels I am attacking her, which I am not, but is it wrong if you see money gone out on a statement to ask why it has been spent.

when we have argued about it before, she has sais that if I moan at her once about buying things, she will never tell me about her money again.

I just can not see a way through this?

It might be me being completeley unreasonable, I would appreciate some advice

can I just add, I trust her implicitly, there is nothing sinister here, I just think she waste money like mad.

OP posts:
compo · 16/03/2009 16:38

why don't you have a joint account?
does she give you spending money from her wages then?

Original poster
Aeschylus · 16/03/2009 16:40

I have asked for a joint account, but she feels I will constantley question her on why she has spent money.

I do get a 100 quid a month, which see pays into my account from hers

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 16/03/2009 16:42

It sounds like you will constantly question her about what she spends money on though. And that will cause arguments.

You're not short of money as a family, it sounds like. So, why not just ask her for £100 or whatever is reasonable, at the beginning of each month to put into an ISA or something.

compo · 16/03/2009 16:42

so you have £100 spending money, do you know how much she has? do you get the child benefit or does she?
I found it bizarre all this his money, her money stuff

WinkyWinkola · 16/03/2009 16:42

And you sound beyond frugal to me and that would drive me mad too.

Tee2072 · 16/03/2009 16:43

I think she's right. If you are asking her, a grown woman, to account for every penny she spends, then I wouldn't agree to a joint account either.

My DH and I do have a joint account. We also have a deal, anything over £50 we discuss. Everything else, is fair game.

It sounds to me like you want her to list every latte and portion of chips. That would annoy me very much.

I think you need to relax. So long as the bills are paid and you have food to eat and a roof over your head, what's the big deal?

Summerfruit · 16/03/2009 16:43

Oh dear..The 100 pounds are for you only or does it includes the children as well ?

compo · 16/03/2009 16:44

if you have only spent 1.60 on some chips in the last fortnight how are you entertaining your son? I take it you don't drive so have no petrol costs. don't you take him out on the bus, or is it all park park and more park

HecatesTwopenceworth · 16/03/2009 16:45

you could always say that you are very unhappy with the situation, and if you can't find another way, then you will have to consider going back to employment, so you can bring your own income into the family. Perhaps this will make her reconsider?

paddingtonbear1 · 16/03/2009 16:46

don't worry about it being called mumsnet, we welcome dads as well
dh and I do have a joint account, all our money is joint. I normally keep track online but dh can look it up as well. Money does unfortunately have a habit of 'just disappearing' sometimes, unless you are good at budgeting (not me), but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask. does your wife give you spending money, do you have your own account? dh and I used to have separate accounts for a while but I don't know how we'd make it work now!

cat64 · 16/03/2009 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nuttygirl · 16/03/2009 16:47

We work it by having a joint account for monthly bills, a joint savings account which we pay enough into to cover yearly bills, then we each have our own accounts. We're free to spend money from our own accounts as we wish, the joint accounts are for the things we've budgeted for (includes food, petrol, etc.).

Dh would never think to question everything I'd bought, he usually looks bored when I tell him . I certainly wouldn't question him on what he'd bought either.

Strawbezza · 16/03/2009 16:50

Sounds like something from the 1950's.

If she gets defensive when you question her about money, I'd say draw your own conclusions. She's hiding something, but it doesn't sound like she's got a gambling problem or anything like that, probably just a fondness for handbags and shoes!

If this matters to you, you need to tell her why.

As a matter of interest, does she buy literally everything in person for the family? Does she do all the food shopping etc because you haven't got access to her account?

paddingtonbear1 · 16/03/2009 16:51

aha, my typing is slow as ever
I would only object if it was me, if I thought dh would question everything I spent. Big stuff yes, fair enough but not down to every tenner.

paddingtonbear1 · 16/03/2009 16:53

cat64's arrangement sounds good - if you don't go for everything joint, that is a good middle ground?

TrillianAstra · 16/03/2009 16:55

If you have given up work to look after your DS then I think you should have equal spending money.

And that doesn't include house-related or child-related costs.

Can you have a joint account just for bills, household stuff, food, stuff for DS? This means that you can take care of the bills and food shopping etc so your wife doesn't need to. Then can she transfer an amount to your account for spending money, and keep the same amount in her account for her spending money? That way you won't know what she is doing with 'her' money, so she won't feel that you are checking up on her, but it is more fair.

Hmm, you should probably include a portion going ot a savings account too if you can afford it.

ilovetochat · 16/03/2009 16:56

she works, you are sahd, once all bill are paid you should have the same amout each and then could choose to save yours if you wish and she can spend hers with no questions from you.

TrillianAstra · 16/03/2009 16:56

Or I could have just typed: do what cat64 says

beanieb · 16/03/2009 16:57

Do you feel like you are missing out on things, that she is spending 'your' money on frivoous things? If your agreement was that the wages she earned would be joint income then it does seem odd that she would effectively ban you from seeing the accounts. Most SAHM's seem to have some kind of reponsibility for the household finances (though admittedly not all) so it is a little strange that she seems to be keeping them from you.

you say "when we have argued about it before, she has sais that if I moan at her once about buying things, she will never tell me about her money again" this I find particularly weird unless you have some kind of awful tendancy to question her about every little thing.

As hecate says, would you consider getting a job so that you have your own finances, or wuld that have a massive impact on the childcare?

OhBling · 16/03/2009 16:59

I don't think you should be questioning her on her spending money, but if you were a SAHM and your husband was giving you a measly £100 while he swanned around, that would be different.

I think her point that she shouldn't have to justify spending to you is valid. But... if the household bills - including saving for a rainy day - aren't being met, then you hvae the right to ask some questins.

if she wants to keep "her" money seperate, fine, but just because you're at home with the kids doesn't mean you don't have a say in household finances.

MrsSeanBean · 16/03/2009 19:32

Nothing wrong with encouraging her/both of you to save - or save more. I would focus on setting up a direct debit into a savings account, in joint names perhaps.

PlumBumMum · 16/03/2009 19:40

But its not her money, its both of yours, if you have given up work to look after your ds

Everyone has said it, but really a joint account is the way to go for all bills and if she feels she needs her own money then an agreed amount put into a seperate account every month for that

Thankyouandgoodnight · 16/03/2009 19:43

It depends why you are asking - it sounds like there's some history here which is why your wife reacts as she does.

I think that if you as a family want to save then you need to sit down and discuss how much per month you can afford to put in to a savings account. I would reccomend asking her to come up with the sum first rather than pick away at her spendings to identify a figure yourself.

It doesn't matter what either party spends or doesn't spend as long as the bills are paid, your son is cared for, there is food on the table etc etc and any pre agreed monthly savings and spending money for each party is kept. Other than that I would absolutely not question anything - it is so invasive and makes one feel like they're having to explain something to their mother - it's rather insulting somehow.

nomoreamover · 16/03/2009 19:45

If she has more than £100 "spare" each month to spend then YANBU she is and you need to get her to see that.

If she only has £100 for herself also then really it is non of your business what she buys - its her £100 to do with as she wills IYKWIM.

MOre info needed re how much money she has in comparison to you tbh for sensible advice!

trixymalixy · 16/03/2009 19:47

It would really piss me off not having sight of the family finances.

You agreed jointly that you would stay at home. It is joint money and YANBU to want a joint account.

We have a joint account that all bills come out off and then we each have a separate account for our own money. We work it so we both have the same amount of disposable income after all bills are paid.

That way she can spend her bit on whatever she likes.