Really need your help here, very confused and not sure if its me in the wrong?

[amiselfish]

I need to know, honestly what you think about this as i feel i am going mad.....

My dh and i have had money problems lately, he was out of work for a while whilst i carried on with my part time work but i did lose a few jobs. So things are tough.

Anyway, we haven't paid an over due council tax bill of £300 and also owe utility bill of £950 (two bills now). My dh is now back at work, although not as well paid as before. I work part time, to allow me to take dd to school and back, no bus service here, and also run her to after school classes etc.,

I earn roughly £150 per week for my work which fits in really well with family life etc., I am currently looking for an extra job, night work, so that i don't give up the day work salary but i am earning extra, that we desparatley need in the evenings.

DH is refusing to pay the outstanding bills, says it is over to me and that i need to get a full time job. He also said our older kids need to give us more money. My dd doesn't pay as at uni and doesn't get much of a loan, on a nhs course. My ds pays £80 per month as he is not earning much at the moment.

I just don't know where to turn, he thinks my salary isn't enough, thats why i am applying for nightwork. I know i don't earn much but it fits in. I don't understand how he can pass these bills on to me? I pay a number of household bills, i am also responsible for all present buying...kids/parents/pil/extended family, he doesn't contribute to that. I top up the food bill by about £50 per week aswell.

AIBU to be worried and confused at the way he is being?

notplayinganymore, thanks for spelling stuff out for me, you are right in so many ways-

housework, has always been an arguing point, he does NOTHING and never has, i am not a pushover but whenever i moan i always get told i am nagging and he shouts which upsets youngest dd.

bill are, stupidly, in my name...how did that happen???

You are so right, saying that he says my salary isn't enough but still expects me to pay, or get a job right NOW as if by magic, doesn't he read the papers

You might be right about his wages, how would i know, really.....

He just got a bit of money, inherited, don't know exactly how much, cos i don't think i believe him. He bought a second hand van for work, meanwhile mine is on its last legs and its mot is due shortly and he has already said he won't help with that either.

Well, i suppose i got my answer IANBU!!

Thanks very all your posts, although i still have my problems at least i feel happier that i am in a no win situation with dh.

YANBU at all.

You need to set up a joint account into which you both put a percentage of your earnings each month. A percentage is fairer than an amount, especially if one of you earns more than the other. This account should fund everything you need to buy as a couple/family (mortgage, rent, bills, cars, holidays, presents etc).

I don't understand why he thinks thes particular family expenses are nothing to do with him? Maybe you can ask him this?

Also he needs to understand how much unpaid work you are doing - as other posters have pointed out, would he prefer you to work full-time while he did all the childcare and housework?

And as for his inheritance - what are his plans for that? How completely selfish of him to keep it all for himself!

YANBU.

Your DH's attitude is astoundingly selfish and immature.

does he have any redeeming features?
He sounds horrible.
Sorry if this is not helpful but I am scratching my head here wondering how you could have got into the mindset that YOU might be unreasonable!

you are NOT being in the least unreasonable

What's the legal position of these bills?Even if they are in your name - is it not joint responsibility?

All the bills are in my dh's name - I spose so it's not Mr x and Mrs y blah blah. Its just whoever happened to phone up and organise the service at the time ie BT or Sky etc.
Agree- phone and let these guys know you need a payment plan and at the same time ask them if you can put it in joint names for the future.

He goes on so much that i started to wonder if i was just seeing things from my point of view and needed clarification that IWNBU!!

Well, i thought he had redeeming features, but after all this, you know, i am not so sure. I tried to talk to him tonight when he came in, he stuck to the same old thing, me needing to earn more money etc., etc., I told him i was going to have a word with his parents and let them know exactly what he is being like, not sure if that will help but i just got angry.

I didn't really want to discuss it tonight as he shouts and it upset my youngest dd, thats the last thing i wanted as she is going through a really difficult stage at the moment. I just need to get him to see things from my point of view. It actually makes me hate him and feel disgust for him, because it is just so unreasonable.

Actually i feel i want to get as many jobs as i can get so that i can manage all the bills...........but maybe thats what he wants

YANBU. The bills are his responsibility as well as yours. DH and I have a joint account. Both our wages go into it and all our bills are paid from it.

Tried to talk to him again before bed, he just isn't budging. He can only see this 'his' way.

TBO i feel like i am going mad, i feel so frustrated.

There is only one thing to do. I will put the bills on my credit card then at least they are off my back for a while. Meanwhile i will carry on looking for extra jobs so that i can pay off the credit card as quick as possible.

At least when i have paid them i will be able to sleep again.

Thanks for listening.

How old are your DCs? It sounds pretty unreasonable to expect them to bail him out tbh - it's normally the other way around is it not?

God, get shot of him!

While he was out of work were you supporting him? If so, I would present him with an invoice for food, board, cleaning, transportation, sexual services etc. Let's just round it out to an even £1300 shall we? Then use that money to pay the bills.