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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to take ds1 to visit dh's nan in her nursing home

38 replies

Sails · 13/03/2009 22:10

Because it upsets him so much. Dh's nan has been in the dementia unit of a nursing home for about a fortnight now. Ds1 (aged 3.6) has been there twice now. The first time with dh and mil and the second time with myself, dh and ds2. Now he is normally a very lively, happy, boistorous little boy. A normal 3 year old infact. However both times he has visited he has been extremely clingy, he hid behind us and very nervy, shy and unsure. He hardly said more than two words except I want to go home and wouldn't go anywhere near dh's nan even though she tried to get him on her lap (or maybe because)! I've no issue with that btw I forgive her anything tbh because she has dementia and she loves her dggc to bits)! Ds2 on the other hand once he'd found his feet was fine. Still wouldn't go near dh's nan though!
Anyway I decided then and there that I would visit with ds2 even if dh was at work when ds1 was a preschool as I do not want to make him go somewhere that clearly made him so unhappy and uncomfortable. Dh has rotored days off during the week btw so more often than not he'll come too! However tonight mil rang and said that she visited her mum today and the only thing she spoke about was the boys and when she can see them again and her face lit up when talking about them etc etc. Mil than asked if we can visit with the boys on sunday. Dh said v little to her except repeating I'll see what dw says, I'll have a word with dw etc etc. Anyway I am sticking to not taking ds1 and suddenly dh has become awkward about it and taking mils side etc! So aibu?

OP posts:
GodzillasBumcheek · 13/03/2009 22:18

I have to tell you i know exactly how you feel.
It is my mum though who has dementia and is in a nursing home. The first time DD3 went she was very clingy and seemed very reluctant, but i persisted a bit (not staying for too long each time) and she now enjoys the visits! She is only 2 though, and although she seems to sense there is something wrong, she doesn't understand what.

She laps up the attention from all the other oldies in there too, but does gravitate back towards her Nana.

I couldn't say YABU because i am very reluctant to visit my own mother, but you should try to understand, your DH is probably quite keen that his son and his mum don't lose what could be left of their relationship before she's even dead.

sorry not much help either way.

GodzillasBumcheek · 13/03/2009 22:18

Ok maybe i don't know exactly but i can be fairly sympathetic!

NotAnOtter · 13/03/2009 22:20

can only say persist...

dc5 visited my nanny a lot at the end and he got used to it

nanny loved it so it was worth it

Original poster
Sails · 13/03/2009 22:21

Also when he visited with mil and dh mil kept staying what a tonic ds was to nan and she wishes she could bottle it and how happy nan was dh commented how unsure and quuiet ds was! Mil commented how good and well behaved he was!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 13/03/2009 22:23

DS2 although very clingy at first was fine because he only 16months but ds1 seems so unhappy!

OP posts:
dragonbutter · 13/03/2009 22:27

Can you take some cool toys along for him to play with?

midlandsmumof4 · 13/03/2009 23:30

Sails-how well does DS1 know his GGNana?

how old is DS2? He doesn't seem old enough to realis

midlandsmumof4 · 13/03/2009 23:34

Disregard the bit about about DS2-didn't realise it was there!!

ChippingIn · 13/03/2009 23:57

Sails - I think for me it would depend on how good the relationship between DS1 and DH's Nan was before she went into the nursing home. If it was good (and while she knows who he is) I would persist, explaining to him why the people are there, why specifically his Nan is there, why it is important to her that he visits, how happy it makes her etc. Try to work out what it is that he's particularly uncomfortable about and address that. Some children just take a while to come around and it's a valuable lesson to learn to treat those we love well, even when it's difficult for us. However, if the relationship wasn't good before I wouldn't take him and when it gets to the stage she doesn't know who it is, then I'd stop taking him if he's still unhappy.

Sorry you are going through this, it's awful

Dillydaydreamer · 14/03/2009 00:16

I think you should still take both. You need to get him over his fear. They aren't aliens , just people with an illness and the sooner he gets familiar with the setting, the better he will be. Its probably more the unfamiliar, than what it is in itself iyswim.

nailpolish · 14/03/2009 00:20

my tip would be not to take ds inside the home, but fora walk around the garden with dhs nan

maybe its the nursing home itself he doesnt like - al those eyes on him - the quietness of it all - i know i hated it as a child

is there any way she can visit your home? or can you take her for lunchsomewhere?

Blarbie · 14/03/2009 00:36

Take both kids, the minor clinginess is a small negative compared to the large positive of the Nan being happy. Can you prepare your older child? Tell them an exciting fact that is relevant to your child that the Nan did? Sing some songs when there? I don't know there must be something that'll take the fear away.
I know my daughter has a really old great aunt on her Dad's side that I think I should take her to, it's her history after all. I would fully expect her to be clingy and shy when there, I'd be surprised if she wasn't.

parsley3 · 14/03/2009 07:56

I can understand you don't want to upset the children but whenever I've taken mine to see elderly relatives in nursing homes (and there have been a few) I've taken a few toys and after a few visits they don't feel as shy/nervous. I'm so glad now that I saw my nan in a similar situation when I was very young - even though it all seemed strange to me at the time. Elderly people (most IME )get so much joy from seeing young children- "new life"- IYKWIM- it gives them something to chat about and feel positive about.Also even if you get no response from your DHs Nan ,talk to her and encourage the dc's to do the same,even if it's just about rubbish it helps to relax everyone and shows the DCS that she's still human underneath .Visits don't have to be that long.(sorry for rambling!)

purepurple · 14/03/2009 08:07

as an adult I would be uncomfortable in this situation too
but the benefits for all concerned far outweigh any negative effects
obviously the patient will gain great pleasure in these visits but your children will also get something from them too.
We can not protect our children from everything, however tempting it is. They learn valuable lessons when they realise that the world is not in fact based on Disney or CBeebies where everyone is happy and jolly.

shootfromthehip · 14/03/2009 08:19

I think that small children need to be put in these situations for them to be able to learn how to deal with them.

My Dad was seriously ill and in and out of hospital before he died and we always took my kids to visit him there despite them being uncomfortable. My DD (DS is too wee to remember) learned a valuable lesson about putting the feelings of others before her discomfort and about how to behave in certain situations.

You want a normally boisterous small child to calm down and learn social appropriateness and so it is good (IMHO) to keep the visits up. And your DH's Nan will get real pleasure dor it. YANBU to want to protect your child from discomfort but YABU to not take your wee one

Original poster
Sails · 14/03/2009 11:41

The thing is ds1 does not know dhs nan at all well really. She did not live near us before she was moved to the home a couple of weeks ago. She has been in hospital (where the dc could not visit) for some time and before that lived some way from us. I do not drive and her house had begun to be in a dreadful state for some time. Looking back with hindsight it was probably the dementia setting in but she would refuse all outside help Mil used to advise us against taking the dc because it was so bad she feared them becoming ill!! Especially when ds2 was tiny so he only saw her when nan visited us or more often pil but still not often iyswim. When I took him before I said come on we're going to see grandma x and he immediately said I don't want to go. I persevered and took him anyway and mil tells me that she told her the next day about dc coming. She asked if dh and sail come too and she said no just the little boys!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 14/03/2009 12:05

Infact thinking about it now he has seen his gnan about 3 times in the last year. Before these last 2 visits he saw her at his party in September before that at a family gathering in July (before that it was probably Christmas!) So he really doesn't know her very well at all. Maybe thats the problem!

OP posts:
purepurple · 14/03/2009 12:08

what would you do if it was your gran?
would you think differently then?

edam · 14/03/2009 12:13

I think it would be very kind to take him to see his Gran. Give it a go on Sunday and then make a decision about only taking ds2 after that. Good tips here about walking round the garden if possible, taking toys and trying to explain a little bit about the home.

It's rotten for elderly people when they are suddenly shifted from their home to a hospital and then hospital to a nursing home. Must be like being kidnapped. And it makes confusion/dementia far worse until they adjust.

Original poster
Sails · 14/03/2009 12:15

My nan died recently and until she was admitted into hospital late last year we used to regularly visit and ds1 used to talk about her all the time and used to want to visit when she was in hospital although he couldn't. I think alot of dhs nan dh and I have been married for over 10 years and until ds2 was born and things sadly deteriorated so much we used to visit quite alot considering the distance but unfortunately ds1 doesn't remember this. I don't know if I'd feel differently because tbh the relationship between ds1 and my nan was so very different iyswim?

OP posts:
purepurple · 14/03/2009 12:25

I understand what you say but your DCs dad will have his own thoughts and feelings about his gran and what he wants the relationship to be like between her and his children.
He will have experienced what you went through with your gran and is possibly feeling a bit scared and helpless, and is trying to find a way to cope with it all. Maybe he feels guilty about not seeing her more often and is trying to make amends by taking his children?

FairLadyRantALot · 14/03/2009 12:34

Whilst I understand how you feel, I thin it would be a shame if you wouldn't take both boys to see her.
The only way your ds1 will get used to the environment will be by being exposed to it!
Giving an old Lady a bit of happiness...what could be nicer?

Original poster
Sails · 14/03/2009 20:00

FOund out today that mil had asked dh if she could "borrow the boys" and take them herself to see her mum I completely misunderstood or it wasn't explained properly from dh (unsure which) and thought she was asking if we would visit with the boys. Definately won't agree to that don't like how it was phrased and if they (the dc)go I want to be there on hand to reassure them if and when necessary etc!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sails · 14/03/2009 20:10

I mean definately won't agree to mil taking them if they go they will come with us!

OP posts:
wannaBe · 14/03/2009 20:25

Am going to go against the general feeling on this thread and say yanbu.

This is not a family member he has previously had a close relationship with, so I therefore really don't see why he should be made to go through the experience just because "kids need to learn to deal with these things." Actually no kids do not need to learn to deal with these things just because someone else feels they should. If it was a close family member with whom he had a close relationship then it would be different, and he would doubtless want more of an involvement because he would know her so it would be easier to explain.

But people are essentially suggesting he should be forced to go and see a stranger in a nursing home (a place which can be upsetting for adults let alone a three year old) and frankly I think it's a hideous idea.