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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to help towards mil funeral costs?

44 replies

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:10

Hi, MIL died recently and fil has announced he has no money to pay for funeral. There are three other children and they want to split the costs. We do not have enough money to pay for it. We would have to lend, but I do not think we should have to.

I am so angry with DH parents anyway cos when dh was lying in ITU almost dying two years ago, no-one came to visit him. I do not think I will ever get over that. There was basically me and my parents left to deal with it. It eats away at me all the time.

I have never told DH about this and always made excuses for them not visiting to protect his feelins whilst he was ill

OP posts:

Original poster

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:32

but DH has no knowledge of this, as I made up very plausible excuses why they did not visit him. Is it fair to tell him the truth

OP posts:

Original poster

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:33

Lulumama, let's not go into our wedding

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/03/2009 16:34

"By tink123
but DH has no knowledge of this, as I made up very plausible excuses why they did not visit him. Is it fair to tell him the truth "

Not at the moment, no. I think your DH has enough to think about just now without you dragging up resentments from years ago.

Original poster

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:35

We actually had to change the time of our wedding or invite FIL drinking friends as it clashed with his weekly trip to the pub. Also they wanted us to provide transport to and from venue.

OP posts:

Original poster

tink123 · 14/03/2009 16:36

maybe i should just accept what has happened in past and put it behind me.

OP posts:

onlyjoking9329 · 14/03/2009 16:37

there is a payment that you can claim when someone dies it is 2K it is not dependant on savings or income, when you degister the death you should been given the info on how to claim, it is called bereavement benefit or berevement payment, you fill the forms out and it is sorted quickly, funeral places will know about this benefit and are usually happy to wait for there money until it is sorted out.

Lulumama · 14/03/2009 16:38

i think you might also need to accept on some level, they will never be teh kind of parents/ILS you would like and that you need

eeeek at the wedding issues!

surely your DH , even if he does not know his parents did not visit when he was poorly, will know , via there other difficult behaviours, that they are not always easy or pleasant

however, FIl has lost his wife, and DH his mum, and some issues should be put aside for now, out of repsect.

undomesticgodess · 14/03/2009 16:39

I have'nt read all the posts. YABU to be so bitter to someone who is dead.

If your FIL can get state help then he should unless other family members can or want to contribute.

I would let your DH have the final say on this.

insertwittynicknameHERE · 14/03/2009 16:40

Tink, it would be best to try and put it behind you and not let it eat you up. I know it is easier said then done and it took me years to be able to do it for my own sanity. Also how very sad that they wouldn't/couldn't visit their son while he was in hospital.

You have had some good suggestions on here; check with the DWP for what FIL is entitled to, then sort out between you all to deal with the remainder.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 14/03/2009 16:42

"By tink123
maybe i should just accept what has happened in past and put it behind me."

Well, there's no point letting it corrode you from inside. Have a good rant here, let it all out, then get on with supporting your DH, whose mother has just died.

Even if his parents are both evil/thoughtless/whatever, they're his parents and he loves them regardless, wants their approval anyway. Remember he, his siblings and their dad are all grieving atm, and not acting rationally, and try to be the one who rises above it. Do look into the funeral grants that are available to your FIL, do offer to check out funeral homes and so on, and then you can talk about money once you know how much you're playing with.

BrokenFlipFlop · 14/03/2009 16:44

I must admit I don't think now is the right time to tell your DH the full facts surrounding why his family did not visit him in ITU.

Whilst appreciating why you may see it as the logical option, it probably wont help him now as he tries to come to terms with losing his mother. I imagine his emotions are all over the place anyway and I doubt you'll get the reaction from him that you 'want'.

I would agree with others and explore other options for payment before doing anything.

Dunno, just my opinion.

oldraver · 14/03/2009 19:37

Everyone is entitled to death grant which will cover cost of funeral so it shouldnt cost him anything

2rebecca · 14/03/2009 20:08

If I was paying I would expect some say in the type of funeral. Headstones are unnecessary, we don't bother with them in our family. If someone is insisting on them they should pay. I generally feel this should be FIL's job to sort out a loan etc. If he won't then the 3 sibs and him should get together and ensure the funeral is kept as cheap and as affordable as possible. When it comes to funerals you don't have to spend alot of money to get a nice service, and can invite people back to the house for drinks and buffet rather than hire an expensive hotel.
It sounds as though FIL is a bit tight, or not very good with money. MILs benefits were supposed to pay for people to help her with her illness, not pay for his living expenses.

Kimi · 14/03/2009 20:17

YABU she is hi mother she gave him life, give her some dignity in death.

If they were on benefits your FIL can get the tax payer to pay, some sort of grant.

Kimi · 14/03/2009 20:19

sorry did not mean that to sound so blunt, there is help for people on benefits, have you looked in to this?

OrmIrian · 14/03/2009 20:26

"maybe i should just accept what has happened in past and put it behind me. "

Yes, you should. If your DH diesn;t mind, why should you.

Re the costs, I don't know the answer TBH but don't let your feelings cloud things and make a painful time even more painful for DH.

Mumcentreplus · 14/03/2009 20:49

Your FIL can apply for funeral costs via the DWP (Funeral Payment) they will definately help...he may also be intitled to Berevement Payment of upto £2000..

Just recently my DH father passed...we had to contribute and it was money we were saving for our family holiday this year...but I would never deny him...or be upset about his contribution..we couldn't even give what they asked but we gave what we could...I would expect him to do the same for me...he was his father and thats that..

Chellesgirl · 14/03/2009 21:10

Think about it this way...

I know for certain if my MIL passed, (heaven forbid, as I love her to death) she wouldnt care about the money issues.
She would be up there in heaven, wanting us all to stick together as a family and she would not care about what her funeral was like, as long as everyone she loved,and loved her, was there.

If your MIL Tink loves her children she would see that you all can not afford it. She wouldnt be cursing you to get out a loan and give her a good send off and put yourselves into debt. Shed probably want you to all come together, support each other and love on another and never forget her.

Can you not for e.g. cut costs by having amily carry the coffin?, make your own food, have the wake at home, and just spend the money yo do have on a decent head stone with words of love on it.

The grant will be successful for your FIL if he can prove he can not afford it. To take the weight off his shoulders (as your MIL) would want, why dont you act on his behalf as the appointee and that way you do something that helps the whole family and shows DH your commited?

Chellesgirl · 14/03/2009 21:15

As for the unforgettable memories tink leave it aside forever. There is no need to pick at this and decide to tell your DH now as it isnt a good time, hell prob dislike and lose trust in you for not telling him earlier and why curse his mother now? She aint here to defend herself.

Let it go, go see a councelor if yo have to, talk about it all to other MN'ers and write it down. The more you talk about it, the more bored you get hearing the same story over again. Life goes on and it can all work out, just try and be at peace with yourself over this and just remeber - you were there for your DH then, why not stick by him now???

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