to turn down lunch invite because friend has a coldsore & I have a young baby?

[lowrib]

Friends have invited me for Sunday lunch at their house, but one of them has a coldsore.

I didn't realise that the herpes virus can actually kill a baby until the sad news recently about the baby who died because their mum kissed them with a coldsore.

I've said I'm not going with my 12 week old. They think I'm being hilariously PFB and over protective. They pointed out that the herpes virus isn't airborn, and they have promised not to kiss the baby.

I think it's best to err on the side of caution, when if you get it wrong the consequences could be so dire.

AIBU?

TIA

Hi nickytwotimes I don't know the stats either. I suspect the risk is pretty low, but it's the severity of the possible outcome that's worried my.

I mean it seems to me that most people follow the back-to-bed advice, and get new mattresses etc to reduce risk of cot death. It's the same kind of thing isn't it? The risk is very small, but potentially catastrophic, so best to take what precautions we can, isn't it?

Opps just saw the time. I am now at great risk of having spent the while afternoon MNing, not down the park at all! I'm off!

YABU and very PFBish

I have a cold sore at the moment

I shall ring a bell to warn people of my approach and make sure they can hear my cry of "unclean...unclean....."

SMS - I'm very sorry to hear about your experiences but unless I can't add, I believe 12 weeks is pretty much 3 months isn't it? So if it were next week, would that be okay?

If this were a common occurrence, there'd be babies dying all over the shop. It'd be a whole lot more common than SIDS. And so I must conclude the risks are very small indeed.

So yes I think YABU and PFB.

SMS - was that your first ever cold sore, like the woman whose baby died?

I think it doesn't matter. Going ANYWHERE with a 12 week old baby is tough, and if you don't want to go in case they get a cold, get routine disturbed, won't feed properly, whatever, it is fine. I think usual social rules can be suspended for a while, can't they?

As I said earlier, the op should do what she is comfortable with.

However, pmsl at AnyFucker.

Sorry but your friends are right, you are being hilariously PFB and overprotective.

What are you going to do when your PFB goes to school or shock horror nursery or even passes someone in the street.

Actually haven't you already turned down their invitation? Surely it's too late to ask her as you've obviously already made your mind up?

I don't think it's PFBish, I just think that in view of the recent story in the press it's the sort of thing an inexperienced mum might struggle to make a decision about.

I would have done. I would have thought "oh it'll be fine, nothing to worry about" "oh God, am I being too laid back and irresponsible" "would everyone else at the post-natal group be keeping their child away and will they judge me for taking her" "would no-one else worry about this and they'll judge me for not taking her" .... and so on while googling like mad .

Of course I hadn't found mumsnet then.

I remember our neighbour's son coming round with impetigo when dd was tiny and I had no idea whther to worry or not. I dettoxed the whole house when he'd gone just in case .

I think PFBness is more "no baby has ever been more beautiful" or (mine) "if you put her down for a nap in the day it's called sleepies, at night it's called night-nights. She needs to know the difference" WTF was I on? .

Give the op a bit of a break though.
I think she knows she is being pfbish and anyway, when you have a new baby you are entitled to be over protective for a while.

When the lo goes to nursery, etc, a few years will have passed and the anxiety levels will have dropped. I know mine have plummetted since ds was wee and I was petrified of everything. I let him juggle knives now.

Exactly Nicky. I know I found dd being ill much easier once she could talk and tell me how she felt or what hurt. I hated it before that.

Oh grow up.YABCU, these things are not spread by proximity..... just ask her/him not to kiss the baby. PFB indeed!!!!

Well, what a lovely, well thought out and considered post that was pisteprincess.

It was not MY first coldsore - but it was my DDs first coldsore. That is the important factor. And IF the OPs DS was exposed he would be likely to have a massive immune response, which TBH is unlikely to kill him at 3m but IMO and IME there is a very real risk of hospitalisation as a result.

FWIW coldsores are highly contagious. I believe that some people suggest that they are more contagious than chickenpox. I doubt very much that the OP would have taken her DS if we were talking about Chicken pox - and I suspect that most of MN would have stood behind her. In fact if it was chicken pox he would possibly be less likely to be infected (as chicken pox is mostly contagious before the spots appear) and if he did - at 3m probably wouldn't be as serious as a primary herpes infection.

Yes there are lots of if this happens and this happens....but everyone has to make their decision. I posted my "rules" and like I say you have to draw a line somewhere. For me that would be after 3m. Doesn't mean that anyone has to copy me.

Well it's only Sunday lunch isn't it, so no big deal to do it in a few weeks time. I think that you probably are being a bit paranoid. I think the reporting was sensationalist (killed by a kiss makes a good headline ) but your baby is very small and you are vry new to it, so why cause yourself unnecessary stress. They obviously think it is funny not offensive, so no big deal I think.

go with your instinct. apart from anything else it is v. unsightly and would probably put you off your lunch anyway.

LOL @goat

well i agree with the op, now that i realise how dangerous herpes can be, i quite understand your decision. but i must admit, when i first read the thread title, i thought PFB. maybe your friend just doesnt understand the risks.

in future, if you feel yu'll be laughed at for being overcautious,and you want to cancel, i'd be inclined to tell a white lie and say that one of you is unwell.

this reminds me of my situation with my sil. she gave birth to and brought her dd2 home when her dd1 had chicken pox. i felt she was taking a bit of a risk with her newborn, tbh.i didnt visit the new baby for a while, as i was 14 weeks pg. she thought i was being overcautious and it felt awkard but i had to do what felt right for me.

YANBU I too am terrified of coldsores around my baby. I know of 2 people who lost babies to this. I have lost 2 babies myself late in pregnancy for other reasons so won't take any risks, not worth it!

If you're that worried don't go. Make up another reason, there'll be plenty of other lunches.

how exactly does an adult with a cold sore infect a baby, if not by kissing? I mean, I get it with parents, close contact and all that, but if you are just visiting a friend and the person with the cold sore doesn't kiss the baby, is there still a real risk?

nu - two of mine got herpes virus around 18 months and they were really really ill for about 2 weeks each - bleeding mouths and constant 40 degree temp. It was truly awful. I can imagine it would be dangerous for a little baby. I'd give them a wide berth, who cares what they think.

Sorry everyone but I have read the whole thread and I'm still confused!

As a mum who HAS HAD lots of cold sores (not when pregnant though) wouldn't my baby have developed some immunity before being born?

From the article in the paper I thought it was more serious because it was the MOTHERS first infection when PREGNANT and therefore the baby had a massive reaction.

I am confused are some saying that a baby under 3 montsh shouldn't be kissed by ANYONE, little brothers and sisters, mummy, daddy???

I'm confused!