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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why does my mum do this? doesn't it seem odd to anyone else?

64 replies

HopelessRomantic · 15/03/2009 19:11

So a few months ago my mum went to a farmer's market. She asked me if I wanted anything bringing back and mentioned that they do nice cornish pasties. I politely explained that we don't like cornish pasties but would perhaps try their black pudding.

So she goes and comes back with Cornish pasties. I thanked her anyway and we did eat them ... we were not keen however and when she asked us what we thought, I replied "they were really well made, but we just don't like cornish pasties in general ... but thanks anyway".

So the next weekend she asks again if we want anything from the farmers market. I give a straight "No thanks". She comes back with some cornish pasties I thanked her but didn't say we enjoyed them...instead I said "I'll have to try and get through them all as the kids won't touch them". I said it in a nice way. My mum seemed to understand that we didn't like them.

So the weekend after, she asked if we wanted anything from the market. I said "No, definately not. But thanks anyway". She mentioned they do a nice lamp and mint pie and looked quite offended so I caved and said I'd try the lamp pie. She said "do you want me to bring you some cornish pasties back?" so I said "no, we just don't like them".

So she goes, comes back and says very apologetically "they didn't have any lamb pies". I say "oh its ok, thanks for looking anyway" so she cheers up and says "but I did get you some cornish pasties!"

WHY? WHY? WHY? would you do this??

She does it with everything. She started buying me some soap bars from a similar market. I have very sensitive skin and cannot use them. I told her this but thanked her anyway for the thought. So she now buys me 3-4 bars of it everytime she goes!

OP posts:

sarah76 · 15/03/2009 19:51

Sorry, crossposted while you answered some of the questions.

I'd be worried about her health frankly, especially if others are noticing a change. My grandmother is still insisting there's nothing wrong with her and is very angry (she had to go into a home because she couldn't take care of herself, not that she realises that).

What a frustrating situation, I really feel for you. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do if she is functioning well otherwise.

Yurtgirl · 15/03/2009 20:01

I can understand why you find this annoying and rather worrying

Do you think she does it deliberately to be annoying or is she genuinely making these mistakes and not realising?

Could you perhaps tactfully ask her how she is finding life atm. Questions such as "Do you feel more easily confused/forgetful etc than you used to"

Find out what she thinks

insertwittynicknameHERE · 15/03/2009 20:02

Your mum sounds like my nana, she has ALWAYS been like this, she gets herself so confused and in a muddle about normal everyday stuff. Including basic things like making breakfast for herself, I kid you not.

I think some people can be like this, but if you are at all worried then I would suggest talking to the GP about it. Especially as your mum isn't old.

Notintheknow · 15/03/2009 20:06

Does sound very frustrating Hopeless and also worrying. Could you say something on the lines of 'I'm a bit concerned that you don't seem quite yourself at the moment, would you consider coming along to the doctor with me?'

Or just go alone to the doctor first, talk to him/her about your mother's symptoms and ask for advice on the next step?

potatofactory · 15/03/2009 20:12

My mum has a terrible case of just NOT BLOODY LISTENING which the conversation about not telling about children in a relationship sounds like. The passports sound really odd, though. Surely one returned envelope would be enough.

I can see this would be frustrating. It does seem to be another level of scattiness though...

I'd be looking into what might be wrong, tbh.

It's just too many pasties...

Sidge · 15/03/2009 20:31

Is she menopausal?

Some women do go a bit doolally when they are menopausal.

Try getting her to take ginseng (apparently it's good for memory).

nickschick · 15/03/2009 20:38

I have a thought lightbulb moment - I get this a lot with my elderly fil - its his ears he isnt deaf but his ears just arent upto par and as a result he misses a lot of what is said - so much so dh will say well he understands you(meaning me) that is because I say * are you listening? on saturday i will take you to asda at 12 ok......then i say to him what time ??? he will say back 12 - on the fone its a nightmre tho .

allfedup · 15/03/2009 20:38

my mum was exactly like this and sadly she did go on to get memory problems
ask your own gp about it and see what he says

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 15/03/2009 20:39

When you mentioned her age I thought exactly what Sidge has just posted. My mum went very like this when she was menopausal; she was incredibly touchy too. The amusing thing is though that she said recently that she didn't have any problems with the menopause at all - just sailed straight through.

Portofino · 15/03/2009 21:08

Bo, my nan is like this too! When we visitied last year, she had bought a pallet load of fruit shoots (I kid you not). I let dd have one to show willing/be grateful. And explained in great details that they aren't really that great. At Xmas, half the pallet arrived care of my aunt - your nan has kindly sent them for dd etc. I have a whole shelf in my kitchen cupboard. And they are rationed out at one a week....

LadyBee · 15/03/2009 21:23

My guesses were menopause or hearing too - she seems to be getting messages about the things, something to do with pasties, something to do with soap, and your body language is probably quite smiley and kind and nice, so she's guessing and coming up with 'yes but only if it's no bother'.

Could you do some surreptious testing of her hearing? Say something softly while your back is turned? Do you have background noise on when she's talking to you?

daisydotandgertie · 15/03/2009 21:45

Is your Mum my mother in law?

brazenhussy · 15/03/2009 21:54

OMG!!! We obviously share the same Mum!!

The whole scenario is the same as mine - She buys me something, I thank her but tell her not to buy it again.... then she buys it again and proceeds to tell everyone that I had said how much I liked it!
It has really started to affect our relationship as the fact that she never listens to me means that I am reluctant to share news with her.

blossomsmine · 15/03/2009 21:55

.....you must be pulling your hair out!!!

May be it is hormones??? Did you actually say to her, after the cornish pastie incident, why did she keep bringing them????

I sat with my mum and my sister the other day having a coffee, they were asking what i wanted for my birthday. I told them that last year my MI had spent a fortune on a voucher for facials/massages for me, which i couldn't use because i am abit weird about going to places like that (thats another story!) Anyway, my mum sat and listened and then about two mins after i had finished talking she said, "I am thinking about getting you a pamper day" ....My sister and i just looked at each other in amazement! I asked my mum if she had been listening to me and she couldn't explain she just laughed!!!! I am still abit by that!!!

knockedgymnast · 15/03/2009 22:07

Aww, bless her!! She was only trying to be kind, but I can see how frustrating it must be for you.

Next time she goes and asks whether you want anything, say 'yes, I'd like cornish pasties please'.

Watch her come back with the lamb and mint pie

blossomsmine · 15/03/2009 22:10

lol knockedgymnast!

zipzap · 15/03/2009 23:09

Rather than be nice and thank her and accept whatever it is that she has bought for you, could you say that it is a really sweet thought, but that you can't accept it as you won't ever eat it/use it/etc as appropriate, so that she has to take it with her. You could try saying that she has bought it because she obviously likes it and that is why she thought that you might, but for whatever reason it is that you can't have it but that she might enjoy a bit extra herself. If she had to take it away with her it might slowly sink in.

The other thing to try is - if she has a diary or notebook she uses regularly - to have a page in there where you put things that you like and things that you don't. Maybe you could put one in your diary for making notes about her/your dh/your kids etc so that is a 'look isn't this useful' thing that I am doing, rather than a 'you need to do this' thing. Then every time she gets you something that is 'wrong' you can gently refer her back to the list.

Oh and get one of things you like/hate into your kids somehow too, especially if you know that she is likely to take them out to get you something that you know you don't want, so that they have the confidence to get what they know you want!

definitely sounds like it is worth a chat with the gp though if she is that young and it is getting noticeably worse.

good luck!

ChippingIn · 16/03/2009 00:24

HopelessRomantic - your passport post made me laugh, a lot, 'I'm not stupid'... because it's all too familiar... and if you don't laugh, you cry.

I agree with some of the others, it does sound like some kind of quite serious dementia. Hopefully it is linked to something like menopause and will get better, but agree she needs to be forced to see encouraged to go to the Dr's.

Good Luck x

Desiderata · 16/03/2009 00:38

You need to employ the same reverse psychology that works so well with children.

Tell her you absolutely adore the pasties and the soap. Urge her to buy you as much as she can possibly afford, because your life would be desolate without them.

My hunch is that the sheer weight of responsibility will ensure that she never buys you another pasty again ..

Cicatrice · 16/03/2009 09:12

My aunt does the thing with not listening to what you tell her (the not posting certificates is classic) because SHE thinks that it doesn't really matter and it will be fine and that you are making a fuss about nothing.

She would also think re the Cornish pasties that you SHOULD like them and thus would keep buying them for you. She buys me local bacon to take home with me when I visit. I have been vegetarian for 17 years and remind her of that. She says "Well, is very thinly sliced."

In her case it is not dementia, it is just her.I don't have any advice though.

ruddynorah · 16/03/2009 09:26

MIL is like this. if you say yes to something once, or say you like something once..you can not change your mind. you like them forever and will have it in vast quantities forever. DH says he had findus crispy pancakes 4 nights a week every week at home cos he said he liked them..once.

WinkyWinkola · 16/03/2009 09:32

HopelessRomantic, your post is hilarious. You keep getting Cornish pasties. It's like Fawlty Towers or something.

Whenever she visited, MIL kept bringing bread and supplies that DH had expressly asked her not to because our fridge was full and he felt we were very capable of getting our own food in as we do every week.

In the end, he got so sick of trying to find room for everything in the fridge, he just took it from her, opened the bin and put it all in.

She never ever brought stuff that we'd asked her not to again. It sounds rude but she just didn't get the message and ignored what we said over and over.

Juwesm · 16/03/2009 09:32

I'm glad someone has mentioned the D-word. Why not have a look at some of the dementia support groups on the internet and maybe get in contact with them for some general advice, before speaking to GP. They may be able to give you some advice about whether it does sound like the early-onset of dementia and what the best next step is. Hopefully it is just something more straightforwards like a hearing problem (or a just-not-listening problem!), or related to menopause!

amidaiwish · 16/03/2009 09:43

my mum is 60 and is always getting our names wrong. i am one of 4 daughters and get called a whole host of names, even the dog's (who incidentally died last year )
she also insists she has told me something when in fact she will have told one of my other sisters 4 times.

however, she has always been like this... too many kids i think.

i would be worried about your mum, it seems a step beyond "not listening" or getting a bit muddled. esp the passport thing. definitely try and see the doctor, or talk to your own GP on your own in the first instance. they must see this all the time.

Boco · 16/03/2009 09:43

could she be smoking skunk?

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