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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really p****d off with my stay at home SIL

46 replies

NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 13:29

Before I start can I just say I am not having a go at stay at home mums, just this one!!!!
Her children are at school, she's young and capable of work but chooses to stay at home every day and is constantly going on about me having another child ( I have one child who is the joy of my life). DH and I work full time in quite senior roles and both commute a long distance. Having DD was tough at times but I had help from grandparents and some flexibility at work which meant we only had to rely on nursery and now after school club part time but if I had another I would have no help so it would be a full time nursery for my child which would break my heart (and purse strings!) I would love another child but can't afford to give up my job or work part time. I am so pissed off with her going on about how tired she is and her saying how relieved she is that she doesn't have to work. All she does when they are at school is shop! What also pisses me off is that she has offered to child mind her sisters child part time so sister can go to work whereas she has never once offered to help with mine. She has no idea what it is like trying to work full time in a demanding role and raise a child too, and it annoys me so much when she says "why don't you have another one". Do you think she is just genuinely pig ignorant or is just being a bitch? (angry)

OP posts:

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 16/03/2009 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GrapefruitMoon · 16/03/2009 14:06

Maybe she just feels (from her perspective) that having siblings is lovely and she is just concerned that your dc will miss out. Maybe she doesn't realise you can't afford another one or thinks you could afford another one with a change in lifestyle? Obviously it is none of her business though... but have you actually explained to her why not or do you just fob her off?

I know you said you are not having a go at sahm's but having done both I would say it is no easier to be a sahm in terms of tiredness, etc, especially if you factor in more children...

Original poster

NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 14:08

Whilst I'm reeling from some of your comments (ouch) it is helping me to see things a bit differently. Maybe I am comparing too much, may be I am projecting my disappointment and looking for a target.

Still think she's bloody insensitive though!!! :}

OP posts:

ThingOne · 16/03/2009 14:09

Are you jealous of her? It's not her fault she's chosen to stay at home and you have chosen to carry on a demanding career. It's your decision. Why feel cross at other people because they have chosen to do things a different way?

Lots of people have no family help with childcare. It's a bugger but it's how it is.

Original poster

NosilaFfodrot · 16/03/2009 14:11

I'm going to stop emailing soon but the reason why I think/thought she was being bitchy because I have explained how hard it would be and told her my reasons but she still keeps going on about it and that makes me think she is trying to rub my nose in it. Don't hit me with the paranoia thang!!!!

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 14:11

Nosila what a gracious post - you're taking this in very good part.

I hope everyone notices your latest post and you don't carry on being bashed over the head

MrsMattie · 16/03/2009 14:13

YABU and obsessive about somebody else's choice in life.

Oh, and get back to work, woman!

rookiemater · 16/03/2009 14:13

YABU.

I do agree that its a tad rude to go on at people about having more than one DC as there are many reasons why this could be and not something that you have to share with everyone.

However in this case I do think you need to be honest and tell her why you are not trying for any more children at the minute and how you feel about this. Primarily because if you don't explain to her in a measured fashion then its all going to come out in a less helpful way when you feel you have had enough.

Don't ask or expect her to offer childcare. Yes it would be nice if she would, but its really up to your DH as the blood relative to have that conversation if you feel you want to go down that road ( and tbh I don't think it would be a great idea, you seem to have a pretty different character to your SIL so to have her involved in your childcare is just setting yourself up for trouble)

GrapefruitMoon · 16/03/2009 14:16

Maybe you need to ask her why she still goes on about it when you have already explained why?

Doodle2U · 16/03/2009 14:16

Tell her to mind her own business and you mind yours.

screamingabdab · 16/03/2009 14:17

nosila. We have been very blunt with you, and I am sorry because that's not nice to hear. But I think we have been very consistent and can only judge by what you have told us.

Reading your last post, I see that she is perhaps being insensitive at best.

All the best

jumpingbeans · 16/03/2009 14:20

Perhaps she just don't like you, I could not stand my sil, and noway would i have helped her out with childcare, she never did anything to me to warrent it, i just did'nt like her.

GetOrfMoiLand · 16/03/2009 14:26

I don't get your point when you say that you long to have another baby but would find it (a) too expensive to fork out for a nursery and (b) a wrench to leave your baby there.

However, if SIL would offer to look after said baby that would be OK? So SIL would be doing this for free then, and although you think SIL is a pig ignorant and/or a bitch, you would be happier to leave a baby there rather than a nursery?

Plus do you realise that SIL has picked up on the way you feel about her, and that may be why she does not offer to help?

YABU.

Dingbatgirl · 16/03/2009 14:50

Nosila, we all have a rant sometimes, you are only human. Good luck, you've been very gracious.

mumeeee · 16/03/2009 22:48

YABU. How do you know is all she does all day is shop?

slowreadingprogress · 16/03/2009 23:20

nosila, I do understand where you're coming from absolutely. DH and I would have had the same problem if we'd had a second child. Would have had to have used FT Nursery and simply couldn't have borne it. We really felt we didn't have the option of a second.

And no we don't have a 'lifestyle'! In fact to have ds we downsized from a 3 to a 2 bed house, we run a ten year old car so DH can get to work, no holidays.....and we're in professional jobs. Bought at the top of the market I guess and pay a big mortgage for a small house.

Anyway, I understand exactly where you're coming from and I'm not at all surprised you feel the way you do about your SIL

however i do think the only thing you can do is put a full stop to any comparing of lives. It simply won't help and will drive you slowly mad.

Concentrate on the joys and bonuses of your own life if you can, which sound many

DandyLioness · 16/03/2009 23:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sleepyeyes · 17/03/2009 08:47

You sound a bit green eyed to me. YABU.

moondog · 17/03/2009 08:51

Good God, what's she done wrong?
Poor woman!
Just because you can't/won't use paid childcare, yuo blame her.
Thank God yuo have a choice.Most of the world doesn't.
Get a grip.

messymissy · 17/03/2009 08:55

Yep, i think you would find the situation less stressful if you think about it like your SIL really doesn't know how the other half live. My sil is also a sahm with 2 kids in private school less than 5 mins walk away, she has a cleaner 2 days a week, gardner 1 day a week and her dh does the ironing! she genuinely feels she can't cope without all this help. the children are often late to school!!!!!! its 5 mins down the road!!!!!

she has lived on a rarified cloud for such a long time she just does not see that other people have a harder time.

so pat yourself on the back for coping with a full time job and being a mum and doing a good job at that. Tell yourself you are capable and be proud of it.

dont stress that she has offered her sister help. she may just see you as coping really well. If you have never asked for help she may feel you don;t need any.

Madmentalbint · 17/03/2009 09:03

I'm afraid that you do sound jealous to me. She has made her choices and you've made yours. I'm a SAHM mostly (doing some p/t voluntary work for the family business) with school age children and I'm sick of people assuming that I have nothing better to do than mop up their childcare problems. Of course I don't mind helping out friends/family when they need me, but I do get irritated when they imply I've nothing better to do. I have working friends who always moan about how easy I have it, but then I don't have the disposable income they have.

Sorry, but YABU.

Can you consider changing your lifestyle to allow you to stay at home with a baby? Good luck.

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