to think my dh is out of order for calling ds 7.4 an idiot to his face?

[allfedup]

two days ago my ds 7.4 took dhs cracker from dhs hand and it fell on the floor.dh called him an idiot.All families are different and i'm pretty sensitive but i think this is way out of order what do you think?

edam,i can try i suppose although he doesn't really do apologies to date.
i do feel theres a danger of him building ds up and then knocking him down.
His dad is exactly the same,can be lovely but can be extremely damning and intolerant too.
I think i felt this weekend he was trying to get ds and he together as a team and undermining me by doing lots with him and being over lenient.So when i asked him to do his homework from school he refused which is totally out of character normally.Its as if he wants him to be naughty almost which is daft and could cause real problems later on.

thinking about this now,its his personality that if something goes wrong its instantly someones[not his] fault.if it were his fault he would somehow turn it so it was my fault and how "nobody told him"etc.
He is unpredictable so you never know what the plans are for the day.In time gone by i would make sure i was free weekends to see what we might do together but i never knew if he would say"lets go to" ...to either go or later be cancelled,or "you do what you want,i'm going to..."So now i don't include him in my plans apart from babysitting.One particular time he agreed to take ds to castle while staying at his dads.He was chatting to his dad,i was getting everyone ready and after half an hour said trip was off as it was too late.Cue tears from ds and row with me,i went alone with ds

i don't like it but have not been able to decide if this is worth splitting up the family for,ds in particular would be devastated at this age so want to wait,but at the same time don't like it when he reacts in this way to ds or laughs at me with him etc.

allfedup sorry I have been away from the thread. I am sad, but not surprised that this seems to be about a lot more than how DH is with your son.

Your DH seems to be behaving very badly. It looks like you are doing all the thinking about how to parent, and he is disrespecting you by being undermining.

I would be very surprised if the inconsistency, and the way he speaks to your son, and to you is not already affecting DS. Perhaps it would be a good idea for you to try and speak to a counsellor (I think Relate sees individuals) to think this through.

i do feel sorry about this as ds is usually a very happy and well behaved boy and the last two weekends he has had tears and its all so unnecessary as we both love him and there is no need for conflict or oneupmanship.

This happened with my older ds but a lot more,and i was left to pick up the pieces and behaviour.My older ds does not really get on with dh.

How old is the older one?

nearly 18
they don't argue[now],but dh doesn't get involved with him in any way even though he's at home

i'm trying to think of the right thing to say to ds to explain that it is not his fault that dad is unreasonable sometimes,that dad loves him but is working so much he gets grumpy even when he doesn't mean to?
that mum works at home so is generally in charge ?!maybe not

I think you probably know that your son will come to his own conclusions about his dad eventually, no matter what you say to him to try and lessen the impact of DHs behaviour.

By all means, try and explain it to DS, but do you honestly understand it yourself? If you don't think it's acceptable, you shouldn't have to justify it to your son.

Can you try and talk to DH again?

I am off out now. Hopefully some other wise MNs will come on and help out.

All the best

Is there any way you could sit down and have a chat with dh and try to make him see what his behaviour looks like to other people? Maybe he's so used to operating in his particular groove he's not really aware of how it affects anyone else.

Tricky one to do without him getting all defensive, though. He sounds like he's a bit selfish, tbh. Do you think he'd run a mile at the mention of Relate?

I can try to talk to him and explain that we have to be polite and united in front of ds or it will affect him.And we have to help him grow up,not just expect him to be perfect without explaining the rules.
Also that when the children do things wrong it should be dealt with in a firm but pleasant way.Or trying to understand what the problem is.
The reply will likely be "I'll do what i like,he's my son,don't tell me what to do.."
he wants to go away at easter;thats usually an unmitigated nightmare.Cue me getting ready and singlehandedly packing the car cue dh big tantrum,we're cancelling its too late
He won't go to relate i suppose i could go alone if things don't improve.

allfedup that sounds like a good idea.

tbh i think you can only paper over the cracks for so long, i've had enough.
please tell me, aibu?

From what you've told us, YANBU to be feeling fed up.

thanks