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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - to cut down the number of times we visit the INLAWS!

35 replies

wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 20:22

At the moment me and DH visit with our 8 month old DS every other day - up to 4 times a week (some of you may remember from a previous post a few weeks back)

Well as from next month I am returning back to work - 3 full days (10 hours each) plus 1 day at home. Well today me and DH were discussing how we are going to manage everything e.g. shopping, house work etc and I brought up the subject of reducing the number of times we visit his parents.

TBH - he agrees too, we cannot possibly still visit every other day - its difficult at the moment never mind when I return to work - but we know it will create fireworks when we tell them.

This is how we have decided things will work

Mon - not working - play group and shopping day
Tues - working from home and the dreaded housework day
Wed - working
Thurs - working
Fr- working
Sat - family day - just the 3 of us
Sun - visiting day inc the INLAWS

We have come to the decision that we will visit them every sunday and tell them they are free to visit us once in the week too. But we know they wont be happy about this. Once we didnt visit for 2 days over the xmas period due to visiting friends we hadnt seen in a while and they were very cross about it!

I do see where they are coming from, DH is an only child and MIL has fallen out with all her family so basically we are their only family really. But we just cant keep it up. DS is in the bath at 6.30 and asleep at 7. When I get home at 5 - I want the time for just us - not to go out visiting!

I know that their main problem will be that my mum will be childminding DS while I work and therefore she will get to see him more than they do but thats just the way it is. They cannot childmind him as MIL is not fit enough and FIL works full time anyway.

So tommorrow we are going to tell them - but we are both dreading it. DH says if they are upset about it then we will ditch the saturday family day and visit them then too - but I refuse to do that.

I am going to dig my heels in this time, for my own sanity too!

AIBU to cut the visiting down to twice a week? (Once really but them to visit us once) How often does everyone else visit the INLAWS?

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 14/03/2009 20:25

This reply has been deleted

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smellen · 14/03/2009 20:27

Depends how far they live from you, and whether or not you are close I guess. I see mine about once every 2 weeks (they are 90mns away), and we see the other set of grandparents 4 times a year (or thereabouts) because they are 6hrs away. TBH, I'd find the frequency that you describe a bit invasive, but at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you & your DH. If your in-laws don't like it, they'll just have to deal with it.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 14/03/2009 20:28

I think I would go INSANE if I had to see the ILs that often - I am still in therapy after spending two nights at theirs over Christmas.
I think the schedule you have proposed is entirely reasonable, but you will have to be prepared for some negative reaction from the ILs, you just have to stand your ground. You have your own little family now and need time to establish it.

Portofino · 14/03/2009 20:29

No I think YANBU. Twice a week sounds very reasonable to me. You do need to have family time to yourselves.

BuwchBywiog · 14/03/2009 20:30

I think its very good of you to make time to see them once a week tbh. Hope they're understanding and don't make things too difficult for you.

HumphreyCobbler · 14/03/2009 20:30

I see mine about once every two months.

Do stick to your guns and get dh on board. You need a plan for what to say and stick to it.

littleducks · 14/03/2009 20:32

do you really need to do a big announcement? could you not allow it to happen naturally? go back to work and arrange to see them on sundays, and say to them how much you miss seeing them as much but it is a PITA going back but thats just the way it is?

agree dh could take ds alone sometimes, which would give you a break as well

piscesmoon · 14/03/2009 20:35

I was going to say from the title that YABU- but then I read it and think that YANBU at all. You need to have time to yourselves. I wouldn't stick to any fixed plan, I prefer to be flexible, however I can see that in your case it might be better to fix it. Good luck.

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 14/03/2009 20:37

I think once a week is generous. I can't believe you have been managing to see them so often

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 20:38

I was wondering about that too littleducks. Making an announcement may make the situation worse rather than just letting it happen once I go back to work.

But the thought of them ringing and asking where we are on my first week of work would be worse when Im physically and emotionally drained. I dont think Id be able to bite my tongue. Id rather take the rap now than on my first week back at work TBH.

OP posts:
pigglemama · 14/03/2009 20:38

Wow! You don't just exist for their benefit! You're entitled to your own lives too!! I think you've been incredibly generous so far, too much in fact & have set yourselves up.
TBH its not your fault that your MIL has fallen out with her family, (am not surprised either) & they're not your responsibility!
I also have pushy, overbearing inlaws, (MIL anyway) and have them over for a couple of hours during the week, we occasionally see them at w/e but am v aware not to let that become a routine and set up the expectation as we like to see our friends or do whatever.
You stick to your guns!!

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 21:17

Thanks for your comments. I will defintely have to dig my heels in tomorrow. Wish me luck!

OP posts:
stephla · 14/03/2009 21:20

I had similar issues but we stuck to our guns, we found middle ground and we did get our own life back .

I think your son has a right to time alone with his parents. I think you must do this for him. And phrase everything that it is being done as being for his benefit. Difficult to argue against the welfare of a child.

Your PIL will not like the fact they have slipped down the priority list but this is is what happens when children are born - the pecking order changes.

And you are right, it is a case of be useful or suffer the consequences! Maybe you can find some other ways for them to help that will fill their days (eg taking in parcels, picking bits up at the shops etc)

For the first few weeks, let the phone go to answerphone so you can pepare your response or call them later .

Good luck and stand firm!

CarGirl · 14/03/2009 21:20

Any chance your Mum would get together with MIL once per week or per fortnight so MIL could see your ds a bit more often? They could always meet somewhere nuetral for coffee?

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 21:28

Thats a lovely idea cargirl. And my mum and MIL get on quite well too - its a shame none of them drive
That would have solved a lot of problems too.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 14/03/2009 21:33

Pay for the taxi??????? Do you all live locally is their not somewhere they can meet via the bus?

FairLadyRantALot · 14/03/2009 21:47

how about your Inlaws doing some childcare...freeing your dh up for housechores and you to work in peace...forinstance on your home working day...because with Kid you ain't gonna get anything done

CarGirl · 14/03/2009 21:48

Could MIL come to you when you're working from home and help out, perhaps for just half a day!

pooka · 14/03/2009 21:52

Agree with advice re: MIL helping while you work from home.

Would also recommend online grocery shopping - crazy to spend some of Monday when you're off with your dd at the supermarket.

deckchair · 14/03/2009 21:58

Was just about to suggest same as cargirl.

You mil could "mind" your lo whilst you are in the house - you would be at hand in case of emergencies etc.

Suggest she comes over the week after you go back - tell her you didnt manage to get as much done as you need to and could she help you out by popping by for 3 or 4 hours.
You or dh could drop her home later.
good luck

CarGirl · 14/03/2009 22:00

Def a yes about the on-line shopping, get MIL to mind whilst you do housework!

Boys2mam · 14/03/2009 22:01

I agree with littleducks, a big announcement may make it seem like a big deal (which it is for you but if you play it down it may be less so for the IL's) - try see how that plays out?

Good luck x

chefswife · 14/03/2009 22:01

that's a great schedule. they could visit on one of your working nights, order in pizza and play games.

Original poster
wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 22:24

MIL is not too good health wise, and although she loves ds very much and would love to mind him she isnt well enough e.g. she isnt strong enough to lift him etc so suggestions of her watching DS is out of the question Im afraid.

OP posts:
Original poster
wibblewobbly · 14/03/2009 22:32

Thats the type of thing I was thinking about chefwife

Ordering a pizza, so need to worry about cooking and inlaws could play with DS while me and DH get a bit of time together.

OP posts:
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