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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to throttle someone elses 4yr old??

28 replies

Nemoandthefishes · 13/03/2009 09:31

little boy in adams class is a horror, he is on 'report' etc but no better.
anyways adam has tried being nice to him etc and yesterday he was greeted with a return to school headbutt in the stomach and kick ot the willy..this was while we were waiting to go in to school and the boys mum just oh xxx dont do that, not apologise or thats naughty or anythign like that. Was fuming but adam said he was ok and then the door opened.
Today ds[5] took some of his old match attax cards in..he has been takign new ones in but has run out of swaps with them. Anyways again waiting to go in he offered this boy one of them..they dont really swap them as such they just give them to each other. the little horror started telling ds he was thick and stupid cos they were not match attax cards, poor ds stood there looking mortified and said they are I have been buying them for a year. So the little lad took the 5 cards he had and ripped them up. I was fuming as ds looked like he wanted to cry and the lads mum just shrugged her shoulders...am absolutely fuming and felt like kicking off but I dont know what to do as his parents dont care. I just told ds not to worry as xxx was a horrible little boy and I would buy him some new ones on the way home...

OP posts:
Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 13/03/2009 09:31

oh bugger well you all know ds is called adam now..pmsl

OP posts:
memoo · 13/03/2009 09:33

YANBU and TBH I would go in and speak to school about this boys behaviour

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 13/03/2009 09:36

memoo school fully aware he is on report and head and board know what he has been like..I had another thread about teh same boy a while ago that got a bit out of hand.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 13/03/2009 09:39

I think that the only thing you can do is to tell your DS to avoid this boy.
It's is a shame because his behaviour won't ever improve without positive influences (and your DS sounds lovely) but what else can you do?

edam · 13/03/2009 09:43

I'd be more inclined to throttle the parents.

Notquitegrownup · 13/03/2009 09:46

Yup - I think that you abu. He's four. He's not being brought up to respect people or their property. His mother is not responding appropriately. He's not getting off to a good start in life.

We had similar problems with a child in ds1's class. The school, however, have been fantastic in supporting the child and his parents and he is now, aged 9, much much more in control, and actually quite nice to have around.

Try not to tell your ds that this child is horrible. He has done some horrible things, and he may well get worse not better, if he isn't getting support. Your ds doesn't have to be friends with him, but he may well have some good points, and the more that the other kids can be aware of them, the easier it will be to live up to them.

FatFree · 13/03/2009 09:46

Soo his mum just stood there while her son destroyed another boys belongings! I dont know how you managed to control yourself, i think at the very least i'd have been asking her for some dosh to replace them!!

Then again with the behaviour her son is displaying i wouldnt be surprised if she headbutted you!

I agree that you have to thank your son for trying to be this little brats boys friend, but that it would be good if he found some other friends to play with.

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 13/03/2009 09:50

Ds has a good group of friends but this little boy has been bullying one of them for months, he started to bully ds but lay off for a bit,now seems it is starting again.
I did want to throttle the parents and school are trying to deal with the boy but in the meantime it seems to eb DS and his friends who are recieving the brunt of his behaviour.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 13/03/2009 09:51

I'd be after throttling his mum rather than him, whatever was she thinking just letting him get away with behaviour like that! Although what Fatfree says might account for it.

You can't really totally blame a child of that age for his behaviour - the majority of it must come from the parenting (or lack thereof) in not controlling his unpleasant tendencies.

Your poor DS! But poor little boy as well, if he is going to go through life with all nice people thinking how horrible he is because he hasn't been taught how to behave properly.

Eddas · 13/03/2009 09:57

i agree with whoever said that it's the mother that needs talking too. I'm shocked that she is so blah about his behaviour. We all know children can be a handful and sometimes you just don't know what to do about their behaviour but I would be livid if the parent in this situation did nothing

mloo · 13/03/2009 09:58

YABU,
Throttle the parents, feel 4 the boy, ask the school to closely supervise.
Though he may have complex SN & his parents may be at their wits end about it(?)

WinkyWinkola · 13/03/2009 09:59

I know the kid sounds like a nightmare. He is a nightmare. But his mum is the real nightmare. She's useless - what a plonker.

If you're there and these episodes happen in front of you again, gently talk to the boy. Say, "Hey, we don't hit and we don't kick," and "We don't tear up other people's things. It's not nice." Nobody is stopping him and he really doesn't know that anybody is going to stop him.

If his mum kicks off, calmly explain that her son's appalling behaviour is affecting your child and that you won't stand by and watch this happen even if she's happy to.

Maybe your DS should start karate or something!??!

drlove8 · 13/03/2009 10:01

the wee horrors mum isnt responding to her child's behavior.,thats the main problem , if the wee boy has adhd she is imcompotent of the correct parenting skills to cope with him, if hes NT then hes a brat caused by his mothers indifference.why bother having a kid if she couldnt be arsed bringing him up properly( with manners and respect for others and property), probably had him for the child benefit ...

drlove8 · 13/03/2009 10:02

i feel sorry for your son, and for the other wee boy(even if he is a horror)

AnnVan · 13/03/2009 10:04

YANBU - but save the throttling for his parents. DP's 5yo cousin is a little horror. SIL always says 'he'd be a lovely boy if it wasn't for his parents' I agree, this is true. But it doesn't change the fact that he is horrible. But ultimately it's the parents' fault, they should be teaching their child about right and wrong etc.
Very sweet of your son to try and befriend him though

independiente · 13/03/2009 10:10

I second WinkyWinkola's advice. Think of it as setting an example for your son in how to deal with unpleasant situations - calmly, rationally, but definitely not timidly.

independiente · 13/03/2009 10:10

ps: your son sounds absolutely sweet.

screamingabdab · 13/03/2009 18:05

I third Winky's advice

Doodle2U · 13/03/2009 18:09

You know, all of tomorrow's murderers, wife beaters, thieves & drug dealers haven't been filtered out yet at primary schools....

tiredsville · 13/03/2009 18:40

YABU, I would want to throttle the MOTHER instead!

slowreadingprogress · 13/03/2009 19:35

I think your ds needs to see you stick up for him to this parent. Why just hold your anger in and not say something? I think it would have been great if your DS could have seen you go confidently up to this woman and say "You may not have seen but your son has just destroyed my son's cards". So what if she's crap, and doesn't deal with it; at least you have shown your ds how to be assertive and not silently put up with crap behaviour.

Also I think if this was me I would wait elsewhere each morning, too - or if you can, time it so that you arrive when the gates/door is already open so you don't have to hang around!

mumzy · 14/03/2009 07:36

We had a similar problem about a year ago at my dcs school. The mum was always complaining the bad behaviour of other children towards her older child (real or percieved) but totally ignoring the fact that her younger child was a complete horror. She only took notice of it when the school and several parents complained that this child was bullying other children. Then she only really curb his behavior when she was eventually ostracised by the parents for not dealing with the situation.
I suggest you say something to the mum about this child's behavior and also to the school. I think adam needs to know you are sticking up for him and it will also show him how to stick up for himself and not to take unacceptable behaviour from others. I must admit it was not easy saying what I had to say to the mum but I'm glad I did it othewise nothing would have changed.

andyrobo237 · 14/03/2009 07:55

Hi nemo - bloody kids!

We had similar ish problem with a girl bullying DD when she was in year 1 - the girl wasnt outwardly nasty, but was sly and made comments. I was friendly with her mum, and not quite the same situation as you, but I had a word with the mum who was mortified that her DD was being horrrible to one of her so-called friends! We had days when she didnt want to go to school, and was tearful when came home (I now realise that DD is a very sensitive child), but our situation was sorted out by the girl going off to India for a year. Not sure if she will be back next school year, but...

Your DS is a lovely boy, and I agree that, tackling the mum would not acheive anything, as I can imagine what she is like!! You would end up with a mouthful off her (been there and had that at Acon Farm playground!). I would go for the talking to the other boy approach mentioned - and try to get your DS to play with the others - perhaps gang up with the other mums so they back you up!

See you tonight for curry!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/03/2009 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tatt · 14/03/2009 09:10

YANBU - although I agree it's the parents who need throttling. Go and see the school and if possible take other parents along. If many parents complain then the child that is the source of the problem will get some help. There may even be some family therapy.

StewieGriffinsMom that ( I am aware that..)is a really lovely turn of phrase!