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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really p****d off with my stay at home SIL

46 replies

NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:29

Before I start can I just say I am not having a go at stay at home mums, just this one!!!!
Her children are at school, she's young and capable of work but chooses to stay at home every day and is constantly going on about me having another child ( I have one child who is the joy of my life). DH and I work full time in quite senior roles and both commute a long distance. Having DD was tough at times but I had help from grandparents and some flexibility at work which meant we only had to rely on nursery and now after school club part time but if I had another I would have no help so it would be a full time nursery for my child which would break my heart (and purse strings!) I would love another child but can't afford to give up my job or work part time. I am so pissed off with her going on about how tired she is and her saying how relieved she is that she doesn't have to work. All she does when they are at school is shop! What also pisses me off is that she has offered to child mind her sisters child part time so sister can go to work whereas she has never once offered to help with mine. She has no idea what it is like trying to work full time in a demanding role and raise a child too, and it annoys me so much when she says "why don't you have another one". Do you think she is just genuinely pig ignorant or is just being a bitch? (angry)

OP posts:
ButtercupWafflehead · 16/03/2009 13:31

I suspect that it's simply what she talks about.

As a SAHM my only usual topic of conversation is kids.

I know it's sad, but there it is.

thesockmonsterofdoom · 16/03/2009 13:33

I think maybe you are a tad too touchy. doesnt sound like she has done an awful lot wrong to me.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 16/03/2009 13:34

I think that what you are really annoyed about is that she hasn't offered to help you with childcare, because, as you see it, she sits around on her bum all day.

It is hard raising children, one, two, working or not. It's not a competition as to who works the hardest, who sees their children the least, who has the most children. Why do you let her get to you? You have your hardships and she has hers, why would she have any sympathy for you when you clearly have none for her?

Original poster
NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:34

Buttercup - I wish it were but a part of me thinks she is just being unkind knowing full well I want another but refusing to accept the considerations I have.

OP posts:
nametaken · 16/03/2009 13:39

IF she's being unkind, then can you not just avoid her. She's probably the type that, if you were a SAHM and she was a WOHM she'd say something bitchy about not being financially productive.

Ignore.

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 16/03/2009 13:40

She doesnt sound like she is doing or saying anything unreasonable, maybe just a little insenitive

and you say she is young and capable of work, but being a sahm is a full time job, so what are you trying to say? i dont understand your anger towards her its sounds a bit deeper that you are letting on

i am a full time wohm btw, so not sticking up for her, just cant see why your so angry

screamingabdab · 16/03/2009 13:45

nosila

My guess would be that she is simply thoughtless, and it has simply not occurred to her what your challenges are.

Or maybe she is a bitch, I couldn't say from what you've told us

Original poster
NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:47

I admit I am very touchy and sensitive and as broody as hell. It hurts that she doesn't recognise how hard it is sometimes but makes me bloody angry when I say one of the major reasons I can't have any more kids is because I would have no one to help me out and 2 seconds later she is talking about the childcare role she is going to be performing for her sister. Incidentally her brother, my DH feels the same, though not quite as passionately as me of course!!!!

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 16/03/2009 13:48

Get over it.

She may have no idea how difficult your life is but you have no idea about hers either.

Original poster
NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:51

I do actually and it isn't!

OP posts:
Morloth · 16/03/2009 13:52

She has no obligation to help you with your childcare. If she is being unkind about why don't you have another one then way don't you say upfront that you don't want to talk about it with her.

I am young, healthy with one child in school, fully qualified in a great field and choose not to work. Why not? Everyone is much happier when I don't work (especially me). I don't feel guilty. I quit work when DS started school because I wanted to be at the school gates at the end of the day.

Her life has no bearing on your life.

nametaken · 16/03/2009 13:54

Ah, so you think that because she is providing childcare for her sister, she should provide you with childcare to enable you to have another child ?

If you would use your SIL for childcare, why not use a childminder and have another one?

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 13:55

This is your issue, not hers

It is entirely up to her if she chooses to look after her sister's child and not yours

Have you actually asked her if she would consider child minding for you should you go on to have a second baby? Maybe she sees you as completely self-sufficient and has no idea that you would wish her to help look after your child. How would she know that you wouldn't consider a f/t nursery place, for instance?

screamingabdab · 16/03/2009 13:56

You seem to be almost saying that you can't have another child because of her! No wonder you feel angry, if this is the way you have chosen to see it.

Have you asked her to help you before?

VinegarTitsCoveredinChocolate · 16/03/2009 13:57

Its sounds like you are blaming her for not being able to have another child, which is ridiculus and you know it, did you ask her to help with childcare? maybe she assumes you dont need the help, and is helping her sister, because she asked her too

You sound very bitter, its not very healthy for you

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 13:57

Sorry I just think all this venom directed towards her because she has a choice that you feel you don't have = totally unfair on her

Because she has nothing to do all day except shop she should look after your kid???

nametaken · 16/03/2009 13:58

There are some strange women on MN today. I'd have thought that this lovely sunshine would put everyone in a good mood.

Aparently not.

Lulumama · 16/03/2009 13:59

you are more cross she is not bending over backwards to make your life easier? and why should she look after your children so you can have more?? what if she wants more children?

you don;t want to put a child in full time nursery, that is not your SILs problem or fault

you say you cannot afford to give up work, that is not her fault either

can you look at a mortgage holiday/going interest only? a sabbatical? cutting outgoings at all.. no-one can really affford to ahve children, but if you want to have more children, you cannot rely on SIl picking up up the slack re childcare

i would not want to look after someone elses child full time because i felt obliged to, or they felt i should

why don;t you tell her how difficutl it is ,rather than seething quietly??

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 13:59

nametaken it's pissing down where I am

not relevant though

Original poster
NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:59

Morloth, I would quit work too and would be positively giddy with joy (!!!!) but can't afford to as I am the major breadwinner in family.

Will try not to talk about it but it seems to be the only thing she can talk about! Oh well only a few years until menopause and then we'll have to find something else to discuss!!!!

OP posts:
nametaken · 16/03/2009 14:00

LOL at doggiesayswoof

smallorange · 16/03/2009 14:01

I think this is more about you than about her.
You sound very resentful of her life. She's nmaybe just trying to make conversation!

Maybe if you talked to her a bit about why you feel you cannot have a second child, you may find her quite sympathetic.

Maybe by saying she is glad she doesn't work, she is acknowledging that working and raising a child is tough - maybe there is a compliment in there somewhere.

Maybe she just thinks you don't want another child. If you explained why it would be difficult, she may offer to help. WOuld she be a bitch then?

Niecie · 16/03/2009 14:02

YABU

She doesn't know what your life is like but you don't know what hers is like either, not really.

Have you explained to her that you can't afford another child or do you just expect her to know? It could be that she is being a bit insensitive if she does know about what you have to deal with but I don't think she is being bitchy, not from what you have said.

Maybe she hasn't offered to child mind for you part time as you haven't needed her to. Perhaps she thought you had it all sorted, which you did.

I honestly don't see she is being either pig ignorant or bitchy. I think you need to stop taking it all so personally and sort yourself out if you want another child. You should be blaming somebody else or expecting them to come to your rescue and solve all your problems.

Dingbatgirl · 16/03/2009 14:02

So she's a sahm who has an easy life, shops all day while the children are at school, while you are working full time and finding everything tough going. I bet you feel like asking her to swap lives with you for a week and see how she likes it!!

We are all only human, I think you are projecting your frustrations onto her, I have been irritated at people before for similar reasons, like my friend going on about how she spent 4 hours lounging around (when our dc were babies) while I never got a minute to myself! Like my friend, your SIL probably doesn't realise she's getting your back up. I think she does sound a little insensitive, does she realise why you can't have another baby?

She probably feels an obligation to her sister and is closer to her than to your husband, and that's why she doesn't offer to help?

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 14:03

I'm the main breadwinner too. The only way we could have another baby was my DH giving up work. Which he did. Or rather his contract came to an end and he didn't look for another job.