To not want to take ds1 to visit dh's nan in her nursing home

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Because it upsets him so much. Dh's nan has been in the dementia unit of a nursing home for about a fortnight now. Ds1 (aged 3.6) has been there twice now. The first time with dh and mil and the second time with myself, dh and ds2. Now he is normally a very lively, happy, boistorous little boy. A normal 3 year old infact. However both times he has visited he has been extremely clingy, he hid behind us and very nervy, shy and unsure. He hardly said more than two words except I want to go home and wouldn't go anywhere near dh's nan even though she tried to get him on her lap (or maybe because)! I've no issue with that btw I forgive her anything tbh because she has dementia and she loves her dggc to bits)! Ds2 on the other hand once he'd found his feet was fine. Still wouldn't go near dh's nan though!
Anyway I decided then and there that I would visit with ds2 even if dh was at work when ds1 was a preschool as I do not want to make him go somewhere that clearly made him so unhappy and uncomfortable. Dh has rotored days off during the week btw so more often than not he'll come too! However tonight mil rang and said that she visited her mum today and the only thing she spoke about was the boys and when she can see them again and her face lit up when talking about them etc etc. Mil than asked if we can visit with the boys on sunday. Dh said v little to her except repeating I'll see what dw says, I'll have a word with dw etc etc. Anyway I am sticking to not taking ds1 and suddenly dh has become awkward about it and taking mils side etc! So aibu?

Thannks wannabe I am not a horrible person and I do feel for my nan in law. As previously mentioned I think alot of her and have no issues with her at all. I just want to put my little boy and his feelings first is that selfish? I will continue to visit without dh if he is at work. Anyway I mentioned to my mum today what mil said and wants to do and she said "they are not toys". And yes it is an upsetting place imo!

That sounds like the same home although I have to stress the staff are lovely and fell over themselves to fuss over the dc and make us all feel welcome! Anyway our church has "singing" there about one sunday a month I thought I could take him when that is on (only been once to that myself a christmas one years ago) It might not be so stressful for him. I think its on tomorrow so if thats the case I will go to that and take it from there.

you are not selfish. And your mum is spot on "they are not toys" is exactly right.

Also when dh and I have tried to explain what ds was like during and before and after his last visit she just said well thats understandable hes just got to get used to it thats all! Why is that exactly?

no they are not toys...but nursing home/care for the elderly is all part of family and growing up...but yeah agree mum should be there...

YANBU

DS1 is not quite old enough to really "get" the concept of how much his nan will enjoy his company.

However it is a nice gesture to go & see her. How about getting a surprise ( a small toy) to look forward to when they get there "from Nan". Or encourage him to choose his favourite toy to bring to show Nan and lay it on thick about how much she wants to see it/him etc. Or make some rice krispie cakes to take for Nan. Whatever different angle you can think of to give him more of a vested interest in the visit itself.

"but nursing home/care for the elderly is all part of family and growing up" but at three? Children have a lifetime to be exposed to this sort of stuff, given it isn't even a close relationship, I certainly don't see why the child in question should just "have to get used to it".

As adults we have the choice whether to visit the relatives with whom we have no relationship, and if we find it upsetting we may choose not to visit them (esp if it is a relation with whom we have no close bond), why on earth should a child be forced to do so.

Nursing homes may not be nice places to visit - so imagine what it must be like to live in one. Worth seeing if there is any way of making a visit bearable for a child in order to bring some interest or pleasure into the life of a person you or your dh loves.

indeed Edam....and I think the younger someone gets used to something the more normal it becomes....
and how will the relationship ever become a close one if no one is willing to make the effort...
I just think it is very sad how our elderly are treated in general and often by their family....it's so sad, and they don't deserve that, imo....
A lot of elderly people love having children around them, it brightens an otherwise monotous and boring day for them...

one of the saddest things about people going into residential care is how cut-off from the world they become. Anything you can do to help someone you know or love to stay in touch with the world outside is worth doing. Imagine if it were you in the home - what would you want your grown-up children or grandchildren to do?

Quite understandable that your ds finds the nursing home upsetting. But OTOH what a shame if your dh's nan doesn't get to see him because of this.

Can you dh's nan be brought out of the home at all? In a wheelchair if necessary? To visit your home or a nearby cafe? If she can't leave the home, I think Heylittlelady's idea is great, make the visit into something more exciting for your ds.

I also agree with edam's comment, the poor inhabitants of these places need as much contact with the real world as possible.