To not expect my in laws to make me feel like a stranger in my own home!!!

[Kiansmummy]

I have been with my fiance for nearly 5 years and have lived with him for 3 years.

His parents who are both in their 70's live 40 miles away and rarely come to 'visit' unless we are both out. What I mean by this is that they come over to do odd jobs that often dont need to be done and which I would prefer to do myself.
When they visit they unlock my front door and let themselves in even though they know that I am often in, they never knock. They wont allow me to make them drinks saying that they will do it themselves and often encourage me and my son to go out as if they want us out of the way. They often comment about the state of my house when it really isnt that bad and make a point of telling other people this

Very often she will do my fiance's ironing and not mine and his mum often moves things in my house around. I appreciate that they feel they are helping but they only seem to want to help when it benefits my partner and not me.

I have had many problems with her in the past as she had my partner late in life after being told she would never have children of her own and has always enjoyed waiting on him hand, foot and finger. She hated it when he finally moved out with me at the grand age of 30 and didnt take kindly to me being pregnant although she now has a good bond with my son.

I dont know if I am making too much of an issue out of this as they are both of a completely different generation from me and even my parents but it seems that they feel when they are in my house its theres and not mine.

This would drive me BONKERS - I'm shocked, and I thought my mother had issues with boundaries. They walk in without knocking and criticise your house?? YANBU!!

change the locks.

I wouldn't have that.

Lordy that sounds horrible. Agree with Butterfly, your DP needs to deal with it or at least make sure you have his full support when you do it. It's your home / family.

Take the spare key off them.

They should not be in your house when you are not in unless you ask them to be there.

Why do they visit if they want you out of the house?

I would be leaving a humungous vibrator on the bed for her to find while she is snooping tidying up.

He feels like he is in the middle of it and often states that they wont be around for ever due to their age. He has been brought up to think these things are ok but I am sure if it ever come to it he would put his foot down with them which he tends to do when he is there to see what goes on.

Oh! i do not think you are unreasonable. my PIL also let themselves in despite being asked not to...it really really hacks me off!!!!

they also 'share' personal information about me and the family with anyone who will listen.

its their way of staying in control of your DP reminding you both that he is son / child - first, partner / man - second.

they don't know how to cut the apron strings.

it's your house and your life and they should respect your privacy and only come over to do jobs that you ask them to. They certainly should be polite enough to knock - do you have permission from them to let yourself in to their house whenever the mood takes you?

DP and I have had many a row about this and he swears blind he has asked them not to let themselves in. I now politely decline every offer of help from them as I know that if I give an inch they will take a mile.

make a stand, say thanks so very much for the offers of help but i prefer to do it myself and surely you (PIL) have done enough ironing etc etc for DP.

as for letting themselves in, I keep the key in the door now so they can't. Harder to tackle - you need to get DP on board for this and he has to ask them not to expect in an emergency. If all else fails, change the locks and don;t give them a key.

is it their house? Seems weird that they would be the ones coming round to fix things in a house they don't own!

My in laws are in their mid 70s and couldn't be more different. They are willing to help, but don't like to tread on toes at all. They like direction!

You have my sympathy, it sounds dreadful. But as others have said, your DF needs to get some backbone. It is not normal.

Either take the keys off them or change the locks!

Just to give an example I broke my leg when my son was 3 months old and I found it difficult to carry him and care for him properly so we asked if she could come and help me out for a few days before I arranged to go to my parents who live 200 miles away- she agreed to come and stay and all we asked was that she come as early as she could in the morning after my partner has left for work which she agreed to and said she would be there before 9 which is often the time she comes when she ''visits'' anyway. She eventually turned up at 12 midday with no apology knowing I was stuck upstairs with my son. Yet when we have asked her to come a bit later on previous occassions she turns up at 8.30am this is only done when my partner isnt in the house and if he is she sticks to the plan and come the time we have agreed on.

Take the key back or change the locks

I think you really need to get your DP on side to tell them this is not on.

good luck

And no its not there house they dont contribite to it at all unless they take it upon themselves to fix something which doesnt need fixing.

My Dad had a key to an old house of mine, and used to drop in any time he was passing to use the loo.

He didn't touch anything else but I didn't like the idea of my house being used as a public convenience.

We had two front doors and he only had a key to one, as we usually only locked on. So we started locking both "for security."

Is there a way you can add a second lock "just to make it safer. You hear such awful stories theser days, don't you?" Or get a spectacularly noisy burglar alarm?

She is playing games with you. She wants you to know she is top chicken in the hen house!!! Seems to me that she is not helpinig out of any genuine concern or willingness, its just a way to stay close to her son.

When my pils have come over they just row about the jobs complain if the tools / equipment isn't ready, and generally make it seems like they are doing me a massive favour when i would rather they did not come at all and only agreed to it to stop row with DP! They then tell all their frinds how much they have had to help us.

Maybe she really thinks that if she messes you about when DP not there, and sticks to plan when he is, if you then complain, DP will take her side. It sounds uncomfortable for you to say the least.

its nothing to do with their ages. Your DP has to have a chat with them, he could say something along the lines of, look guys you have done so much for me, its time you retired and when you visit, come at the time thats good for us all and just enjoy yourselves and let us make you a cuppa etc etc.... and stick to your guns. when my mil insists on coming to make her own tea, I insist back that I don't need help, please, just sit down and play with dgd - she then moans to DP so i can hear, that I wont let her help but I ignore it!!!!

Jesus! How awful and upsetting! Totally outrageous to enter someone else's home when they're not there.

Change the locks, as others have said. Or perhaps install and alarm and not tell them the code?!

I think your DP probably 'enjoys' the fact that his mother wants to do things for him. It's only natural as she did it for so long when he lived at home. What man wouldn't like to have all this pampering?!

Please sit down with him and tell him how much it's upsetting you. He needs to realise that he's starting a new life with you, now that he's flown the nest. He has to help you to sort it out. You trying to work it out on your own will only build a bigger wall between you and his parents.

As MadamDeathstare said, play her/them at their own game - without being too petty. It's time you clawed back your territory!

Good luck.

Very very odd
First i would pretend that i didn't know that they had been one day (phone them up pretending to be worried) and make out that i thought someone had broken and entered because things had been moved. Then it gives you an opening to ask them to stop coming around when you are not present.
If this has no effect then....
Ask for the keys back or change the locks/add an additional lock ..then invite them over but only be in for a time around the time when you invite them. (so if they intend for you to be out, then they can't get in).

That should make it clear whose house it is
I agree with madamdeathstare it's kinda passive agressive....yanbu

messymissy hits the nail on the head - she is asserting her dominance over you and you need to stand up and be counted.

What if you were sitting on the loo or walking around naked??? OUTRAGEOUS!

Is your fiance capable of talking honestly to his parents? Could he tell them that, as much as you appreciate the help that they give you, you would appreciate them calling first.

Leave your key in the door when you know they are coming so they have to knock.

Have tea made.

Hide the ironing that needs done.

Basically take the control away from her.

both my parents have a key and pils have their own keys to my house, but neither would use it except in an emergency. It definately is unnaceptable to unlock and walk in without knocking, you could be doing anything. I know it would make me very uncomfortable. When we were renting a house the landlady used to let herself in, she wanted to let potential buyers look around,I had just had ds a few days ago, he was sleeping and I had literally got out of the bath. I nearly died of shock.

Triken I hope she was suitably apologetic!

Kiansmummy - YANBU - definitely controlling behaviour. Does your fiance know how much this upsets you?
I would definitely change the locks if your fiance doesn't take the keys off them. In fact I would change the locks anyway just to make sure and tell your fiance that this behaviour is not acceptable!