Don't know how to deal with this 'friendship' please advise

[cardy]

This is a bit long please bear with me.

I have been quite good friends with a mum at school for a few years (our daughters are best friends). We have done quite a lot with our dds together and have had a few nights out etc? However over the past year I have become increasingly frustrated with her and feel taken for granted. I have helped her out quite a lot looking after her dds, often at the last minute because she ?is running late? or ?something has cropped up?. She offers to do the same but it?s always last minute when I?ve usually got something else planned. She is very disorganised. She doesn?t work but is always late to school for drop off and pick up.

Anyway here are some examples of things that have really started to get to me.
Invited me and dh round for drinks then cancelled last minute giving no reason (when we?ve arranged babysitter etc); We invited her and her dh for dinner with other friends (arranged in Jan for end Feb). She told me the day before she couldn?t come because it was her dad?s birthday. She also does a couple of other ?weird? things ? I introduce her to my friends and their dds and she arranges invites/nights out but doesn?t include me; she suggests sleepovers to my dds when I?ve already said we?ve got other things planned but they end up getting upset when I say no. This all quite difficult to articulate, I really feel I am being manipulated but don?t know how to deal with it.

The last straw came yesterday when her dd2 (my dds best friend) didn?t turn up for my dd?s birthday party. The invite had been sent and rsvp to weeks ago, she mentioned it to me last week. it was a teddy bear making party and they couldn?t start until all the children were there> After half an hour I phoned, her dh answered and said she had gone away for a week (with dd3) and hadn?t mentioned the party to him. He said he would bring dd2 straight away, we hung on and 15 minutes later he called and said they had other plans and wouldn?t be coming?weird. My dd was upset, the party was running 40 minutes late and I paid £13 for a child that didn?t turn up. I think that is just rude.

This sounds so petty but I also feel she is steeling my friends and kind of ?buying? their friendship. She invited one of my friends round on boxing day but when they turned up she had gone out.
On the face of it she is lovely, very friendly, always offering to do things for you, inviting people (children and parents) for food drinks etc..

I guess the question is ? do I say anything, do I remain friends, how do I manage not to let it effect our dd?s friendship, am I completely overreacting?

yes marsha, I think you are right. She is away this week so i won't see her at school.

I hope she does realise what a good friend you have been.

And thinks all the favours you have done, how frustrating it is to be cancelled on at the last minute etc

She probably doesnt mean anything by her behaviour but as its hurtful to you and you cant change her personally I would take a step back from the friendship and try to make friends with people who treat you with more respect.

Sometimes birthday parties are arranged so far in advance they go get forgotten but if that was the case she should have apologised - even if it was just via a note in your DCs school bag.

Id say there is some underlying problem, whether it is her or her husband, but unless she is willing to share this with you its not worth the energy you are putting into this relationship is it.

I understand about forgetting parties - however the last thing I said as we picked up from school in Friday was, see you on Sunday!?!

Why did her dh say they'd be there in a minute then phone back and say they had other plans...weird!

Anyway I'v got to stop getting so hung up on this!

Hi cardy, really interesting what you said earlier on, about it being a lesson in being friends with someone very different from yourself. Some people would have fallen out with her by now, you are being very tolerant. From her text maybe she realises this and appreciates what a good friend you are to her, but agree with everyone else that you should stand back and let her do the running.

I wonder if she might have an issue like drink? Drugs? I have known two women who did odd things like this and later admitted to drinking problems.

The problem is your DC is being affected by this - im afraid if my son had a friend whose parent did this I would encourage him to broaden his friendships, id hate him to think this is an acceptable way for friends to treat him. A terrible shame for her children obviously.

dd does have lots of other friends but X is her 'best' friend - they have known each other since they were 2. She kind of knows that X is always late/might not come - I try to manage her expectations.

I'm not sure about the drink/drugs issue when we go out she has one glass and says she'd better not have more...early morning etc.. Although I am sure her dh has a drink problem. Maybe she has to compensate for him?

Thanks everyone for your advice on this. It has given me the chance to re-evlauate a bit and be rational and feel a bit less hurt.

I see that it is her personality and I should not take it personally.

I've got a friend who's a bit like this: re cancelling at the last minute/always running late.

After much angsting and feeling stood up, I now always make plans with her assuming they're not going to happen and always have a back-up in case they don't.

I did actually consider backing off from the friendship, but I get a lot out of her - she's very funny and good company, so I thought why cut off my nose to spite my face? I've just adjusted my expectations.

If her DH has a drink problem , that could be having a knock-on to the rest of their lives. And some people are VERY disorganised, and that this is not intentional, but something they cannot help (dyspraxia, dyslexia, ADHD...)

Having said that, you sound very tolerant . I would let her drop back to being an aquaintance.