DH has job offer in middle east, I have cold feet

[tryingnottoobsess]

DH & I have just returned from travelling, and agreed that whichever of us got a good job first, we'd take. He has got an offer of a good job in Bahrain, and I have got serious cold feet.

Edited back story: After 4 miscarriages in 18 months, I got made redundant last Sept. It had been a super stressful time, so DH resigned and we used the redundancy money to go to New Zealand for a 3 month holiday, which was amazing.

So now we've been back since christmas, living with my parents (yup, less than ideal) temping and applying for jobs. We'll move out when one of us gets work.

This is the only sniff of a job so far. Bahrain sounds great from everyone we've talked to. BUT...

But we've just started seeing a miscarriage specialist in london, and I don't want to stop. I'm 33, so we have a bit of time, but given our problems so far, I don't want to take a break from ttc.

And I still feel quite fragile and am afraid of being too far from my support network of family & freiends.

But DH thinks it is an amazing opportunity.

Thanks for reading, I'm genuinely confused about whether IABU?

YANBU. I would be very wary about living in the Middle East under any circumstance.

Have you posted on the "Living Overseas" topic? There could very well be someone on MN who is also living in Bahrain and may be able to tell you what you could expect in terms of standard of care under their specialists.

All the best, and I hope you are able to come to the right decision for all concerned.

one thread I found on life in Bahrain

There are also links to various expat fora.

This is a tough one. We lived in the middle east for a few years. I loved it but the main concern for us became medical care, for a worsening condition of dh's and also fertility treatment. I was then 39, we now have one dd via IVF. The hospital we were seeing in Egypt were very honest with us and actually said that I would do better getting treatment back in the UK.

OTOH, the money in can be very good - and it was the money we earned overseas that paid for the fertility treatment.

How regularly do you need to see your specialist? How would you feel about coming back to the UK to see him? Can your specialist recommned any practioners in Bahrain or closer by?

How badly do you need the money? We were stony broke when we got married and just had to stay overseas for a while to get some money together. Could you put a limit on it and say 2 years max then home?

Thanks mm22bys I've just had a quick look at those links, and will look more later.

I can't find anyone who has lived there with a bad word to say about the place, which is a big plus, and makes me think I might be over-reacting. But I think my main concerns are about our specific circumstances.

And I guess only the 2 of us can work that out. But I posted here because I genuinely don't know if I'm being reasonable to maybe veto our first job opportunity in nearly 3 months, when it could be a very good thing!

Thanks Acinonyx, we're currently seeing the specialist on the NHS, and if they knew we were no longer resident (and paying UK tax!) they wouldn't treat us, which is fair enough.

We have been reccommended a specialist in Bahrain, but the woman we're seeing in London is the world expert (god bless the NHS!) and I'm loathe (sp?) to give that up.

Yeah, we've said that we'd do 2 years max, but I feel like they could be a crucial 2 years in terms of my fertility, which obviously isn't fabulous anyway...

We're not utterly deperate for cash, but we'd like to move out from my parents (ha ha!) and this is a great opportunity career wise for DH. And if we're still here looking for work in another 3 months, I worry that he'll resent me.

TNTO, we are actually kind of in a similar position to you. We are returning back to Australia at the end of month, but I am very concerned at the health system there. Our DS2 has complex medical needs, and we too are seen by one of, if not the world expert, in his condition. It took us a long time to get fully into the system here, and while we have been given some names for specialists there, we still have gaps and I just hope the people we already "know" will be able to help fill them for us.

It is such a tough decision to make (I am honestly not still convinced we are doing the right thing but we have to give it a good go)

I so know what you mean about blessing the NHS!

All the best,

What would you be doing when your dh is at work? What are the implications for you if you don´t work for 2 years and don´t have any children in that time? Then have children at a later date and choose to take time off then?

I imagine there´s a good social network in B, but have you thought about how your child(ren) will have very little contact with their extended family? And that you might have health problems or problems adapting to being a new mum when you are basically home alone with no family or (old) friends around?

Having a nomadic existence myself I can see iit is not for everyone, especially with a young family. Then again, it could be the best 2 years of your life, you won´t know till you get there.

I think that thinking through this move very carefully is prudent. Do u want it more than you want to stay where you are? What will YOU get out of it?

Wow, sounds like you have very similar concerns on your mind... it takes a lot of fighting and learning about 'the system' to get where you need, but when you do, they're great.

Like you, I'm just not sure if I can deal with that battle again.

I really hope you get what you need for your DS in Aus. All the best.

Thanks tnto, all the best to you too.

Good questions sachertorte. And some questions I hadn't thought about in terms of my career, as I'd been thinking about it as DH's career vs my desire to get pregnant (successfully).

I'd look for a job out there, but it isn't massively easy apparently.

I'm seeing DH tonight (he has been away this week), so I'll definitely bring up some of these questions.

What an emotional time for you, I feel for you. You are certainly not being unreasonable for having doubts.

As an expat I can concur there are positives and there are negatives. I am pretty sure you will find a very close network of friends very quickly who will possibly be able to give you as much emotional support, perhaps even more, than your UK friends as they may well have more time on their hands. Moving house, making friends, making a life may well take your mind off the miscarriages for a little while, though admittedly the whole moving business can not be described as stress free

As regards continuing to see your UK expert, one would assume that you would have international health insurance and that may well cover trips back to continue seeing her in a private capacity.

Alternatively, dh could go first, you could follow later when you feel you have done all you need to with the fertility expert (if it works like that, excuse my ignorance in these things). Or he goes and you stay in the UK, setting a time limit on it of say six months for you both to review it afterwards?

Good luck, it's a tough decision to be making.

A change like that will probably help your fertility, not hinder it. I don't see what you get in London you can't get in Bahrain. If the London NHS has put you on a special diet then continue to follow it. If you're on fertility drugs can't they be got abroad exactly the same prescription. Also sounds like you can get pregnant and going abroad might be the kind of change of scene which helps with having babies, the warm sunshine, rest relaxation etc.

Dandylioness & The master, part of me is telling me the things you're saying - fresh start, new people, a lot of fun, no jobs in the UK, may not get pregnant anyway....

And you're absolutely right DL about not building life moves around ttc.

But.... my gut feeling tells me that I've been though so much recently that throwing in an international move, a shedload of extra uncertainty and possible flights back to the Uk for medical treatment (which I might have to fit around a job out there, if that goes well!) might just make me a sucker for punishment.

We're investigating the health insurance angle at the moment - to see if they'll cover a pre-exisitng condition.

We discussed DH going for a while and me staying, but realised I definitely won't get pregnant that way

They want us to go out next weekend (they wanted this weekend, but we stalled!) for a visit. But I think we should be fairly sure we want it before we go. Certainly not this confused anyway!

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts, it's really helkpful to get an outside perspective.

Also if the employer really wants him could he negotiate a package which includes flights back for you to the UK to see your NHS expert privately and the new employers pay the fees? Plenty of foreign employers negotiate that IF it's staff they really want. One of the men we as tax payers are paying for at one of the banks we've taken over is getting huge sums to commute from I think Switzerland as part of his employment package.

Fair point Xenia, the docs out there are supposedly very good, and a change of scene might do us good.

this is why I am confused, I can totally see both sides of it!

Just another thought - in some ways this is actually the perfect time for you as if (and heres hoping) you had a successful pregnancy starting the minute you arrived then the 2 years works really well in terms of child being very portable and not in schooling at that stage.Whilst I can completely understand you being very focused on ttc, these sort of opportunities are much much more difficult to take once children arrive.
can feel how big a dilemma it is though. def. go for taster weekend with open mind.

I think as you're with parents and don't have jobs and won't be taking chidlren out of schools it would be best to go. I don't personalyl like the middle east. It's sexist. It's uncultured. I think Dubai is a hell hole and some areas are having some financial problems too at the moment and it's full of awful men who are trying to escape things in England and a lot of dodgy practices and corruption but for a short period it would be fun to see and I can imagine it's fairly easy to bring up chidlren there. I was on a flight in that region which landed and it was full of phillipino young very thin women and one called up her boss about arrival time as we landed an dit was all yes sir, no sir. Never heard anyone say sir so much. It would be fascinating for you to be out there. Arabs own a private hospital in London. I am sure they have really good access to good medical expertise.

Yes I had thought of the ttc bit if you weren't together BUT, there could be lots of trips, him back home, you out there to keep things moving so to speak.

I'm with Xenia too on the negotiating the package, all these things are negotiable with international assignments. If you don't ask you don't get.

Plus I would take the look see visit. For one there is no obligation to take the job even if you come for a visit, secondly it gives you both a little time away together actually imagining yourselves living there.

Fwiw, it sounds to me like you just don't want to go, full stop.

Thanks again guys, I'm off to get the train to see DH (he's freelancing away from home this week, and as I'm unemployed, I may as well go and see him and stay in a nice hotel for a night!) Really appreciate the input.

Without knowing the specifics of your TTC history, I would say a tentative YABU.

At 33, you are far from age-related infertility. If the reason for your miscarriages is diagnosed, you can continue treatment in Bahrain.

You may have noticed that there is severe global crisis going on at the moment. It is extremely hard to get a job anywhere, and having found an "amazing opportunity" you should definitely accept it.

Work there now and come back to UK when economic conditions improve in a year or so.

Just a very quick one on one of your points; DH and I were ttc with a known fertility issue whilst living in separate continents for work. It is possible but you do have to be very organised about it (i.e. I had to chart so that I knew when I would be ovulating and then we had to arrange trips around that. One really cringe worthy moment was when DH had to tell his boss that no he couldn't move his leave because his wife was ovulating...)

Do not go, vile place with ridiculous laws.

YANBU. You couldn't pay me enough money to move to the Middle East.