Don't know how to deal with this 'friendship' please advise

[cardy]

This is a bit long please bear with me.

I have been quite good friends with a mum at school for a few years (our daughters are best friends). We have done quite a lot with our dds together and have had a few nights out etc? However over the past year I have become increasingly frustrated with her and feel taken for granted. I have helped her out quite a lot looking after her dds, often at the last minute because she ?is running late? or ?something has cropped up?. She offers to do the same but it?s always last minute when I?ve usually got something else planned. She is very disorganised. She doesn?t work but is always late to school for drop off and pick up.

Anyway here are some examples of things that have really started to get to me.
Invited me and dh round for drinks then cancelled last minute giving no reason (when we?ve arranged babysitter etc); We invited her and her dh for dinner with other friends (arranged in Jan for end Feb). She told me the day before she couldn?t come because it was her dad?s birthday. She also does a couple of other ?weird? things ? I introduce her to my friends and their dds and she arranges invites/nights out but doesn?t include me; she suggests sleepovers to my dds when I?ve already said we?ve got other things planned but they end up getting upset when I say no. This all quite difficult to articulate, I really feel I am being manipulated but don?t know how to deal with it.

The last straw came yesterday when her dd2 (my dds best friend) didn?t turn up for my dd?s birthday party. The invite had been sent and rsvp to weeks ago, she mentioned it to me last week. it was a teddy bear making party and they couldn?t start until all the children were there> After half an hour I phoned, her dh answered and said she had gone away for a week (with dd3) and hadn?t mentioned the party to him. He said he would bring dd2 straight away, we hung on and 15 minutes later he called and said they had other plans and wouldn?t be coming?weird. My dd was upset, the party was running 40 minutes late and I paid £13 for a child that didn?t turn up. I think that is just rude.

This sounds so petty but I also feel she is steeling my friends and kind of ?buying? their friendship. She invited one of my friends round on boxing day but when they turned up she had gone out.
On the face of it she is lovely, very friendly, always offering to do things for you, inviting people (children and parents) for food drinks etc..

I guess the question is ? do I say anything, do I remain friends, how do I manage not to let it effect our dd?s friendship, am I completely overreacting?

i think you need to tell her how this behaviour has left you feeling.... not in a generalised rant, but specifically with reference to dd's party. her behaviour about that is downright rude and you deserve an explanation.....

do you think she has some big issue in her life that you know nothing about? illness / probs with her dh?? the going away for a week sounds a bit odd if unplanned.

from all you've said she doesn't sound much of a friend tbh. do you need all this crap??

How strange..... Perhaps there are things going on that you don't know about? money worries, mental health problems, illness, could be anything. Has she always been like this or is it getting worse?
Re the party,...very disappointing for your dd and annoying for you. I would be peed off.
Maybe take a small step back, take what she says with a pinch of salt and encourage new friendships for you dd.

Not over-reacting ... and I'd be very annoyed at the birthday incident. I guess I'd just start distancing myself. Your DDs can be friends without you having to be involved with the parents.

I don't think you are over-reacting. I have encountered something a bit like this. In the end it's a question of how does the balance look between what you get from the relationship and what it costs you.

The things you describe would definitley bother me and I think I would definitley say something about the party. Perhaps she is genuinely totally incapable of organisation - but I suspectsome people are like this because they don't really care enough about upsetting other people and then expect to charm their way out of trouble (hence appearling so lovely).

She sounds very odd and I don't think you're overreacting!
If I were you I'd say something about the party because you deserve an apology and an explanation, but whatever the answer, I'd gently back away from the friendship.

Her poor DD missed her best friend's party because her mum was so careless, I feel sorry for her too.

I would distance myself from her for a while and only say yes to things that you are sure won't put you in a spot if they are cancelled. I don't think you are overreacting at all.

My DH has a 3 strikes and your're out rule with friends. Gives them 3 chances of messing him around then ignores them until they make a suitable effort. I don't personally do this but it works for him. One thing he is good at though is being very blunt with people whereas I am usually polite and leave things unsaid. It does work in his favour though, and means things don't linger and there's no lasting resentment, people know where they stand with him.
If someone cancels something at the last minute and it puts us in a spot he'll just tell them they're an arse and they've put us in a spot. People don't seem to mind as he's quite a jocular chap.

controlfreaky is right... you should say something to her about the party.
Something like, dd was really upset your dd wasn't at the party. Is there some sort of explanation so I can explain to dd... and see what she says. If it's some flaky excuse, start distancing yourself, but she might have something going on you hasn't told you about.

I don't thik you are over-reacting but I think it would be hard for her to steal your friends unless they wanted to be stolen, if you see what I mean.

I don't think you should get hung up on your friends making friends with her as long as they are still your freinds too.

Maybe stop being available when she asks for you to look after her kids. I don't mean cutting out all help you give her, but stopping doing it when it really isn't convenient or when it feels like you are being taken for granted.

I have wondered myself if she as other problems that she's never mentioned. Her dh drinks a lot (I did wonder if that was why he never brought dd2 to the party). TBH I wouldn't leave my dds in his care.

The other mums kind of say 'Oh you know X, you know what she's like, would be late for her own funeral' etc. etc.

I guess I just think it is rude and disrespectful and I treat people how I expect to be treated. It is like she is in a world of her own that she doesn't have any idea how her actions effect other people. Do I need to tell her?

You know how it is at school and with friends - there are so many overlaps with other friends (especially the ones that were originally mine), I can't avoid her.

Could she be depressed?

I also think perhaps I have too high expectations of people? I am a loyal friend and I expect the same - maybe I need to realise that not everybody is like that.

Depressed? I am not sure, no obviouse signs to me. In fact always very jolly and never complains. You know when you have a moan about dh's or work or schools etc. She never does. Perhaps she is putting on a front and hiding something.

Cancelling and changing plans at short notice may be a symptom. I have suffered from depression in the past and made plans which I was not well enough to go through with. I sometimes (not always) cancelled and had to make an excuse to (non close)friends as they didn't know I was depressed. I hated doing it though, and mainly went ahead even if I didn;t feel like it, for the other person's sake.

Mrs - did you put on a jolly front to those around you? did you not take your dcs to parties (she wasn't expected to stay)?
Just trying to understand if she is as i'd rather be supportive than cross.

Yes cardy. There was a lot of denial/ trying to appear 'normal' but at the same time, inwardely dreading these events.

My friend is like this and it used to really upset me. I've realised now though that it's just how she is with everyone and she is up and down emotionally too. She'll cancel things last minute or assume things aren't happening if you don't confirm things lots of times. It's as if arrangements are made loosely and if something else comes up she could well end up doing that. She is also horrendously late. If I'd seemed a bit upset before she's say "are you cross with me?" and force me into saying no. Now I half expect her not to come or will check nearer the time and say because if not I've been asked/plan to xyz so that I'm not kept waiting. The hilarious thing is that I'm generally punctual but if I'm taking my time coming to hers or something (why hurry when she won't be ready) she's on the phone asking me where I am!
All I can say is don't take it personally, she won't change and it's not to hurt you. Don't rely on arrangements too strongly and if she seems upset when you cancel just over-gushingly say how gutted you are but you can't get out of it etc. And just be glad you are the reliable one!

yes I understand Corriefan. However to me this kind of treatment of friends shows little repsect. Maybe i am too easily hurt?

From my experience it's not a lack of respect for you, rather that she's thinking more about her own life/problems and maybe even that she doesn't feel that her or her daughter's presence is that important to you, not because of anything you've done but because of her own view of herself.
I know I too am easily hurt but don't see that as a bad thing, but I've given up getting upset about stuff with my friend (on the whole), yes it's not how friends normally treat each other but it's her way I'd bet it's how she is with everyone. But yes on the surface it does show a lack of respect but really there isn't much you can do about it, apart from not letting it get you down.

Or you could get to know her a bit better (share a bottle of wine or 3) and I bet you'll soon find out some of the issues she's dealing with! My friend has been let down a lot in the past and gets scared when it comes to getting close to someone.

Saying that, my friend did let me down recently- her dd and my ds were meant to be having a joint party and she was supposed to be making the booking but kept forgetting. I kept asking her but didn't want to take over and then 2 weeks before my ds's birthday she said oh dd wants her own party! so I was slightly annoyed and said it's a bit late to tell me that! and she sent a nasty text back saying how I could have booked the hall, she works (so do I but not as much). But this really made me angry as I'd have organised the whole thing weeks before no problems, and rang and shouted at her about her crapness and she ended up apologising. I did expect her to cut off our friendship as she has before, and said this, but she didn't.
My ds got his party somewhere else as the original place was booked up and her dd got her party 7 weeks after her birthday!

It's possible she could be depressed or something, but it is the nature of some people to change routines, and not want to be committed to anything, just go with the flow and let things happen. I am not sure if they mean to be like this, but it's very frustrating to those of us who organise our time. It would be a good idea to tell her how you feel, and see how she responds. Maybe you could just say you'll meet up with her when it wouldn't cause too much inconvenience if the event didn't happen?

I am curious about why she invites your friends out without asking you! In your shoes I would feel left out, but maybe she is trying to increase her circle of friends and thinks that trying to get to know your friends is easier without you around. Just let her get on with it, but you may find it a problem if she is trying to distance your friends from you?

I once read on a problem page somewhere that you can demote friends to acquaintances, maybe it's a good idea for you to do this if the friendship is making you really unhappy.

thanks so much this is really good and useful advice.

I had a text from friend it read 'sorry I am a really crap friend, hope dd2 enjoyed her party, have present at home, will see you next week'.

I haven't replied. Not sure what to say? I can't say nevermind don't worry about it as that would be belie what I feel.

Corrie fan - I think what you say
"she's thinking more about her own life/problems and maybe even that she doesn't feel that her or her daughter's presence is that important to you, not because of anything you've done but because of her own view of herself." Is really reassuring and I think in her case to some extent true.

Interesting about the party - she forgot to book her own dds parties last year!

We have been out and chatted over wine and number of times and she doesn't give a lot about her feelings away. Talks alot about her friends what shes been up to etc.. but not how she feels. Fundementally she is very different to me - I very much wears my heart on my sleeve. Perhaps this is all a lesson in being friends with somebody who is very different than yourself.

I think you should take a step back, don't reply to the text and see if she makes more effort to keep the friendship.

It sounds like you are doing all the work for her, a bit of distance might provide more balance.