To ask about money

[Aeschylus]

Hey,

me and my better half decided after many months of conversation that I (The Dad) would give up work to look after our son. I appreciate it say "mumsnet" but I am hoping you wont mind a question from a full time dad.

Anyway, I am quite frugal, or many other words I have heard people call it, I simply dont spend money, in the last fortnight I have spent £1.60 on a portion of chips, and I moaned at that!!

so my wife point blank refuses to have a joint account, or let me see her statements, as she feels it will simply cause arguments, I have offered on many occasions to do her budget for her, but she just gets upset and says unless she goes overdrawn there is not an issue.

I struggle with that, why she can not save for a rainy day, I know how much she gets paid, and I know our monthly outgoings. and whilst we certainly dont have as much money since I had to leave work, we are not scraping around for pennies, but whenever I ask at the month end how much money she has, she is always down to the last £50 quid or so, I just dont know where it goes.

is it worth the argument that will be started if I push this, as she does get very defensive and upset as I am sure she feels I am attacking her, which I am not, but is it wrong if you see money gone out on a statement to ask why it has been spent.

when we have argued about it before, she has sais that if I moan at her once about buying things, she will never tell me about her money again.

I just can not see a way through this?

It might be me being completeley unreasonable, I would appreciate some advice

can I just add, I trust her implicitly, there is nothing sinister here, I just think she waste money like mad.

It's interesting to compare this with threads where the mother stays at home - there's often lots more instant outrage at the lack of joint accounts! I work p/t, and we have a joint account for bills, managed so that we each have equal spending money after bills and savings are worked out. Seems equitable to me, and it's what we'd do if I didn't work - we're a family, after all.

I like having my own a/c mostly so dh can't see if I've bought him a present, and so it feels like it's come from me iyswim. However, dh and I have very similar attitudes to money, which makes this easy. You do need to find a way to talk about this, as the situation doesn't seem fair or comfortable right now.

See, I just don't understand how people manage for money when they stay at home. This typifies the whole situation.

It doesn't sound reasonable to be given a monthly allowance of £100. This seems like it deprives you from any say in household expenditure. In fact, it seems blardy ridiculous.

But equally there is no way I would ever let my husband see my current account. He spends nothing per month and I spend £££. He would tut at me. Probably frown too. He would be horrified at what I spend on shoes and handbags. He would be aghast at my book-buying habit. He'd die a thousand deaths if he saw my coffee/drinks/lunch bills. Oh no, that just won't do at all.

So here's my compromise.

1. Your DW pays her salary into a joint account
2. You work out a family budget for household expenditure. You both agree to it. It will include savings. You revise it and update it as required. This is all paid for from the joint account.
3. You EACH have a direct debit from the joint account into your individual accounts. You EACH get to spend your allowance on beer and fags and dancing girls.

Or whatever takes your fancy.

If this were a woman here talking about her husband I'm sure some of the responses would be very different.

I think that several of the suggestions where by you have a joint account and then separate is a great idea and I hope you msanage to sort something.

BTW I think your wife is being very unreasonable.

Really tricky one, this.

On the one hand, what you are saying sounds so reasonable that I can't think why I feel so uncomfortable with it.

On the other hand, my dh goes through our joint bank account statements and quizzes me on every penny, and I can understand why it could get on someone's nerves, and why they would want to avoid it.

Personally I feel that money coming into a family where one person looks after the kids is joint money, not 'mine' and 'yours', so in principle I completely agree with you.

I would worry if you kept going on and on about it though.

Hmm this is a toughy.

In our house DH "works/employed" full time, and gets a full time wage, I "work" as a sahm full time. I get our ebenifts paid into my account, his wages go into his. Bill money goes into one account, he keeps some aside for himself, amount varys depending on what we know is coming up that month for personal spending and the rest goes into a joint savings account, which we both have access to. If i need money for the kids, or myself i take it from their if i need to, and so does he. otherwise it stays as savings.

MY Dh is very much like you though and will question what has been spent sometimes, even though i spend much less.

I think if your bills are in order, your children are well looked after and you don't live beyond your means, then thats all that matters. But i suspect your wifes issue is that you will nag her or don't trust her and that your issue is that it annoys you that she can spend what she see's as her money so freely when you would prefer to save some.

You need to find some middle ground because clearly this is bugging you. maybe you could compromise and set down some ground rules, without argueing over it.

Hope you work something out. money is such a stressful subject in a marriage.

We do exactly the same as cat64 (except I am the one with lots of stuff and he has a big pile of savings!) It works really well, as he earns quite a lot and until recently I was SAHM so made no financial contribution. We can both see the joint a/c but not each others personal a/c. We have £200 a month each to do whatever we like with and not have to justify it to the other person.

I agree with TrillianAstra and OhBling

I am a SAHM, and DH works full time, so completely the same situation as OP (sexes reversed). All the money that DH earns is OUR money (apart from the child benifit, which gets put into a separate account for the kids clothing etc, and some of that goes into savings accounts for both of them).

I think it's a bit rich OP is being criticised on here for being frugal. OPs "job" is to care for the kids. Wife's job is to earn the money to facilitate that, and that includes saving for the future. If she is not doing that, then OP has a right to question her!

Agree with all the sensible suggestions about a joint account with (equal) spending money each.

I also agree with Tweetle that the responses would have been more full of outrage if a woman had come on saying her husband gives her £100 a month and she doesn't see or know what happens to the rest of the family income.