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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Worried about DD near partners boys

28 replies

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:08

I have name changed for this as I probably am being unreasonable but I just don't know how to resolve things

Basically I have a DD who is almost 3 from previous relationship. A year ago I met a lovely man and I really thought things were going to work out.

After about 4 months of being together we met each others children. He has 2 boys (aged 11 and 9) who live with him full time.

I have NOTHING against the lads, they're great, lots of fun, make me laugh, helpful etc but they're so rough with everything I'm terrified everytime they're near DD.

They just run wild. They throw things at each other rather than passing, they go outside and come home caked in mud and then start playing with DD. We took them to the park at weekend and the boys asked if they could take DD into the play-area. We found a bench where we could watch and I turned for a split second and they had her up some some climbing rocks. One of the lads had jumped down, the other was on the rocks with DD holding her hand saying "ready, 1 .. 2 .. " and they were trying to get her to jump off!! the eldest stood ready to catch her at the bottom!

I just darn't leave them alone with her. I can't go to the toilet without rushing back to make sure she's ok.

I'm sure I am being unreasonable, DP doesn't think its a problem and often says I'm a bit "precious" with DD but I've never known boys be so rough with everything. Nothing seems to hurt them. Like when the youngest hurled himself down a huge hill, he was rolling for ages, bouncing off the bumps! I honestly thought he was going to be crying and black and blue by the time he stopped rolling .... The eldest went running down, I thought to try and stop him and as soon as he caught up he dived on him, knees first.

Are all boys like this? they're making me a bag of nerves.

OP posts:

Hassled · 11/03/2009 13:11

Yes, a lot of boys are like this and these two sound happy and normal.

But at 11 and 9 they are old enough that you can have a chat with them along the lines of how you get a bit twitchy as DD is so little and please can they be gentle with her. Just talk to them.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:14

I have 2 boys - 11 and 3 (so same gap as between your dd and eldest dss) and yes they are completely normal boys!

In the nicest possible way you are being a bit over-protective (which is completely normal). My 3 year old loves to roll down hills with his big brother and play rough games (they can look quite rough, but when you look closely the big one is being so careful of ds2 it's adorable).

The boys sound really lovely, but if you are worried about it then maybe you could all have a talk together about the sort of games they could play with dd.

Songbird · 11/03/2009 13:14

Mmn, tricky. I think you're being a bit precious, but I totally see where you're coming from. As for how to resolve things, just ask the boys to tone it down a bit. It's good for all children to engage in a bit of rough and tumble and I bet she loves it, but they all need to be reminded to be careful. If you let up a bit you're more likely to get more support from your partner too.

You need to understand that this is what boys are like, and your dp and his boys need to understand that she's a 3 year old girl, who can't do the things they can do.

More understanding, a bit of compromise and things will be fine .

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:14

I did try that a few weeks ago. There was incident where one had asked the other why there was no orange juice left and the youngest said "there is, here ... " and lobbed the plastic bottle at his brother's head. It missed DD by inches.

I told them to please be careful around her as she is so small. They reacted by tip-toeing around her (I mean, literally!) and treating her like she had some fatal disease they may catch they wern't deliberately being sarcastic, they're just not used to having to do anything gently. I don't want them to dislike me but sometimes when they come bounding in I catch myself rolling my eyes and telling DD to get off the floor. I'm sure they've seen me a couple of times

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:15

And at 3 years old I would expect your dd to be covered in mud at the drop of a hat too

Nabster · 11/03/2009 13:16

Clearly the boys don't get how little she is and you don't get how boisterous boys are, having only got a girl.

Just talk to them about how she is a lot smaller than them and can they remember to be gentle.

Sounds like they really love her though.

Songbird · 11/03/2009 13:17

Yes, I'd be worried if they got her to climb the rock and left her there, but it sounds like they were playing nicely.

And [deep breath], please don't take offence at this, but by being a bit precious you might be inadvertantly making her scared of things, so playing with the boys will do her the power of good. I've had to really bite the bullet and be less shy with strangers since dd was born, as I really don't want her to grow up with the same hang-ups as me.

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:18

The other day I got a phonecall from the school. DSS2 had bumped his head, had a massive lump that was not going down ... I asked shall I come and pick him up and the teacher said "well, you can if you want but he's gone off playing again now ... "

I didn't bother. When I went to pick him up he looked like he had a huge blob of blue/grey playdough stuck to his head I asked him "How is it? are you ok?" and he looked all confused and said "is what ok?"

He'd totally forgotten about it!

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:18

Try to think about some games they can play with her - sitting on the floor playing with duplo or making a jigsaw. They clearly want to make you happy, but the only way you're going to feel comfortable with them around her is if you include them in her play.

hercules1 · 11/03/2009 13:18

You should see my 5 year old dd having huge physical fights with my 13 year old ds! Noone gets hurt and they have great fun. It sounds like your dd is having a great time with 2 older brothers. ENjoy it and just keep an eye.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:20

HP - that's the sort of thing that I would have done as a child too. Schools call just to make sure you know (they do this about all head injuries).

They sound really secure and normal. Really! I think you're worrying unduly and I would be concerned you're going to make dd scared of them.

Tee2072 · 11/03/2009 13:20

I think you need to be more specific than 'be more careful around her.' They are boys. They will take what you say literally.

And don't say it just after something like the OJ toss happens, sit down with them and explain your concerns in a clear, concise, non-judgemental way.

Songbird · 11/03/2009 13:21

I've got three older brothers - my mum could tell you a story or two

Regardless of dd being around, I'd be a bit worried about the throwing thing. There's a reason for 'no balls in the house'. The same goes for drinks bottles. This might have to be a house rule or something, things are so easily broken.

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:21

She does love them the other day she decided to "beat up" the pair of them. They played along and ended up sprawled out on the floor pretend crying and shouting "oh, you're so tough, please don't hurt me anymore" and she was really pleased with herself

They then resorted to calling her "mini-gangster" lol

But in all seriousness, the kids are happy together. I just worry so much, the cuts, bruises and knocks they get would have ME crying.

OP posts:

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:22

Oops that sad face should have been a happy face!

OP posts:

knickerler · 11/03/2009 13:25

I think it is great they are including her. OK it scares you a bit to see her climbing up stuff - but at least they are trying to have fun with her. Be much worse if they excluded her or resented her. They sound like normal boys - I have a ds - and they love to playfight but know not to hurt each other. I bet your DD loves them and finds them exciting

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:27

Would you believe, I've just had another phonecall from school saying youngest has bumped his head!!

OP posts:

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:28

Sounds really lovely - if they're not bothered, you shouldn't be bothered. Getting bumps is all part of growing up

I agree about throwing things about - we have a "no balls in the house" rule, and this would apply to anything being thrown. That's a very reasonable request.

Keep an eye on them, but try to relax. It sounds like you're doing the right thing - letting them interact and play - but no more eye-rolling! A few bumps here and there are normal for a 3 year old too. Just make sure they're aware of her limits.

Have fun!

Kammy · 11/03/2009 13:29

They will be teenagers soon enough and then won't even notice her because they'll be too busy texting thier girlfriends

Try and enjoy it they sound absolutely lovely!

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 11/03/2009 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

HarryPorker · 11/03/2009 13:31

They are They're so funny, even if its in a cheeky way.

Like yesterday I found a lovely prepared salad in the fridge. Lettuce, cucumber all sliced neatly around the edges, cress in the middle ... I asked DP "did you make this??" and he said "no, it would have been one of the kids" so I asked around, turns out it was youngest DSS ... he said "why, have you eaten some?" I replied "no, why ... is it for me?" (jokingly!) and he said "errr...no its for the guinea pigs ... but you can have some if you want ... you can have the cress cos they're not keen on it"

pmsl.

They are great kids. I was worried it would come across as though I disliked them.

OP posts:

georgimama · 11/03/2009 13:36

Tbey sound lovely.

I am the younger sister of two brothers, we played rough and tumble all the time. I did break my arm once, so we'll overlook that.

They sound lovely. A three year old girl is no more vulnerable than a three year old boy. Please don't give her the impression that she is made of spun sugar - they won't break her.

MmeLindt · 11/03/2009 13:36

They sound lovely, absolutely lovely and just typical boys. I loved the story of them climbing on the rocks. I know that gave you a fright but concentrate on this:

One of the lads had jumped down, the other was on the rocks with DD holding her hand saying "ready, 1 .. 2 .. " and they were trying to get her to jump off!! the eldest stood ready to catch her at the bottom!

They sound really sweet. How many young boys of that age would actually want to play with a 3yo girl?

I don't know if there is anything you can do except try to stop them getting too out of hand and letting her find her own feet.

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 11/03/2009 13:38

No, you're just worried about your little one

3 year olds (of either sex) love a bit of rough and tumble and it's and important part of growing up IMO.

I hope this has put your mind at rest a bit. Of course you're going to want to protect her, but 3 year olds are a lot tougher than they look (hence being able to beat up two older boys )

Morloth · 11/03/2009 13:43

Leave them to it, how lucky is she to have two big older "brothers" who think she is great and want to include her. She can handle it, she won't break. The first time she gets hurt and cries I bet they are all over her and trying to make it better?

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