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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my dh is out of order for calling ds 7.4 an idiot to his face?

40 replies

allfedup · 15/03/2009 18:15

two days ago my ds 7.4 took dhs cracker from dhs hand and it fell on the floor.dh called him an idiot.All families are different and i'm pretty sensitive but i think this is way out of order what do you think?

OP posts:
Katisha · 15/03/2009 18:19

Personally I hate anyone being called an idiot. Apparently a teacher said it to the class the other day and DS was horrified.

Numberfour · 15/03/2009 18:24

no, that's not on at all.

but i was awful to four year old DS this morning and told him to shut up.....

i NEVER talk to him like that. i said sorry, but still feel bad especially when Dh reminded me (gently) about it later.

did you talk to DH about it? was it spur of the moment? did DH apologise?

calling someone an idiot or telling them to shut up is not acceptable at all.

belgo · 15/03/2009 18:24

Yes it is out of order, but if it is a one off, I would it pass. None of us are perfect parents all of the time.

belgo · 15/03/2009 18:26

I mean I would let it pass.

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 18:30

he didn't apologise.something like"its not my fault he took my cracker",or "what did he take my cracker for then"he said.
ds was tearful and will do anything to get in with his dad.

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 15/03/2009 18:36

Sounds grumpy and out of order but if it was two days ago hopefully everyone has moved on by now?

screamingabdab · 15/03/2009 18:43

Sounds like in this case YANBU, if DH is often impatient in this way, if he did not say it in a jokey way and does not see that he should apologise. it's hurtful because as you say, your ds is at an age where he will crave DHs approval.

Like Numberfour, I have told DCs to shut up (and on a couple of occasions, called them an idiot), but have apologised.

Very often I vent my frustration with my DCs by hiding out of sight in the kitchen and flicking them V signs AIBU?

RumourOfAHurricane · 15/03/2009 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 19:10

he's intolerant imo and blows hot and cold but i think the difficulty is in him never feeling bad or apologising;in his eyes its justified and if i say anything i am having a go at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 19:12

scummy,move on till the next time i suppose

OP posts:
ScummyMummy · 15/03/2009 19:19

I would move on for now, tbh. Don't think there's anything can be done 2 days on except rub salt in ds's wound if he took what his dad said to heart and piss dh off for tackling something too late. But if this is a regular thing, next time I'd overtly say "Oh ds, your dad really is a grumpy old sod, isn't he? I hope you know that you are a fabster and it's your dad who's being unreasonable here." I do sympathise and think what he said was out of order.

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 19:25

i tackled it at the time but was reminded of it today ,stuckup for ds at the time and haven't mentioned it again.

OP posts:
chequersmate · 15/03/2009 19:27

DH made me cry when I was about 8.5 months pregnant by calling me an idiot.

It was because I had put the colander in the dishwasher without realising it had some salad in the bottom of it.

It's a horrible thing to say, but I think my reaction was a bit, um, hormonal

Think your DH should apologise to him though.

ScummyMummy · 15/03/2009 19:28

Oh sorry- I misunderstood completely, didn't I? Thought you'd been brooding on it and wanted to bring it up after the fact as it were. Sorry.

It must be very annoying that he can't see he is in the wrong. Was ds very upset?

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 20:20

he was a bit upset.
the reason i did the thread was because i don't swear etc and wondered if maybe i'm being too critical.
but its not this one specific thing thats a big deal,more the unpredictability of when hes over tolerant of behaviour and then gets a bit mean if ds doesn't behave perfectly.
i mean the older dcs might say such things sometimes but will back down,with dh theres no question of backing down.

its just not nice to call smallish children idiots either.especially in a serious way.

OP posts:
Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 20:28

well he does really love him but when one of the kids does wrong or performs badly,he never takes their side ,he just writes them off as hopeless.
similarly if i said to him can you wash your hands in utility he would say "i'm washing them here"etc etc but thats a whole other thread[!] and i'm taking about oily or seriously muddy hands not just normal ones!

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 15/03/2009 20:34

allfedup I agree with you. Sounds like your DS did something accidental, and calling anyone an idiot in those circs. (never mind a 7 year old) is going to hurt them. Name calling sticks in a child's head.
Is DH irritable with everyone at the moment?

I remember my mum calling me a "silly bitch" when I was about 13 (very out of character for her), because I forgot something. It hurt me a lot. (makes you realise how awful it must be for kids who are persistently put down)

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 15/03/2009 20:35

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 20:46

yeah i wouldn't normally ask him to wash his hands somewhere else unless paint covered etcthat was just an example from today .we have a high mixer tap that splashes over the drainer and breadboard butas i say that is not an issue.

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screamingabdab · 15/03/2009 21:06

alfedup "when one of the kids does wrong or performs badly, he never takes their side, he just writes them off as hopeless"

Do you mean that he comes down hard on misbehaviour, but he is also intolerant of mistakes or failures? Sounds like you are a bit worried about this.

Does he think that this is the way to motivate the kids to do better? I would be concerned if he is not encouraging the DCs, and his negativity is upsetting DS

Original poster
allfedup · 15/03/2009 22:24

screaming,yes i mean he does the opposite to what i want
he doesn't say much if all going well ,doesn't get involved with normal discipline[sit at the table, or don't say"idiot",or use your knife and fork etc,but if there is a misbehaviour would just say"whats the matter with you you're eating like a baby"etc

not the only man i'm sure to do this but he doesn't listen to me

OP posts:
screamingabdab · 16/03/2009 08:30

No, not the only man to do this (or woman), but not v. good, as you say

TheGoddessBlossom · 16/03/2009 08:51

I absolutely hate "Shut Up" and "idiot" and "stupid" - I have said some things I am certainly not proud of to my kids but have never said the above, and will do my utmost never to. Sorry if this sounds holier than thou and beleive me I have shouted and been as horrible as the next person, there is just something so sharp about those particular words, they just seem really damaging, particular Shut Up, just the way it seems like a verbal slap in the face...

Original poster
allfedup · 16/03/2009 10:16

TheGoddess i agree.
dh had a lovely weekend with ds which is great but i do have a problem with this strand of his behaviour which can suddenly get a bit nasty if things don't go his way or if he's in a bad mood.

He is also too lenient over other things which undermines me and can make ds naughty at the weekend as hes receiving mixed messages and is desperate not to fall out with dad.
For example letting him watch cartoons when i've said no and then another time going mad cos he's watching cartoons

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edam · 16/03/2009 10:21

hmm, interesting that ds is desperate to please his dad and his dad is (often?) so grumpy and unfair. Could the two things be connected?

Would you be able to sit dh down for a (very careful and non-confrontational chat) about the way he talks to the kids when they make silly mistakes? How did his parents talk to him? Could you remind him that no-one is born perfect and it's our job as parents to help our children learn - and that being called names doesn't actually achieve this?

Does dh ever apologise to the kids when he goes a bit too far? I have told ds to shut up once or twice - feel v. bad about it so say 'sorry'.

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