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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to help towards mil funeral costs?

44 replies

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:10

Hi, MIL died recently and fil has announced he has no money to pay for funeral. There are three other children and they want to split the costs. We do not have enough money to pay for it. We would have to lend, but I do not think we should have to.

I am so angry with DH parents anyway cos when dh was lying in ITU almost dying two years ago, no-one came to visit him. I do not think I will ever get over that. There was basically me and my parents left to deal with it. It eats away at me all the time.

I have never told DH about this and always made excuses for them not visiting to protect his feelins whilst he was ill

OP posts:
HecatesTwopenceworth · 14/03/2009 16:12

what is your husband's feeling? Does he want to contribute to the funeral of his mother?

purepurple · 14/03/2009 16:13

YANBU
BUT as it is his mother your DH should have the final say

Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:15

he feels he should cos everyone else is, but i doubt we will get a loan. I think that his parents should have made arrangements b4 it came to this.

OP posts:
Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:17

His dad is also saying he does not know how he will cope financially on a day to day basis with losing benefits from MIL death

OP posts:
BONKERZ · 14/03/2009 16:17

when my mum died it was down to 6 of us to share the cost of the funeral and headstone. i have and older sister, 3 older brothers and a younger sister. NONE of us could afford it BUT she was our mum. UNFORTUNATELY the full cost was left to me and my younger sister as my older siblings did nothing to contribute. My sisters family were earning less than 14k and i was 26 weeks pregnant on maternity leave, my older siblings were all working and whilst did not earn a good wage they were all in a better position than me and my younger sister.
What has happened since mum died 3 years ago is me and younger sister have cut off all contact with older siblings because of the argument about contributing to mums funeral.

Are you prepared to put your DH through this? What if your DH resents you for this? Are you prepared for the fall out if you fail to contribute?

Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:19

but if we have not got money, we have not got money

OP posts:
purepurple · 14/03/2009 16:20

I would pay it
if it was you lying dead in the morgue would you want people bitching over who was going to pay for your funeral?

LoveBeingAMummy · 14/03/2009 16:20

This is a difficult time already for your DH and to make him argue with you about paying for his mums funnal means YABU...how would you feel if it was the other way round?

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/03/2009 16:20

I have a feeling that there is some sort of grant to help pay for a basic funeral if the estate of the deceased can't cover costs. Can you look into that, and maybe see about sharing the cost of an "extra" or two - I don't think a headstone is included, for example.

Eve34 · 14/03/2009 16:21

Has your father in loaw looked into having the cost covered by funeral benefit? Ok so it won't be lavish but will cover the basics.

LackaDAISYcal · 14/03/2009 16:22

perhaps they should have had insurancies in place, but it's a bit too late for that now isn't it? If you can't afford to do it though, I'm not sure you should get into debt for it. Can his siblings afford it? Would they be able to share the cost, or lend your DH the money until he could repay it?

Sounds like a very tricky situation, and if your DH thinks he should contribute (after all she is still his mum) then there's not much you can do about it but support him in his choice.

Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:22

People would not be arguing over who buries me cos I have insurance to cover it.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/03/2009 16:22

Have a look here - help with funeral costs.

misdee · 14/03/2009 16:22

if in-laws were on benefits, they may be able to get a grant from the DWP to help withj fu8neral costs

insertwittynicknameHERE · 14/03/2009 16:22

If you have not got the money then you cannot contribute in that way. Would you be able to do some sarnies and snacks for the wake? (assuming there is going to be a wake)

Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:24

We would have to go into arrears with mortgage to pay for it. I honestly think two of his siblings won't cough up for it anyway cos they cannot afford it either.

OP posts:
Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:24

I think they were on pension credits

OP posts:
insertwittynicknameHERE · 14/03/2009 16:25

DO NOT go into mortgage arrears for it. I agree with other posters your FIL should be able to get some help if he is on benefits. Hold the wake at your house or at PIL's house and do a basic sarnie, snack type affair.

Lulumama · 14/03/2009 16:25

i thikn the decision should rest with DH and if he wants to , and can get the money or contribure in some way, tehn he should

the issues you ahve with them re not visiting DH need to be discussed ,or it is going to keep poisoning things with your FIl, who no doubt will need more support now he is a widower.

that is a seperate issue that really should be dealt with

ABetaDad · 14/03/2009 16:26

tink123 - go to your local credit union and you will get much better terms than a bank if you want to borrow a small sum.

Lulumama · 14/03/2009 16:27

x post

definitely do not go into mortgage arrears for it

agree that contributing via making a small wake would be better

and looking into help via DWP

Original poster
tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:29

Will suggest dwp. I know i have to sort my head out re: resentment towards fil and mil but it is difficult

OP posts:
treedelivery · 14/03/2009 16:29

Suppose in an ideal world you would be able to all get together, discuss openly, and everyone contribute to a level that reflects their means. I don't know if that is possible.

Lulumama · 14/03/2009 16:31

birth, marriages and deaths seem to have the power to blow families apart or bring them together , don;t they?

LackaDAISYcal · 14/03/2009 16:31

getting behind with your mortgage to pay for it isn't advisable, but you already know that.
see what help your fil is entitled to and perhaps scale things down so that you have the wake at home rather than in a hotel.
funeral directors often have payment options as well and realise that at a difficult time, finances are a sensitive subject.
you all probalby need to sit down as a family and work this out between you.

and as the ever wise lulumama says, you need to sort out the other issues, or at the very least, put them aside until after the funeral for your DH's sake if nothing else, especially if he doesn't know about what happened before.

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