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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Really need your help here, very confused and not sure if its me in the wrong?

37 replies

amiselfish · 16/03/2009 10:48

I need to know, honestly what you think about this as i feel i am going mad.....

My dh and i have had money problems lately, he was out of work for a while whilst i carried on with my part time work but i did lose a few jobs. So things are tough.

Anyway, we haven't paid an over due council tax bill of £300 and also owe utility bill of £950 (two bills now). My dh is now back at work, although not as well paid as before. I work part time, to allow me to take dd to school and back, no bus service here, and also run her to after school classes etc.,

I earn roughly £150 per week for my work which fits in really well with family life etc., I am currently looking for an extra job, night work, so that i don't give up the day work salary but i am earning extra, that we desparatley need in the evenings.

DH is refusing to pay the outstanding bills, says it is over to me and that i need to get a full time job. He also said our older kids need to give us more money. My dd doesn't pay as at uni and doesn't get much of a loan, on a nhs course. My ds pays £80 per month as he is not earning much at the moment.

I just don't know where to turn, he thinks my salary isn't enough, thats why i am applying for nightwork. I know i don't earn much but it fits in. I don't understand how he can pass these bills on to me? I pay a number of household bills, i am also responsible for all present buying...kids/parents/pil/extended family, he doesn't contribute to that. I top up the food bill by about £50 per week aswell.

AIBU to be worried and confused at the way he is being?

OP posts:

Alambil · 16/03/2009 10:50

yeah.... he's being ridiculous

it's both your house - both your responsibility. He can't just wash his hands of it

I think you need to discuss it

TotalChaos · 16/03/2009 10:51

yanbu. I am gobsmacked at his attitude towards the outstanding bills.

MitchyInge · 16/03/2009 10:51

it doesn't sound very fair to me but I have no real experience of 2 parent family life, I'd probably want to pool the resources and have a single fund to pay for all household expenses then maybe divide up what is left over?

hopefully someone helpful will be along soon!

compo · 16/03/2009 10:51

why don't you just have one accoutn that all the wages go into and all the bills go out of?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 16/03/2009 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BennyAndJoon · 16/03/2009 10:53

He is liable for the bills just as much as you are. Legally.

And he is being an arse

Original poster

amiselfish · 16/03/2009 10:55

I know you are honest on here and I am prepared to hear advice.

I actually feel like i am going mad, i really do, so confused. I can't find that sort of money from nowhere.... I would feel better if it was a joint worry but he seems to have disconnected from it.

I do realise i need to do more work, i am trying for nightwork, currently going through the internet job sites etc.,

Thing is, we just can't talk about it, i txt him this morning about it as otherwise he just shouts me down, now he's switched his phone off.

OP posts:

TotalChaos · 16/03/2009 10:55

Agree with Reality about council tax. A relative was only a little bit late paying one time - and got a mags court summons through the post

trixymalixy · 16/03/2009 11:00

Point him to this thread, he is being an a*se.

I can see his point about you getting more work if you are in financial difficulties, but these are joint bills, and if he can pay them now then he should.

I think you have to have a serious talk about how you split the household bills.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 16/03/2009 11:00

He sounds charming. Look, family life is a joint enterprise. I don't get that my money/your money thing. How much is he earning? What does he do with it? You sound like you are doing plenty already. If you do get a fulltime job, how will things arrange themselves about your DD' school run etc. Would it be reasonable to ask your son to pay more or is he giving you a fair proportion of what he earns.
You need to sit down and list all your joint outgoings including things like presents and frivolities and see how much is actually going out every month - and how much is coming in. Do you have a joint account or seperate accounts? I would suggest he needs to get his head round the fact that family outgoings out to come out of a joint account to which you each contribute most of your earnings with a set amount left over for each of you for personal spending - if you can afford it.
His approach at the moment sounds unrealistic and his tactics sound like bullying tbh.

Original poster

amiselfish · 16/03/2009 11:00

I have a o% credit card i am thinking of putting the outstanding council tax onto, thats my credit card not his. The 0% runs out in october and i am hoping then that i can swop to another o%.

We should have had joint accounts from the start. Its abit confusing but, when we first got together, a long time ago, i already had two children from a previous marriage. I didn't have a bank account so we just slipped into his wages going into his account and whatever money i had going on daily living. I do now have bank accounts etc.,

I just can't talk to him. I know he was really depressed as the last 5/6 months have been awful workwise for him, but it is picking up now.

OP posts:

HSMM · 16/03/2009 11:05

Say ... OK, I'll get a full time job and you can look after the kids! That should shut him up.

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 16/03/2009 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

etchasketch · 16/03/2009 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

amiselfish · 16/03/2009 11:10

Thank you. Yes, you are right, i thought his behaviour sucked but think i am going mad and not knowing what to think right now...hence this post!

I was feeling really frustrated about an hour ago and thought i would call him asking him to arrange someone to pick up dd and take her to her after school class, bit childish, cos i am not going anywhere later, anyway he has switched his phone of So i can't even vent any anger over the phone

I feel like crying right now, just frustrated, you know that feeling when you want to throw something or break something???? but i will just get on and do something round here, then off to work later.

Was thinking someone might come on in agreement with dh, don't know why, its as if i want to feel that he is in the right....i am confused.

OP posts:

Galava · 16/03/2009 11:13

Sounds like a very childish attitude tbh.

CatchaStar · 16/03/2009 11:14

You are a family and all bills should be split equally depending on who earns what if you don't have a joint account.

He's being an arse. Perhaps you could try and talk to him tonight when the children are sleeping?

wishingchair · 16/03/2009 11:20

In the meantime, you should call the council tax people and the utility companies to tell them you are having immediate difficulties paying the bills and that you want to talk through coming to some solution. There'll be others in the same boat.

FWIW I also think he is being very unreasonable. These are joint bills incurred by both of you. Just because he was out of work doesn't mean they're your responsibility to pay! I also don't get the his/hers money situation but understand it works for some people. However it doesn't seem to be working for you.

Acinonyx · 16/03/2009 11:22

And if you got a full-time job - who would pay for the childcare? Would that be joint - or all you? Let me guess...

I would be tempted to get a full-time job and move out - leaving him to pay for all the childcare.

Original poster

amiselfish · 16/03/2009 11:24

I never really wanted the his/her money thing, it just happened. I have always thought he was abit possessive over 'his' money, but thought i was just being greedy!!
Saying that, when he had more money, he was quite generous, although i always had to ask for stuff

When we got together i sold the house i had had when i first got married, we had about £12000 and it went straight in his account....That just went on family life for the next ten years or so. We got him a work van and we moved about 5 times in a year so alot of money went on practical stuff, oh and bills my ex left me......starting to sound familiar???

OP posts:

NotPlayingAnyMore · 16/03/2009 11:27

I don't dispute that he should be paying all of or contributing towards these bills, but whose name are the bills in?

He seems to be trying to punish you for your salary not being enough according to him which is unfair for at least 5 reasons:

it sounds as if you do most of the domestic work which is of course unpaid
he seems to have a lot to say about the way it should be according to him (you having another job, the DCs paying their way etc.) but without actively assisting this he's leaving that job to you as well
a lot of people can't get a job at all in this recession, let alone one which suits their family life
he can't say your salary isn't enough while expecting it to cover the bills
his salary isn't as much as it was either!!!

which then begs the question:

What's he going to spend the money he would've otherwise spent on these bills then?
Are you sure his salary isn't as much as it used to be? Could he just be spending the difference on something you don't know about?

Please forgive me if I've jumped to conclusions from your OP. I do tend towards the worst case scenario in these kinds of threads so I apologise if I'm off the mark, but I think it's reasonable to deem this kind of behaviour as suspicious.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 16/03/2009 11:29

Oh and I forgot - (in case it wasn't clear ) - yaNbu!

TrillianAstra · 16/03/2009 11:30

He is being unreasonable, not you.

Household expenses (including the things you listed as being paid by you) are both of your responsibility. Has he not been living in the house, using the gas and electricity?

You need to all sit down and have a discussion about family finances. If there isn't enough money to pay the bills (when you count 'his' money) then maybe your (presumbly adult) children will have make moer of a contribution.

blissa · 16/03/2009 11:31

I echo what wishingchair just said, ring the council and the other company and you can probably come up with a payment agreement. I got hit with a court summons after missing a council tax payment and when I rung them they were very helpful (have also done this with a gas company who were also just as helpful). I think that as long as you keep in touch and let them know the situation and that you are willing to pay then they can be very understanding and patient, and it helps take the pressure of you.

As for your dh, his attitude is awful, these are joint bills, not just yours and he needs to grow up

franch · 16/03/2009 11:35

YANBU

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