Worried about DD near partners boys

[HarryPorker]

I have name changed for this as I probably am being unreasonable but I just don't know how to resolve things

Basically I have a DD who is almost 3 from previous relationship. A year ago I met a lovely man and I really thought things were going to work out.

After about 4 months of being together we met each others children. He has 2 boys (aged 11 and 9) who live with him full time.

I have NOTHING against the lads, they're great, lots of fun, make me laugh, helpful etc but they're so rough with everything I'm terrified everytime they're near DD.

They just run wild. They throw things at each other rather than passing, they go outside and come home caked in mud and then start playing with DD. We took them to the park at weekend and the boys asked if they could take DD into the play-area. We found a bench where we could watch and I turned for a split second and they had her up some some climbing rocks. One of the lads had jumped down, the other was on the rocks with DD holding her hand saying "ready, 1 .. 2 .. " and they were trying to get her to jump off!! the eldest stood ready to catch her at the bottom!

I just darn't leave them alone with her. I can't go to the toilet without rushing back to make sure she's ok.

I'm sure I am being unreasonable, DP doesn't think its a problem and often says I'm a bit "precious" with DD but I've never known boys be so rough with everything. Nothing seems to hurt them. Like when the youngest hurled himself down a huge hill, he was rolling for ages, bouncing off the bumps! I honestly thought he was going to be crying and black and blue by the time he stopped rolling .... The eldest went running down, I thought to try and stop him and as soon as he caught up he dived on him, knees first.

Are all boys like this? they're making me a bag of nerves.

It's not even that they're boys -it's that they're kids! She's just experiencing being a younger sibling. They sound lovely. I have two DDs (1 and 3). They love playing together but the 3 year old is not that gentle and is rather over-enthusiastic and the one year old usually has a few minor bruises - I'd have been horrified if this had been my eldest at the same age! Younger children have different upbringings from older / only children. They usually have more bruises and bumps but other positives can make up for this.

I suppose one of the things is that because they did not know you and your dd until she was 3, the boys did not have the learning experience of your dd being a tiny baby - when she would have been really vulnerable, and when it might have been a treat to interact gently with her for a while.

Can you show them photos of her when she was tiny so they feel more connected to her vulnerability? or make a picture with prints of their hands and feet, and discuss the massive difference in size?

Your dd is very lucky to have older boys in her new family - I bet that all the rough and tumble is punctuated by gales of laughter from all of them. So much sweeter on the ears than a gaggle of whining, wailing teenies.

It might also help you to feel a little less if you got her a waterproof suit so that she could roll around in the mud with them but you could peel it of when you got to the car so that she could go in the car clean! We often do this with ds - it means that it really doesn't matter if he ends up sitting (or lying) in the mud as he's not getting wet or muddy on his clothes. I think it probably gives him a little bit more protection too.

They sound lovely boys to be actively wanting to play with your little girl. However, they are old enough to be able to understand that she might need rules - eg, no jumping down more than x height (suggest its one of dss's knee heights or similar), and only when holding a hand; no throwing (anything) in the house etc - and these rules must go for everyone in the house - ie dd mustn't throw things either, and you and dp must not jump her down more than that height etc.