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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to take other people's kids on holiday when I'm 8 months pregnant...

28 replies

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 10:16

For the last two years, since I've been with DP, we've taken his 2 nephews and niece on their summer holiday. The children (one from his sister who is an orphan and the other two are his brother's and live with their mum). The kids really look forward to it and we always take them somewhere nice to the beach.
We talked about this year's holiday last year and a destination was mentioned that got them all excited (they'd never been abroad before we started doing this).
Then in December I got pregnant and I'm due in August. We'll be living in a foreign city then (i.e. away from friends and family).
Yesterday visiting the kids my DP started talking about the holiday in August! I gave him my WTF look at which point he remembered our first born will be arriving that very month. Not to be deflated, he suggested perhaps the kids could come to stay with us (plenty of room) in said foreign city (not known for its beauty) instead and we could go on lots of nice day trips, swimming at the lakes. The kids said great, but looked a bit gutted.
This is my first baby, I'm 41.
n the way home I had to explain to DP that due dates are not formal eviction notices and the baby could arrive before. Also, although my pregnancy has been very healthy with no sickness or tiredness, things can go wrong. And at over 8 months I might not feel like sitting in a car for hours, running round after the kids (11, 12 and 15), cooking etc. while huge. One of the reasons I haven't been tired is that I don't have to do stuff like that!
DP then suggested we went during half term (when is that?), when we can still go abroad and give them their beach holiday.
I woke up in the night thinking, I don't even want to do that, I want to relax, take it easy, and although I want my DP on hand, near the appointed hospital, etc. Also, we've always split the cost of the holiday between us but I won't be able to afford it this year and if did have spare cash I wouldn't mind a grown-up holiday for me and DP.
I know this is selfish, we've always been happy to take them before and had a really good time, but I just can't face it this year, what with settling into a new city, giving birth away from home, etc.
Am I unreasonable/horrible/selfish?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 16/03/2009 10:19

Its not selfish at all. You do need to take care of yourself, not be running around after these kids.

I think the compromise, of them coming to where you'll be living is a good one.

QuintessentialShadow · 16/03/2009 10:22

Can the children go to summer camp in europe?
Surely they are old enough for that?

I do see that your dp does not want to disappoint them, and at that age, you would not really need to run after them?

I frequently holiday with my two kids (age 6 and 3) and take my sisters teenage dd with me. She is never a bother, in fact she is a great help.

Do you really plan to go abroad in August so close to your due date? You have to check with your airline about travel restrictions in late pregnancy. My doctor told me no flying after the 7th month. But, that could be particular advice to ME in MY pregnancy and not standard.

Could you go earlier, as soon as school is off? Take a one week holiday with the kids, and another week for you and your partner later?

QuintessentialShadow · 16/03/2009 10:24

oh sorry you will be LIVING in a foreign city then. Then I think taking them on various day trips then might be tiresome...

SoupDragon · 16/03/2009 10:26

Most airlines won't fly you anywhere that close to your due date.

SoupDragon · 16/03/2009 10:27

Let your DH take them without you in the half terms (which is June time I think) and then have a family holiday later in the year.

SoupDragon · 16/03/2009 10:27

Actually, it'll be around one of the May bank holidays if we're talking abuot UK half term.

GrapefruitMoon · 16/03/2009 10:30

If you decide to go ahead with a holiday with them I would go in the May half-term (towards the end of May I think). I would absolutely not agree to a holiday with them or have them visit in the summer holidays. As you say, the baby may arrive early and in any case it is not fair on you to have unnecessary guests staying at that stage of your pregnancy. Even if they can entertain themselves there will be extra cooking and cleaning.

Another alternative would be for them to wait and come to visit in the October half-term, when they can then see the new baby. But if they go for that, insist that your DP takes the week off to entertain them.

Galava · 16/03/2009 10:34

YANBU.

Whay on earth are their parents thinking ??

GrapefruitMoon · 16/03/2009 10:39

Another thing is that if the kids (and their parents) have got used to you funding their holiday they will be more disappointed if this has to end the longer you let it go on...

There will more than likely come a point when all your and your dp's money is taken up with providing for your own family. Ypu may not want to continue working or only work part-time, for example. Whilst he may wish to continue to treat his nephews and niece your dp must realise that his own family must come first.

MommyHasaHeadache · 16/03/2009 10:42

YANBU but I would recommend that you do have this holiday - maybe somewhere all inclusive so there is not that much for you to do, but make it clear that this is likely to be the last holiday... especially as you will have your own little family to fund now.

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 10:51

Yes, can see your point Grapefruit and I fear I agree. When we had no kids it was fun to take them away and they loved the fact that we weren't like real parents (perhaps no sense of responsibility...). I suppose you've hit the nail on the head in that what I really want is to wriggle out of the entire ongoing annual arrangement. It's just not practical particularly financially (these are not the best of times let's face it). There are other weekends when we hire a house with friends when we could invite them to come with us, maybe this could be a compromise?

Also, we both work from home, so DP will be on hand all the time, but he's the batty professor type and at his most helpful steering well clear of the kitchen. He is very good with the kids though.

I've said I definitely won't fly in August. I've said I might fly in May-June time, but frankly even that doesn't thrill me - I'll still be flying with work then and don't really want to spend even more time at an unnatural altitude...

Thanks so much for all your comments, I must say, you're all being very nice this morning. Noone has even had a pop at poor DP who always gets it in the neck on here

OP posts:

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 11:01

Mommy I like that. I thought about a late-booking skiing holiday at Christmas, where you get all your food cooked for you.

OP posts:

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 11:02

Of course I'm not planning to take the newborn skiing, afore ye start...

OP posts:

HSMM · 16/03/2009 11:02

Agree with someone else who said it ... let DP take them in half term. They'll have a great time and you can put your feet up.

AllThreeWays · 16/03/2009 11:15

I am afraid I must go against the flow a little. While I understand that you are not going to be able to do what you normally do, I think you should definately do something with the kids. This was already planned and they are just kids, they will see their new cousin as the cause of their disappointment.

They are old enough to understand a compromise, but not old enough to understand why you are dumping them altogether.

I would recommend making sure DP does alot of the work with caring for and entertaining then though.
Did you say one of them was an orphan?

ChopsTheDuck · 16/03/2009 11:24

It does seem a little bit selfish to me that you were prepared to take them when you didn't have your own children and now there is a baby on the way you want to drop them.

I thinks taying with you in August probably is impractical when you could have a new baby to look after. I do think though you need to sort out something for them. Summer half term is usually end of May, by which time you would be 5/6 months?

I think if the cost is getting too much, can't you ask the parents/guiardians to contribute, on the basis you are having a baby of your own this year? OR find soemthing else to do that is a lot cheaper. Either way, going in May would be cheaper than goign in August.

Stayingsunnygirl · 16/03/2009 11:26

If they were to come and stay with you in August, peachyfox, perhaps it could be on the basis that there will be some trips out but that the flip side of the bargain is that they will have to pull their weight around the house, do their share of housework and spoil you!!

I can't see any reason for them to feel disappointed by this - they'd be getting a trip abroad, which ought to be exciting enough, and they are all old enough to understand how you'll be feeling then, and the need for them to do their share around the house. And as AllThreeWays says, your DP could do a lot of the entertaining and leave you to get some rest.

wishingchair · 16/03/2009 11:26

I would go for lovely all inclusive holiday in may half term. No stress for you, pool/beach for kids etc. Might be pricey though but reckon you could get a good deal.

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 11:31

Hi ATW, I definitely don't want to let them down, we will do something. The nephew who is an orphan (what a Victorian sounding word) sees DP as his father-figure (brought up by DP's mum and obviously DP was around a lot) and idolises hims. He really needs a fatherly influence right now too. So difficult, I want to make everyone happy but I don't want to do it at the expense of my own baby.. We won't be pregnant again (going to adopt more) and I'm so thrilled to be pregnant - I just kind of want to savour every moment.

OP posts:

Uriel · 16/03/2009 11:32

I don't think it's unreasonable to think that things change when you have your own baby. Not selfish of you at all, pretty selfish of your nephews' and neice's parents.

I'm more surprised that they haven't prepared their kids for the idea that things will be different with a heavily pregnant aunt to consider, let alone a newborn.

saggyhairyarse · 16/03/2009 13:04

I don't think you are selfish. I think you should have the grown up holiday because it will be your last for quite some time. The kids are old enough, explain it to them, everything will work out

beanieb · 16/03/2009 13:50

Can't he look after them?

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 17:38

Thanks everyone. I think we're going to have to sit down and talk to the kids to find an alternative for this year. And Saggy I hadn't thought about that, you're right!

OP posts:

OhBling · 16/03/2009 17:59

I think you would be unfair to drop the kids completely, but agree that a compromise is surely possible?

But they're children, even if they are teens, and they won't understand if suddenly the people who were close to them disappear.

Original poster

peachyfox · 16/03/2009 20:38

OhB, you're right of course, kids feel terrible about stuff like that. What I'm thinking now is a beach holiday in late May - early June somewhere very easy where they can amuse themselves.

OP posts:

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