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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

partner not taking child to dentist is driving me crazy!

40 replies

MaeBee · 12/03/2009 09:13

my son is now 2 and 4 months and still hasnt been to the dentist. after a 'discussion', back in October, with my dp we agreed he would take him. this is because me and dp do 50/50 childcare,and i work whereas he doesn't, and dp won't go to toddler groups, and i am in charge of the doctor and sorting nurseries, childcare, all trips away, etc. so it seemed only reasonable to me that he would take him to the dentist.
when he didn't do it, i nagged him, we had some rows. i promised not to nag him until end of february, and he promised to do it by then. he didn't. last week we had another enormous barney over it. he says he will do it but i mustn't mention it.
now we have just agreed for me to take child to dr's for vaccinations he never had. and i couldn't help myself bringing up the dentist again. indeed, i said i would go on sex strike til he did. of course, predictably, dp is now all fuming again.
what do i do? do i just give in and book a visit and take child myself? even though i will have seething, lingering resentment over it? keep nagging? just not mention it ever again and feel anxious that child isn't going to get his teeth looked at?
this sounds so petty when i write it down but i guess its part of a bigger picture!

OP posts:

edam · 12/03/2009 09:16

OK, most important thing here is to take your son to the dentist, so I'd do it myself, despite the burning resentment.

And then I'd try to find out what on earth is going on with dp. What exactly IS his problem? Why isn't he taking responsibility for his son's welfare?

morningpaper · 12/03/2009 09:16

It does sound petty, I'm guessing there are more ISSUES than just this

My dentist won't see children under the age of 4 btw

toddlerama · 12/03/2009 09:17

My dentist told me she didn't want to see my kids teeth until they were 5! Not really the point, but it might help you feel less enraged!

belgo · 12/03/2009 09:18

I think 2.4 is too young for the dentist? Wait until he is three.

But I think there are other issues that are causing resentment.

BocciBalls · 12/03/2009 09:18

umm ... you work, your dp doesn't. you have to sort nurseries and childcare, so your dp isn't full time carer. you sort dr, trips away. your dp won't do toddler groups. what exactly DOES your dp do?

but you do need to put your child first, so if he needs to go to the dentist, just take him. separate that out from the row about who does what.

mm22bys · 12/03/2009 09:31

Just take him yourself, it's obviously causing a great deal of resentment etc that he's not so you be the martyr and take him yourself :-)

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/03/2009 09:35

2.4 is not too young for the dentist..the dentist I work for recommends taking them at any time, the younger the better, but definitely by the age of 2!

EdwardBear · 12/03/2009 09:36

My children have both been seen from age 1.
I'd take him myself tbh but you do really need to sort out the massive inequality in your relationship. He is utterly taking the piss.

JumpingDizzy · 12/03/2009 09:41

Mine went young too I'm sure it was before 3?

Sorry but he sounds a pain and is using this to control you? Of course I could be wrong? My exdh is lovely but would do this sort of thing (still does) to be in control. Probably because he isn't in control of his own life. Plus he likes the attention.

JumpingDizzy · 12/03/2009 09:41

Sorry to be nosey but why doesn't he work if he won't do the normal day to day child things?

theyoungvisiter · 12/03/2009 09:49

Step back and take a look at this from an outsider perspective - I don't think this issue is about the dentist at all (most dentists won't see a child under 3ish anyway unless there are particular concerns) but more about why you feel such burning resentment over this issue and why you and your partner feel the need to divide up routine tasks in this way.

Surely you just take the first appointment for the Dr/Dentist that's available and whoever is "on duty" takes the child - why does there have to be an agreement over "he does the dentist, I'm in charge of dr"?

Honestly, if you are riled to the point of witholding sex over this then I think there MUST be more to it than just a dentists visit.

As an aside, why won't your DP do toddler groups and why do you have 50/50 childcare when you work and he doesn't?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/03/2009 09:50

I don't believe "most dentists won't see a child under 3" at all, sorry!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/03/2009 09:52

(speaking as someone who has worked at a dentist for years, who attends a different one with 2 year old DD and has many friends with under 3s who have been seen by dentists as matter of routine!)

theyoungvisiter · 12/03/2009 09:53

yes, sorry I x posted with other people saying the reverse. It may be just the dentists around here but I don't know anyone whose dentists have agreed to see their children under 3, unless, as I said, there were particular concerns.

I'm sure this probably differs from dentist to dentist though.

Kimi · 12/03/2009 09:54

I think you need to take your child to the dentist, I think your DP needs to get a job.

All fed now

Dropdeadfred · 12/03/2009 09:58

I have always takem my dcs to the dentisy by 18 months..and have been encouraged to keep taking them regularly at that age..its important to ensure they look after their milk teeth

theyoungvisiter · 12/03/2009 09:58

my FIL is a dentist btw and he doesn't see children under 3 because he says they can't be relied on not to bite

(He is joking btw, I think he just feels it's not necessary before that age without good reason, and may be stressful for the child.)

Anyway happy to know that some people's dentist WILL see under 3s but what I was really trying to say was a) I think the OP should be reassured that it's won't cause a major problem to wait a few months and b) I don't think it's the real issue at stake in the OP anyway.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/03/2009 09:59

that is worrying theyoungvisiter - we have a few two year olds in our practice with tooth decay!

Maybe they are overstretched in your area

theyoungvisiter · 12/03/2009 10:02

yes they are overstretched - we are inner London - but I'm sure none of them would refuse to see a child if there were concerns.

Most of them recommend that when the parent comes for the routine checkup the dentist just takes a peer in passing, but that there's no point in making a full on checkup/clean etc appointment.

Anyway I think this is all a bit beside the point

Original poster

MaeBee · 12/03/2009 10:13

oh, thats interesting, my health visitor was horrified back in October when this whole dentist thing blew up that he hadn't been to the dentist yet, theres nothing wrong with his teeth or anything, i just was greeted with such shock when i said he hadn't been yet!! think it would be a great relief for both of us if he didn't have to go, we're both edgy about the dentist, which is part of our underlying issue.
dp won't take child to toddler groups cos he hates small talk. they go to the farm, to various museums, to the woods, they do nature based activities a lot, play in the house etc. its not that he doesn't engage properly with him. i think our major difference is that i plan everything out, i have 3 calendars and 2 diaries and i get excited about planning for trips out and anxious if i haven't. dp is much more spontaneous. when its his childcare days he wakes in the morning not knowing what they will do, whereas that would have kept me up all night!!
i only work 2.5 days a week, dp is a musician so pours a lot of time into that, but it doesn't bring in any bacon. we are both extraordinarily busy with our various projects and commitments: we live in a housing co-op, we are engaged in activism, seems like we are in meetings all the time!
but yes, it does seem petty and i dont know how we got so surburban that we row about such little details.
i'm now going to try and find out about advice on taking child to the dentist!

OP posts:

orangehead · 12/03/2009 10:14

Sorry not read all thread as shouldnt really be on here, need to do work. But I cant believe some of your dentists wont see young children. We have some patients as young as 3 with teeth that are so badly decayed that they keep getting abcesses. We end up refering to hospital to have GA to have the several teeth extracted . We also had to attend an interesting child protection seminar recently, where we were told that if a parent repeatedly refused to let us treat a child and the condition of the mouth was so bad that it would cause the child serious pain and untreated infection it might be appropriate to contact social services to pursue a case of neglect. Think it is disgusting for a dentist to refuse to see young children, we recommend they come from 6 months even if it to only sit on they parents knee on the chair and have a ride in that way they tend to be less fearful of coming in the future.

Morloth · 12/03/2009 11:54

We have some patients as young as 3 with teeth that are so badly decayed that they keep getting abcesses. We end up refering to hospital to have GA to have the several teeth extracted

How the hell does that happen?!

paranoidmother · 12/03/2009 11:59

Our Dentist suggests that you take all children in with you on your appointments. If you are concerned he will look at their teeth for you but suggests that you wait till they are 3 going on 4 so that they understand what is happening.

I'd take DC with you on your appointment and ask Dentist to make it fun for DC and look in his mouth in case of problem.

ElenorRigby · 12/03/2009 13:44

As you have 50:50 care just take him to the dentist yourself. I would me more concerned about what food the ex was feeding your DS and want his teeth brushed well. As you share care these things need to be agreed.
My DSD6 has just had 9 teeth removed. DP is fastidious about making sure she cleans her teeth properly but her mum doesnt bother.
Personally I think proper dental care in children is pretty essential.
DD will be visiting the dentist soon. Her dentist starts seeing them from 18 months.

islandofsodor · 12/03/2009 13:53

Does he have an NHS dentist himself. I havn't got a dentist as they are in short supply so therefore neither of my children have aver seen a dentist (they are 5 & 7)

When dd was 2 and a half I did have a dentist and they wouldn't see her as she was too young.

Most dentists won't see children unless the parents are registered with them and if there are no NHS ones and he can't afford a prvate one then you are stuffed.

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